Gift from Dad - now he wants it back?

[cashquestions]

I've namechanged for this - obvious reasons really - but just need to know what people think.

I'm late 40s, two teen boys. Mum died four years ago and shortly after my Dad, very generously and unexpectedly gave us a sum of money that he said was my mum passing money down to us. It was properly documented as a gift for IHT purposes etc and I've invested it and put it in pensions etc. It's mostly tied up for the long term so that my kids can go to uni debt free.

I am very grateful.

Now my dad has married again. I'm delighted. But he wants to buy a new home with new wife, and he's asked me to 'lend' him a third of the money he gave me to help him get this 'over the line'. He reckons this will be short term while she sells her property - wants my money for three months. But there's no guarantee of course that it will be.

I could SCRAPE together what he wants. It would mean losing ISA allowances, selling investment at a loss etc. of course, if he needed an op or something drastic I would do it. But this is so he can sell a nice home that was my family home and buy something pricier in a 'more upmarket' bit of a very nice village.

I'm sad he's asked. It makes me feel like the money he gave wasn't really a gift, and that he's always wanted control over how it was used.

Should I lend him it? What will happen to our relationship if I don't? Am I unreasonable to resent him asking?

How much has he asked for?

Less than £100,000 - more than £20,000

he wants to buy a new home with new wife, and he's asked me to 'lend' him a third of the money he gave me to help him get this 'over the line'. He reckons this will be short term while she sells her property - wants my money for three months

Why can't he just wait 3 months until his wife's house sells?

You say it all went to him. How very sad she didn't plan ahead because the way its going, your dad will possibly also default to the law and so your "mums half" will very likely go to the new wife, which I doubt she would have wanted. And your dad has been disappointing woth money if he has committed to a purchase he can't afford so I wouldn't expect better.

I'd simply control your own action amd let nature take its course re your relationship "sorry dad, it's all invested into pension and I can't access it."

Simple, straight to the point.

@WallaceinAnderland it's the 'perfect home' and they don't want to lose it.

This too!!!!

Just tell him it’s all tied up and you can’t access it. Your mum wanted you to have the money, he’s abusing that trust. He will just have to make do and wait till the wife sells her house.

So go to a bank and borrow the money. They have assets to borrow against and if is REALLY only 3 months the interest won’t be much.

If your DB is wealthy could he possibly lend the entire amount?

"Unfortunately, I don't have that money available". *i'd initially put 'sorry' but that could imply you'd help if there was a way. Keep it brief, then stop talking - let him fill the empty air.

Nope

Just say sorry but no. Say it's tied up in investments - which is true. Offer to lend only what you are willing to say goodbye to and can afford - say £10k. Maybe your brother can lend the whole lot or the lions share.

Id tell him you put it into your pension and so now you cant access it until retirement

This kind of situation is what bridging finance is for. He and his new wife take the risk and pay the extra costs for securing the house they want, rather than you taking the hit.

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/bridge-loans/

This is why bridging loans exist. Apologise & tell him it’s tied up, you’ve looked into releasing some & you can’t. Suggest she takes a bridging loan secured on the house that’s for sale. Also ensure he has a will in place to make sure his share goes where he wants it to.

You've wisely invested it so the answer is no. He gifted, you signed the papers, it's now yours. It's been yours for 4 years and he even phrased it as an inheiritance from your mom. This is not necessary for his welfare, he wants it back to spend on new wife. How tacky to ask for money he gifted as coming from your mom to spend on new wife.

He can wait until new wife's home sells.

You would likely never get it back. It may or may not affect your relationship.

Sorry dad I don’t see how I can help. I was very grateful when you gave us this money but the thing is that we have relied on it being ours. We are at such an expensive time of our lives, with your DGC starting and just about to start university, so we’ve planned on being able to support them. Is there anything else we could do to help?

I'd say that you aren't in a position to lend him that money - if he throws a wobbler, that tells you all you need to know about where his priorities lie. It's your money now and nothing to do with him.

He'll just have to wait until new wife sells her house then won't he. Tell him no. Job done.

Agree with everyone else.
sorry dad, it’s invested carefully and for the long term for the kids, as I knew you intended at the time!

I think I would explain that you can’t afford to because of how it’s invested and suggest your DB lends more.

No, never lend what you can’t afford to lose! Simply tell him you’ve invested the money gifted to you following your mums death to secure your pension and your DC further education and leave the conversation there.

A few years ago, we were asked a similar thing by my parents in law. They had being talking about downsizing for along time, and out of the blue, the most beautiful house which was everything and more came up.

They did have pensions and savings, but once their house was sold they would be better off blah blah blah.

Their own house needed work and the new house wanted to exchange but not complete for a certain date.

My husband and I talked about it, and decided the best thing to do was for us to mortgage our home for a very good rate for a year, buy the house they wanted, get them to move out if their house into our garage/caravan, get their house done up which would take a couple of weeks, and sell it.

Everything was on paper, there was no loose ends, especially when it took a whole six weeks to do their house up, things got back on track as it sold for full price on the first weekend and it exchanged fairly quickly.

i don’t think there was any major problems because everything was so clearly defined as who owned what, and the mortgage/interest payments were self explanatory.

If u can help, I would, or I would definitely look into how we can help.

I doubt she'd see a penny back. It's tied up, thats it. And I'd struggle to look at him in the same way.

They want to do a risky thing but leave you with all the risk!