Just found out my husband of 3 years has been cheating for the past 18 months

[Gobsmacked39]

Long story short. On holiday with hubby; this is our first day of a two week holiday. It didn’t start great as his luggage was lost at the airport, so a bit cranky because of it. Trying to help him trace his luggage whilst he was in the pool only to find hundreds of messages, videos, suggestive pics of my hubby and one of his older former colleagues. This has apparently been going on for the past 18 months, whilst we’ve been married for 3 years and going through IVF in the past year. I’m absolutely devastated. I’m struggling to process what’s going on; feeling quite emotionally detached from it all - maybe it’s the shock. Things have not been perfect with IVF and miscarriages but this started way before that …. The messages broke me with I LOVE YOU being said on a daily basis. I’m reading through them and I don’t recognize my marriage; I feel like we’ve been living 2 different realities. He says he loves me but then allegedly he’s infatuated with her… but doesn’t want to break up. I can’t even process what’s going on ….

I'm sorry, he's playing you with all this nonsense.

Cut your losses, go home without him and start making copies of all important documents. See a shit hot divorce lawyer. Don't give in to his "poor me" act for an instant. Find your anger, fast!!

What a prick. There’s no coming back from 18 months. That’s not a drunken mistake. This is a full blown physical and emotional affair. The betrayal is surpassed only by the manipulation, the weeping and wailing, to get you to stay with him. In your shoes I’d try to get a flight home asap.

Screenshot the evidence!!!!

Can you access other financials on his phone for evidence?

Exactly this I’m so sorry to read this but you need to end it and fly home and sort everything out and be thankful you haven’t had a child with this horrible man.

you will move on and have kids with someone HONEST and kind who will treat you like a queen - get rid of him - how on earth can you ever trust him after this? And is this behaviour representative of how you wish your child’s father to me because it sure as hell wouldn’t be for me!

Don’t want to stoop to that level. I’ve seen enough in this phone. Don’t even know why I took some screenshots of the act as it makes me sick just thinking about it. Reality is he’s infatuated with a lifestyle he wishes he had-went to private school but didn’t end up with one from that circle. Life is good; financially very secure but I guess will never had that lifestyle. She does and is everything he wishes he was/had. She’s just bored I think; feels neglected and he obviously have her his air share of attention. Psychology aside, this is all fucked up and thought I understand why it happened - know him far better than eh does himself- it’s all inexcusable. So is he but then again don’t care about her as she’s not my husband .

OP I’m 7 months ahead of you and I feel for you so strongly. My husband had been conducting a multi-year extra marital affair including producing a child and still insists that he’s the victim.

The months following the discovery of the affair ended up being both terrifying and dangerous for me. It started very similarly to what you’ve just described here. Threats of suicide that became very real and trapped me in the role of being responsible for keeping him alive. It escalated and I spent months afraid and am still traumatised. Please be under no illusion that he may escalate further if he feels he has a chance to preserve his nice life. He’s been willing to treat you as a commodity, that isn’t going to suddenly change. His words hold no value.

You are currently extremely vulnerable to both manipulation and harm. More vulnerable than you realise. You need to put up boundaries so you have time to process. Remove yourself from the room. Take a rucksack which includes your passport and wallet so you have options. Take yourself somewhere safe and call and tell your Mum or your trusted people what has happened and that you want to go home. That will hep place you back at the centre of your handling of this. You need to remove yourself from this situation completely so you have the time and space that you’ll need to begin to process the enormity of what he’s done. This alone might take time.

What he’s done is pretty final. It’s a huge breach of trust whilst you’re suffering through a low ebb of fertility struggles. He has shown you exactly who he is and how little respect he has for you. You need to find your strength to remove yourself from this situation so you can grieve privately.

7 months on I’ve learnt so much about my husband, how little of his self-absorption I was able to see whilst I was in it. I’ve also learnt a tremendous amount about me, and it’s all good. But it started once I put boundaries for my safety and mental peace in place and I wasted 6 weeks getting there and my suffering increased a lot. Please don’t do the same.

Do not let him do this to you after this disgusting betrayal. He can't offer you anything now except for a lifetime where you never trust him or feel safe and secure again, bad enough to cheat and take your choices away but now he won't even let you make up your own mind what to do. Book yourself another room.

@Gobsmacked39
I cannot stress this enough.

1. Get some sleep
2. Tomorrow - Get some space.
3. Once alone arrange a flight home.
4. Call someone and get real life support. tell them you are coming home

. if you think hes a danger to himself (i thonk hes chatting shit tbh) Either go see reception and explain briefly or send the hotel an email (chatgpt will help just use dictate function blurt it out and it will do the work)

Ignore the "panic attack" it wont kill him.e I've had enough to know... Ive also seen enough of them faked... so they dont "move me"

The "you cant call reception" stuff is nonsense. Just say stop this now or i will get you medical help if he is havong a legit panic attack he is not going to be able to physically stop you leaving a room and heading to reception.

Get out there asap.
Go to a different hotel if needed but get away from him.

^^ everything @SalmonOnFinnCrisp says.
I’d be booking a flight home tomorrow, leave while he’s sitting by the pool enjoying himself.
He’s clearly not only a despicable cheat but also a manipulative liar, I wouldn’t be able to stand being anywhere near him.

I disagree. It would be extremely difficult to legislate for legally but it very much can be abuse, faking a whole life with someone, there is often gaslighting (although in OPs case she didn't suspect), it is something that if found out can have a catastrophic impact on the other due to the betrayal so the impact can be very much like abuse.

The good things are that you are financially secure on your own, you're the organizer and able to take care of yourself.
Honestly, book yourself a return flight asap; let him go off for a swim then leave.
Get home and book appt with a few solicitors and serve him papers.

OP stop taking care of him. He is having you on. Let him have his panic attacks alone, let his manipulative threats of suicide hang in the air. I agree with others that you need to get a different room, he's totally playing you right now and it's not fair on you to have to do all this because he had an affair. He's disgusting.

Hi OP, I am terribly sorry for what has happened. What I would suggest apart from the advice of trying try to either go home or get another room is to tell at least one other person or even lots. Don’t carry this burden alone and make the shame change sides. You did nothing wrong and your friends and family should know what a piece of work he is and be able to support you practically and emotionally.

I was half way through this thread when i was about to post and say that very soon he will blame his mental health and threaten to kill himself so he ready to expect it. But he got there first. It’s a great way to control you. I still worry post divorce about it even though it’s bullshit.

Pathetic fucking arsehole
get on the next flight home op . Do not be sucked in by his dramatics .

Couldn't read and run.

I know that horrible sinking feeling when you see the messages :(

Get your shit together, FOCUS!!

You are stronger than you think ❤

IVF is really rough on relationships. The long road of emotional heartache and disappointment that couples often face in the run up to starting cycles, as well as the sex on a schedule conversion of intimacy from connection to conception, can put pressure on closeness in the relationship.

But that is no excuse to cheat - especially for so long. He should have been putting his energy into dating you, doing interesting things together with you, sharing his feelings with you - being there for you, as a couple.

3 years is so short. For him to have begun cheating after 18 months of marriage is ridiculous.

He can get his own room. You need this time to thank your lucky stars that you don't have children with him, and to start planning the rest of your life and how you untangle yourself financially, emotionally and otherwise from this individual.

So he was still texting her this morning, saying he wished he was there with her and not you? Wow, what a piece of shit.

Oh it’s typical to threaten self harm and have a panic attack. He’s wanting you to sort this out so he doesn’t have to feel bad about anything. Waiting for you to click back into capable mode and make decisions which centre him.
The good thing is he’s not your responsibility any more. It feels very freeing to only have to consider yourself. My cheating ex was very confused when I just withdrew and tried everything to get me back into wife mode. That included threats of self harm. (But didn’t include finishing properly with OW because that would have been too hard for him).
I can still remember the look of panic when I told him we were over and he and OW could be together now. 😁

And absolutely second advice around calling reception for medical advice if he pulls the panic attack card again. He is no longer your responsibility, you are not here for him like he has not been there for you. If he is ill, he can speak to a doctor, like he would have to if you were not there.

Head to the airport and fly home, even indirectly.
The stress of being there subject to his manipulation is not going to be in your favour.
Your marriage is over. Get out of there.

Panic attack because he’s been found out? Pathetic piece of shit.

Don’t bother talking to him, just book a flight home and see a solicitor. Take back control.

He can go and stay with his parents and you can move forward without him messing your life up.

Her husband deserves to know. He’ll probably divorce her and if that upsets the children then that’s her fault. Ask him to change room or you change room and avoid him. I hope you took photos of the messages. Your DH is lying about the suicidal thoughts.

So sorry. Pack your bags (in a basic way, just get the essentials) and head to the airport. You’ll find a flight out of there and from there you can go back home. It’ll be worth it as it’ll get you away from his manipulations and give you the sense of being captain of your own ship. Xx