Gift from Dad - now he wants it back?

[cashquestions]

I've namechanged for this - obvious reasons really - but just need to know what people think.

I'm late 40s, two teen boys. Mum died four years ago and shortly after my Dad, very generously and unexpectedly gave us a sum of money that he said was my mum passing money down to us. It was properly documented as a gift for IHT purposes etc and I've invested it and put it in pensions etc. It's mostly tied up for the long term so that my kids can go to uni debt free.

I am very grateful.

Now my dad has married again. I'm delighted. But he wants to buy a new home with new wife, and he's asked me to 'lend' him a third of the money he gave me to help him get this 'over the line'. He reckons this will be short term while she sells her property - wants my money for three months. But there's no guarantee of course that it will be.

I could SCRAPE together what he wants. It would mean losing ISA allowances, selling investment at a loss etc. of course, if he needed an op or something drastic I would do it. But this is so he can sell a nice home that was my family home and buy something pricier in a 'more upmarket' bit of a very nice village.

I'm sad he's asked. It makes me feel like the money he gave wasn't really a gift, and that he's always wanted control over how it was used.

Should I lend him it? What will happen to our relationship if I don't? Am I unreasonable to resent him asking?

So your dad is selling the family home, the new wife is selling her home, and they are still asking you to bail them out? Why aren't the two house sales enough money?

His new wife, after he has been widowed 4 years? Not just ‘a bird’. I’m sorry a man hurt you at some point

I agree with PPs, say it’s tied up. We lent a significant amount of money to my DM and had to get legal paperwork drawn up (not just to make sure we got it back but so it was clear the repayment wasn’t a gift from her estate for tax purposes). It’s was a big faff and expensive. I’d avoid doing it if at all possible. It may also muddy the waters later for IHT purposes as it looks less like a gift if he’s asking for some of it back.

I’m sorry you were asked OP. A generous gift has turned from being unconditional to conditional, and that must sting. Especially from your Dad. Sorry on the passing of your mum 💐.

I’d say I put it in my pension and can’t get it out till 55.

No, beacuse there’s always a chance you won’t see it again.
Someone I know did similar- lent her dad money she’d inherited when her mother died so he could buy a house with his new wife. He died suddenly and unexpectedly not long after and the new wife refused to give back anything, carried on happily living in a house paid for by the loan and the sale of the family home. No payback, no further inheritance after his death, nothing.

It seems you have invested the gift for your childrens future and cant get hold of it without penalties.
Perhaps you Dad could wait till his new GF has sold her property befor making his on ward purchase?

From what he's said about having given you too much in the first place, I wouldn't say he's likely to give you it back. And now he's married and clearly prioritising his new wife, he's unlikely to leave you anything in his will either. So this likely is the only money you'll inherit from either of your parents.

I wouldn't give it back. Its not that he needs it, he's not on the verge of losing his home or needing private surgery, it's not even that they can't buy a house without it, they just don't want to wait till her house potentially sells. There will be other "perfect" homes.

That's money from your mum, even though she didn't write a will he gave you it becuase he believed you should inherit from your mum. He's changed his mind becuase he wants a posh house with his new wife. * *

Such a patronising comment. I'd be amazed if there's anyone on here who's never been hurt by a man "at some point".

What happens if - God forbid - your dad dies during these 'just three months'? What would happen to the money then?

I would say that it's gone. Not that it's tied up - just in case he offers to pay any penalties involved in withdrawing it early, but that it's gone. You paid off the mortgage or something. After all, what would he do if you HAD? Expect you to sell your house?

He reckons this will be short term while she sells her property - wants my money for three months.

Haha nice try. She can sell her house sooner or scrape the money together herself.

He won't give it back. As the old adage says, only lend what you can afford to lose.

I'd say it's all tied up, in trusts for the children and I can't access it.

"tell him it's tied up" is the new cancel the cheque.

Maybe he could ask your brother for 2/3rds back, if your brother is sufficiently well off...

If it’s the perfect house and it will only be three months then a bridging loan should see them through? If they don’t want to do that because of the risk of it not being three months then that will be an interesting answer…

But agreed with the other posters, say the gift is tied up in your pension and not accessible until aged 55!

Just say you can't access quickly or easily because it's invested and it will be a massive PITA to have to take a huge chunk out now. I don't really understand the issue. Why can't they just wait until her house is sold to buy one together? They clearly are not hard up. I suspect she's found a house she wants and is guilt tripping him to move forward with it immediately instead of waiting for their two property sales to go through.

As others advised before just say it’s tied up and can’t be accessed.

I know people remarry once they’re widowed but if this were me I wouldn’t have your late mum‘s money feathering the plush nest of another women - I know well I sound petty 🤷‍♀️

The two lovebirds will have to figure it out themselves - be prepared to be passed over when an inheritance comes and the new wife to pocket it all.

I'd decline. There are ways and means of moving whilst waiting for a house to sell. And there is just waiting for the house to sell.
Tell him it's all invested, just as Mum would have wanted. You can't take money back out of pensions.

There are many perfect homes and another one will come along. The UK is going into recession and if you watch the property pages you will know that there is a problem is some parts of the market. There is no way you should undo your investments. Let your wealthy brother 'loan' your dad more money. By the way, what is wrong with your dad's current home or indeed what is wrong with his new partners home?

Oh I’d be a bit gutted about this, and tbh you won’t get it back. With the best will in the world, if you do this you’ll be back in a few months with a thread on how your dad gave you a gift with your mum’s inheritance, asked for it to be loaned back and is now refusing to repay you.
I would see this as your mum’s money and I wouldn’t free it up. You made very sensible plans and I don’t see why you should have to have to bear the consequences of their choices.
Saying he shouldn’t have given you so much of your mum’s estate so he could spend it on his new wife is hurtful.

Of course it is the perfect home. People get very emotional when looking fur houses and then they get pressure from estate agents.

OP say that it is tied up. This was really your mother’s share of the pot.
Can your father’s wife not borrow from her own home.

Nah, its all tied up.

Point out that this is exactly what bridging loans are for. If he tells you neither he nor she can get a bridging loan, then that suggests the bank think they're not a safe bet... why would you think they are?

if DB is very wealthy could he lend more?

I’m on team ‘tell him it’s tied up’. If the partners house will sell soon, that solves the problem.