Just found out my husband of 3 years has been cheating for the past 18 months

[Gobsmacked39]

Long story short. On holiday with hubby; this is our first day of a two week holiday. It didn’t start great as his luggage was lost at the airport, so a bit cranky because of it. Trying to help him trace his luggage whilst he was in the pool only to find hundreds of messages, videos, suggestive pics of my hubby and one of his older former colleagues. This has apparently been going on for the past 18 months, whilst we’ve been married for 3 years and going through IVF in the past year. I’m absolutely devastated. I’m struggling to process what’s going on; feeling quite emotionally detached from it all - maybe it’s the shock. Things have not been perfect with IVF and miscarriages but this started way before that …. The messages broke me with I LOVE YOU being said on a daily basis. I’m reading through them and I don’t recognize my marriage; I feel like we’ve been living 2 different realities. He says he loves me but then allegedly he’s infatuated with her… but doesn’t want to break up. I can’t even process what’s going on ….

Get to a sexual health clinic too when you're home. I assume these things are checked under IVF but I would want to be sure I was all clear.

so had to tuck him in whilst begging me not to leave.

You tucked him in??!!
I wouldn’t do this for a grown man who wasn’t a cheat, let alone one that was.

Its ok for it not to have hit you yet but do not be a mug.

You know you don’t tuck in a man that has been lying, cheating, going behind your back and telling another woman he loves her.

Do you think if she said he can move in with her he’d be staying and tucking you in?
He’d be gone without giving you a second thought.

Try and get a room in a different hotel.

You need the space to work out your next steps but to also make sure you’re not being manipulated anymore.

Or make him go home, and enjoy the holiday that you’ve organised and paid for without the duplicitous loser.

Showing sincere support for you OP, agree with all the previous posts.

He's looked OUT for himself, now time to look AFTER yourself.

So sorry OP, I can imagine how numb you’re feeling right now.
Unfortunately, your husband will take full advantage of your “lack of response” whilst your mind is coming to terms with the truth.
Panic attacks can’t kill you and they’re easy enough to fake, do not tuck him in again.

Get your documents together (passport, bank cards, cash, flight information) and your clothes and leave. Stay in another hotel or room or go straight to the airport. But leave.

You also need to tell someone back home, that will keep you grounded and help prevent you from being swallowed up by your husband’s pending bullshit.

Good luck OP, I hope you divorce him.

Ah the old killing himself line, cheaters handbook 101

Mine tried that line too. The silly arse is still here sadly, 16 years post divorce.

It annoys me that people are saying get another room! He needs to leave! Please tell someone irl. U got this!

As others have said this is text book behaviour from cheaters- lots of us have lived it. Don’t think anyone will come on here to say the cheater actually went through with the manipulative threat. Please get away from him and avoid contact with him as far as is at all possible.

He's not the one for you. Find someone who treasures you.

What everyone else says - get on the next plane. His panic attack is fake and he won’t kill himself. Really sorry this has happened to you op.

Take your stuff and get a taxi to the airport. They will change your flight for you and you will be able to go home and get away from him.

Panic attacks aren't dangerous and he won't kill himself over losing you as he is far too self centered for that.

I agree and if he was so concerned about losing you then he wouldn’t be cheating and telling another woman that he loves her.

You can’t go from wanting to end your relationship and be with another woman for over a year to suddenly wanting to kill yourself because your wife wants to leave you.
That doesn’t make sense.
You know he’s lying and trying to manipulate you.

Exactly. The airline staff will be more than enthusiastic to help if the OP tells them what the reason is.

I think I would go home for space and time to process. Work maybe even ask work if you can go back early so you can have your holiday days later in the year when you can enjoy them.

Please be warned my "fucking idiot" actually did try and top himself after I caught the messages, it wasn't a cry for help,he would have actually killed himself, it's just by chance I caught him before it was too late.

You have all of my sympathy for what your going through, but what is done is done.. only you know him.

I'm not saying be a doormat, but just calm down and let yourself process what's happened.

You absolutely will come out the other side either way, whatever you decide!

If we are blessed enough to live to 100 years old, that's only 36,500 days!!

We would all be blessed with the richness of fifty two million,five hundred and sixty thousand minutes to spend.

But as life shows us, too many of our loved ones, or even acquaintances, get the chance to spend even less than half of those minutes that we all take for granted!

So don't waste another minute, the. Clock is ticking!

If you are all inclusive, go straighr to the bar, wink at the bar tender in your sexy bikini

Today the sun will rise, and it will set.

The rest is up to you xxx

What is there to say, really? You dont need his agreement for how you respond to this. Hi panic attacks, suicide threats and general theatrics are also Not Your Problem

You are so switched on & sensible it’s impressive!
Glad you’re not entertaining all the ‘cut his clothes’ and ‘laxatives’ in his drink type suggestions. Not wise, you’re abroad, no ideas what the laws are where you are- but it’s not behaviour I’d be encouraging, no idea what the potential repercussions could be. Would just inflame them situation.
Also agree it’s nothing to do with the other woman.

Maybe you’ll see this as the trigger for making the wise decision to leave this man. He is not your equal from the little you’ve said about him. I doubt he would have made a good father- sounds like a lucky escape for you.

I would get home if you can and leave him to it. Get the financials together ready for divorce. Failing that then try and keep things civil while abroad.

This is just awful, OP, I'm so sorry. And his reaction is pathetic and manipulative, it's all about him, when you're the one who's been shat on.

Go home if you possibly can, even if you have to get indirect flights. Leave him to stew over what he's lost, and get those ducks in a row.

I'd want to change the locks and dump his stuff in the front garden, tbh.

This! So sorry this is happening to you OP

Hope things are clearer for you this am, Op. I agree that you need to safely get away from your husband's continued manipulation of you.

He’s an absolute delight. How dare he manipulate you with a pathetic fake panic attack. Also think it’s weird he’s seemingly so immature but has a thing for older women with children - it’s a bit Freudian!

You’ve had a lucky escape. Sounds awful because obviously IVF is so very difficult but one day you’ll be glad it didn’t work out otherwise you’d have been stuck with him forever.

Either swap hotels and try to get your head together in a nice place or get on a flight home.

Don’t really have a choice. Losing my shit won’t do me/us any good. What infuriates me now, couple of drinks later, I’d that we did PGT during IVF and he refused to get checked to see if there’s anything wrong with him. So I’m carrying all the blame not being ‘able’ to have kids whilst he was out enjoying his best life with his former colleague leaving me home dealing with all our shit as he was always too overwhelmed to do anything around the house.

Why did he refuse to get checked? How utterly bizarre? Unless….he doesn’t want a child with you OP? In fact, there can’t really be any other reason can there?

He is awful. A private school boy who’s had to ‘slum it’ with you. What a cunt.

He sounds gross and childish OP. He's been cheating for half of your marriage and is trying to manipulate you into sympathy for him. He made a deliberate, conscious effort to have a lack of respect for you every single day for 18 months. Don't lose sight of that.

I feel like you are going to find your anger very soon, OP. And rightly so.