Just found out my husband of 3 years has been cheating for the past 18 months

[Gobsmacked39]

Long story short. On holiday with hubby; this is our first day of a two week holiday. It didn’t start great as his luggage was lost at the airport, so a bit cranky because of it. Trying to help him trace his luggage whilst he was in the pool only to find hundreds of messages, videos, suggestive pics of my hubby and one of his older former colleagues. This has apparently been going on for the past 18 months, whilst we’ve been married for 3 years and going through IVF in the past year. I’m absolutely devastated. I’m struggling to process what’s going on; feeling quite emotionally detached from it all - maybe it’s the shock. Things have not been perfect with IVF and miscarriages but this started way before that …. The messages broke me with I LOVE YOU being said on a daily basis. I’m reading through them and I don’t recognize my marriage; I feel like we’ve been living 2 different realities. He says he loves me but then allegedly he’s infatuated with her… but doesn’t want to break up. I can’t even process what’s going on ….

OP, I know it is raw at the moment. But when you have been able to process this there may be an opportunity for you to take step back and consider why you so often comment about people's financial standing - specifically being financially stable - and also referenced your husband's affair partner as highly educated.

These are not yardsticks by which to judge people's worth, character, or moral code. They may be of interest to an employer, but it's not who they as individuals.

This horrible experience has perhaps demonstrated to you that being highly educated and of sound financial standing does not a moral person make.

I really feel for you, holed up with him far away from home trying to make sense of everything you’ve discovered. He must feel like a stranger, someone you thought you knew but it was just an act.
To have gone through IVF thinking he was onboard even though he refused to get tested. Brushing away the niggle that you were more invested in having his child as his words didn’t match his actions as had he really wanted a child he would have made sure it his sperm was healthy.
He goes through life playing different characters pretending to be someone whose core values and integrity align with you.
He is just a mirage, telling you what he thinks you need or want, mirroring himself on you so he appears pretty perfect for you.
Behind the smile and charm is someone who only loves himself who will take and betray all those unfortunate enough to believe in him. He’s a master manipulator who is incapable of loving anyone but himself and right now he is panicking as he is cornered, he doesn’t like being found out until after he moves on to someone else to get another step up to achieve his goals.

When one gets their heart shredded by someone like him it’s easy to go down the rabbit hole of feeling you weren’t enough or foolish for being reeled in but the reality is he is the one who isn’t authentic or real. He is the one who isn’t enough for you, he’s the one who has no heart and you my lovely are a Queen x

What a knob.

OP you are financially independent, already do everything around the house, have a good head on your shoulders. Cut this cheating man child loose!
You deserve so much more than this.

Can't believe also that you've been going through IVF and he wouldn't even have any of the initial tests?! WTF?! Did his refusal not give you pause as to what sort of partner he is, and what sort of parent he would make?

I think finding out about his affair is a sign from the universe TBH to set you free from him.

OP, I was in a long relationship with someone who was wildly exciting, we created projects together etc etc. But he was v damaged by significant childhood history. I had the idea that I could help him. That our relationship would be enough. That my care, and mitigation of his ‘shortcomings ‘ would make it all OK

Guess what?

After I ‘understood’ so many transgressions, ‘listened to’ his explanations and wailing etc etc he NEVER changed. My support was enabling him not to take responsibility for genuine self reflection and change. He then committed an act that not only broke me emotionally but embarrassed me socially and professionally.

Don’t get trapped in this cycle.

You are not an ‘empath’, you are an emotionally abused woman

Get yourself on a plane and get home and away from him.

What he choses to do is his choice be that follow you or kill himself - though I think that is more likely an attempt at manipulation than reality. But if that is what he choses to do - so be it. His choice not yours.

tell your parents, tell his parents. His parents can ‘support him’ which can offset any feelings of responsibility that you have towards him and all his threats of hurting himself.

your parents can hopefully support you.

tell your friends - get support. You’ve done nothing wrong. You do not need to keep his secret - reach out to every avenue that you can.

get yourself to a divorce lawyer asap - get things sorted out.

I would tell her husband - not out of spite - but because he has a right to know - if he is ignorant to all this like you were - you know how he will be feeling. Calmly, gently but factually tell him - he deserves to know so he can make choices.

it is the shock of your life - but you need to protect yourself both mentally and financially.

it is his shame - it is not your shame.

you owe nothing to this man and his bit on the side

you owe everything to yourself to survive this and move forward .

don’t engage with him or her any further - everything through solicitors- you do not need any more of his lies or attempts to win your pity. Emotionally he deserves absolutely nothing from you.

so sorry this has happened to you.

don’t allow him to do anything more - protect yourself both mentally and your oneards life and assets.

cheating scum like him add nothing to your life.

It hurts like crazy now - but you will survive this and are better off without such deception in your life.

I couldn’t agree more @ArtAngel 👏🏻

You are not an ‘empath’, you are an emotionally abused woman!

IME men who threatens suicide don't kill themselves. It's emotional blackmail.

Men who actually kill themselves don't tell anyone.

That isn't strictly true, many men who kill themselves do say things such as ' I don't want to be alive anymore' or ' I wish I was dead' or ' I've nothing to live for'. They are often dismissed as attention seeking or being over dramatic.

But that's not a threat. That's ideation.

Men who say if you keep talking about this, I'll kill myself, or if you don't love me I'll kill myself, or I know I've behaved badly so I'm going to kill myself, do not kill themselves.

It's not a threat, I agree it's ideation. I'm merely making the point that saying that people who talk about it don't try is incorrect. I would not want a person to be dismissed as attention seeking when they aren't.
Edited to say, I'm not commenting further as I have experience of a family member attempting suicide and nearly succeeding, so it's a distressing subject for me.

And if you read my post I didn't say that. I said that men who threaten suicide don't mean it.

I'm thinking the OP is not ready to give up this relationship.

I would imagine many a red flag was ignored due to TTC by IVF.

If you are that stage of trying for a baby, you can convince yourself of anything.

18 months of cheating doesn't come without any suspicious behaviour, but there are non so blind than those who do not want to see.

That's completely different than the men who threaten suicide if a woman leaves them and instantly go back to being happy and delighted with life once they get their own way.

@Gobsmacked39 hope you're OK 🙏🏼

You cant spend two weeks there. You could convince yourself it’s just a holiday with someone you know, rather than a cheating husband, you could reframe/ minimise his actions in your head, you could feel sorry for him and focus on him being better, you could ‘talk it out’… but you shouldn’t! You must come home and start your new life without him in about 14hrs.
This is harming you and it needs to stop.

1. get the next flight home
2. speak to everyone and tell them her name. It’s not your job to keep anybody’s dirty secrets.
3. speak to a solicitor and sort out living arrangements

You've got this.
He's not your family and no child wants to be born to a dad like that.

you'll find a lot of empaths are emotionally abused women, because of their abundance kindness, they don't see that someone could or would be that cruel or manipulative, as its not within their nature. sadly it it takes something like this, to wake them up to the emotional abuse and for them to get out.

I find this a cruel and victim-blaming thing to say. I see it often, with no evidence behind it. I think people want to believe there must be signs that were ignored because that would mean it couldn't happen to them. I discovered last year that my husband had been having an 18 month affair. He had been extremely good at covering his tracks and there had never been a single piece of concrete evidence. He used a separate credit card, had a locked chat with notifications turned off, nearly always met her during work time and outside of that always had an explanation for where he was and who he was with; if he was late he would send me a photo of the crowded train platform with delay signs then get in a taxi. Whenever I talked to him about changes in his behaviour he had convincing reasons for them (I was pregnant when it started, and having a baby and a two-year old is hard and seemed like adequate explanation), and he was good at gaslighting me. Ultimately, we don't tend to go around expecting that someone we love and trust will be lying to our faces.

OP, I second those who have said it is much better to find out now than once you are pregnant or have a baby.

Sorry this has happened to you, and especially finding out while on holiday.

If I was you, I would need time away from DP and to think about the best way to separate a quickly and painlessly as possible.

If you are still on holiday, you need to get away from him for a bit. Say you're going for a walk/coffee/drink and you will be back in an hour or so.

You need to use this hour to sit in peace and plan a flight home. Anywhere in the UK. Just the next available. Then when you get back, you need to pack up, leave, and tell him that you need to go home to evaluate the best way forward.

You are not going to be able to achieve this if he is clinging to you and there 24/7.

When you get back home, you're going to pack up his things and leave them at the door (or yours if you have somewhere to go or prefer to leave).

You should then hopefully jave some time to straighten out your head to say to him when he is back that you are done, and the relationship is over.

Personally, despite your husband's apology and clingy performance I don't think for one minute he, or the OW have any grasp of the damage they have caused. Nor do they really care, no morals at all.
They are in fantasy land and your husband is sorry he got caught, that's all...

So...did you live?

Did you mean leave?

If they both own the home he has a legal right to live in it until it's sold. She can't just pack up his things and leave them on the doorstep

Or until one person buys the other out