Just found out my husband of 3 years has been cheating for the past 18 months

[Gobsmacked39]

Long story short. On holiday with hubby; this is our first day of a two week holiday. It didn’t start great as his luggage was lost at the airport, so a bit cranky because of it. Trying to help him trace his luggage whilst he was in the pool only to find hundreds of messages, videos, suggestive pics of my hubby and one of his older former colleagues. This has apparently been going on for the past 18 months, whilst we’ve been married for 3 years and going through IVF in the past year. I’m absolutely devastated. I’m struggling to process what’s going on; feeling quite emotionally detached from it all - maybe it’s the shock. Things have not been perfect with IVF and miscarriages but this started way before that …. The messages broke me with I LOVE YOU being said on a daily basis. I’m reading through them and I don’t recognize my marriage; I feel like we’ve been living 2 different realities. He says he loves me but then allegedly he’s infatuated with her… but doesn’t want to break up. I can’t even process what’s going on ….

This. Get away from him as soon as you can and have nothing more to do with him ever. To do that whilst your are going through IVF is beyond despicable. No matter what he says now he does not love you. If he did he couldn't do that to you. Don't waste another moment on him. Do not believe anything he says to you - he cannot be trusted.

Please just get away from him.

He's manipulative and deeply selfish.

Call your family and get on a flight home.

He wouldn’t have been a good person to have kids with and you’d have been tied to him forever. This is the silver lining. How old are you now if you don’t mind me asking- ignore me if not something you want to discuss.

I dont think airline ticketing works like that

He sounds insufferable.

You have been married for three years and he’s been cheating on you for 18 months with a woman ten years older than him/you. Don’t waste any more of your time with this lowlife. Divorce!

So you seriously think she wasn’t aware he was married? Both to blame! Yes he’s the one cheating on you but she could have cheated on her husband with a single man not a weak married one.

Stop taking care of him. He is playing you.

Next time he threatens suicide, call his bluff and say you will need to contact the emergency services. Believe me, he will shut up.

And please just either kick him out or leave asap.

Oh no, she knows/knew. Everyone in the office knew he was married. We got married whilst working there and getting a wedding present… this is risible now that in writing it. Don’t think she cares. They both got what they wanted out of it I guess! She did agree to talk to me today. It’s 2am here, 7 am in the uk I guess. Though now I’m questioning why I should talk to her. There’s nothing to say really

Thats normal OP. So sorry to hear this.

But the truth is even when youve 3yrs of marriage and trying for a family he said hes infatuated with her.

I wouldnt blame him for wanting to stay with you, you sound kind, thoughtful and tbh a bit like his mummy. But you deserve a man who doesnt stray whilst starting a family with you, she may not be the only one.. he could pass on anything that may impact a pregnacy. Honestly, however much it hurts or costs you to LTB is a bargain

Yeah right. He’s manipulating you.

She wants to stop you blowing up her life.

I hope you’re able to get some rest OP. x

Hardly slumming it on a combined income of almost 200k. The issue is others have far more so the grass is always greener ….Ans it’s less about the money and more about the family you grew up in; their wealth etc. guess we all have a chip on our shoulders… in my case my hubby

I remember the panic attacks when he was found out. I just wanted to laugh at him, but was worried he might need hospital, so I had to look after him.

Keep your strength and level head. And keep talking on here.

I hope you can find an earlier flight home.

I agree with what others have said, she’s contributed to your life being blown up but now she wants to speak to you to try to stop you blowing hers up.

I know you don’t blame her and I get that but her husband probably deserves to know.

You sound like a successful women who is smart, articulate, switched on and above all - far to good for a pathetic idiot like him. When the anger subsides, see this as an opportunity. He’s done you a favour - you could have ended up married to him for decades!

OP you can’t sleep while he can! Tells you a lot about the situation.

Pack a bag and leave while he is asleep. Leave him a note.

There is nothing to talk about. Absolutely nothing he can say will change the situation so don’t waste your energy on it.

You will feel numb for a while, then the emotions will come crashing down. So use this time to get yourself home and gather evidence you will need for the divorce. Tell your family and friends, do not keep his secret or feel his shame.

This happened to a now elderly aunt of mine. Her DH went from one infatuation to another in the end, because he always had to brighten his life with a bit of a thrill on the side. She never left him but she was very resentful. It’s not worth it. If he’s cheating this soon into the relationship then why bother.

Cut your losses and divorce him OP, they don’t change. This is your life. Don’t waste it wringing your hands on his disgraceful behaviour.

OP I’ve been where you are ~ I found out on our holiday on the other side of the world, was completely clueless before and it hit me like a ton of bricks. We stayed in the same room and had long talks and walks and dinners, to try and muddle through, and in hindsight this was the worse thing for my mental health.

He cried and wailed and curled up in the foetal position, and I prided myself on helping him through the devastation (that was entirely of his own making). Honestly it took me years to get over this; how easily manipulated I was and why I felt I had to have this mature response. I was texting close friends telling them only a version of what was going on to protect him, I think. Plus I was feeling so humiliated.

I’m very sad for you, but truly think the best thing for you would be to go home and stop helping him immediately. As other Mumsnet people have said, you’re not on the same side any more and you really don’t get extra points for ‘being kind’ and looking after him right now. Put your own life first and don’t fall for any more of his crap.

As much as I sympathise with OP and think her dh is an ass, this is a ridiculous idea.
Indeed some women have affairs as a means of getting away from an abusive man (often with a single man).
Daft idea. Also unworkable.

Yep she wants to make sure her husband doesn’t find out

or anyone else for that matter she has an image to present to the world

if you want to make her sweat and I totally advise this - if you do speak to her don’t react let her talk the say

“this is all very raw I haven’t decided what I want to do”

as for tucking in a grown man - oh my god - really he should be bending over backwards for your needs right now added to the fact he might be infertile but you will never know because he can’t face it

you know @Gobsmacked39 i hope you are glad when you are out of this incredibly unbalanced marriage

Overwhelmed so couldn’t do anything at home? Had a panic attack because he’s been found out?! Frankly, OP, he’s done you a MASSIVE favour. Get yourself out of there, in all ways, physically and emotionally.

i think he’s done OP a favour!

He has given her the anger to see him for what he is

I would fly home op as he's trying to manipulate you with his stupid panic attacks etc

Aaand here we are again. Intelligent women ends up with total scum.