Just found out my husband of 3 years has been cheating for the past 18 months

[Gobsmacked39]

Long story short. On holiday with hubby; this is our first day of a two week holiday. It didn’t start great as his luggage was lost at the airport, so a bit cranky because of it. Trying to help him trace his luggage whilst he was in the pool only to find hundreds of messages, videos, suggestive pics of my hubby and one of his older former colleagues. This has apparently been going on for the past 18 months, whilst we’ve been married for 3 years and going through IVF in the past year. I’m absolutely devastated. I’m struggling to process what’s going on; feeling quite emotionally detached from it all - maybe it’s the shock. Things have not been perfect with IVF and miscarriages but this started way before that …. The messages broke me with I LOVE YOU being said on a daily basis. I’m reading through them and I don’t recognize my marriage; I feel like we’ve been living 2 different realities. He says he loves me but then allegedly he’s infatuated with her… but doesn’t want to break up. I can’t even process what’s going on ….

leave the room, go to reception and ask for another room or leave completely, your only going to be miserable if you stay and he is only going to lie to you more, don't pander to him. thankfully you don't have children with him. leave him while you still can you deserve better. he sounds pathetic

No that’s can be awfully dangerous! It’s not a funny thing to do, they can cause permanent damage .
OP doesn’t need to stoop to assaulting him with medication .

100% you need to go home, I would be making plans to protect myself incase he turns nasty. He as broken all trust and you owe him nothing. I would be making sure the OW is aware that you know what has been going on and I would be creating a massive shit storm for the pair of them. Protect yourself please x

And if there are complications and he dies, seriously i cant beleive this is a genuine suggestion how old are you?

Op the red flags were there he showed you who he was so beleive him

I'd definitely go home.

I'm so sorry. What a dreadful shock.

He’s having a panic attack?

I agree. He's cornered now. Be very careful.

Thank god you don’t have kids with him.

What are your immediate finances like? Can you afford a second hotel room? To change flights and come home early?

First big hugs OP. You sound lovely and no one deserves this.
Second go and get a flight home. Don’t worry about him, he is a grown up and can get his own luggage and get home when he wants.
Get a small bag with your passport, cards, money etc ready and keep it with you until you are out of the country. That way you can make a quick exit if he turns nasty.

I would not personally do anything like cut up clothes or any other act of revenge. You need to focus on you not him. Get yourself out and then contact a solicitor when you get home.

Search Chump Lady she has loads of advice for when you find out this life shattering information. She always says of acts of revenge ‘if it feels good don’t do it’.

The best revenge is getting out and moving on with your life without him.

Best of luck OP you can do this. Stay safe, stay strong.

💪 🧡💐

We’re both financially secure so that’s not an issue. Though he’s just had a proper panic attack or faked it, not sure, so had to tuck him in whilst begging me not to leave. Pretty sure I’m being manipulated but I guess that’s my fault since I’ve always put him first

You need to book a room of your own that he isn’t allowed into to get through this holiday.

OP, I'm so sorry. And the cheek of it to now act like he's the victim and need you to comfort him. He should have the dignity to leave you alone! He won't though, he'll cling to you and explain, try to get you to keep going with the role he's assigned you (holiday and life organizer).

Everyone has given you good advice, I'd use that cold distanced feeling you have right now to give yourself some space from him, be calm, get another room and then get back to someone like a friend or your family. I would tell them all, another reason men often want you to shut up is so their image isn't damaged, but he's been having an affair for half your short marriage and that ship has sailed.

You do what is right for you- if that be he gets out of the hotel room and pays for another one, that's what happens. He has no right to your sympathy, or comfort or for you to reassure him (panic attack? let him call the OW for reassurance). Talk with someone you trust, or in fact anyone you feel like talking with, don't feel the need to keep his secret now, he's probably hoping you'll not tell anyone so he can get you back on side and then make up his mind, but that's not going to happen.

In years to come, you'll see this as a turning point for the better but right now, the sting and the betrayal is yet to completely hit- comfort and cushion yourself, not him. Do whatever you have to do to cope.

What a complete a hole. Evil and cruel. I think men or women who do this should be legally charged with abuse. It is the most devastating thing to do to someone.
Stay strong.

Classic signs of a narcissistic manipulator. This is textbook!

He’s the one in the wrong, however he doesn’t have the balls or the emotional capacity to admit what he’s done, so he’s now trying to play the victim and make you feel sorry for him.

It’s fucking sickening. I am so angry for you.

Tell him to fuck off and sleep on the balcony. Tomorrow morning he can book his own room or fly home.

Please please please don’t fall for his “panic attack” Oscar worthy bullshit. He’s faking it.

And please don’t agree to “talk” over a meal tomorrow. He’s fucked it. You will never trust this man again.

You need time and space away from him to be able to properly process and digest what’s gone on. You’re currently in shock.

An affair is not abuse, what is happening on MN thse days

The op is guillibe if ther do nothing and yes I would not stay if cheated on but calling it abuse is appalling for people who actually suffer abuse, seriously some perspective is needed

Can we not call a woman who has just found out her husband is a cheat “gullible” please.

Also, cheating absolutely is a form of emotional abuse. Being cheated on is traumatic.

What the man is doing right now (faking a panic attack so the OP feels sorry for him) is a form of emotional abuse.

Cheating is abuse. It is an abhorrant abuse of trust.

It is physically putting someone's life at risk via STDs.
It is secretively using years of another person's life while they are unawares.

Emotional, financial and physical abuse of the worst kind; happening under the safety of one's own roof.

so sorry OP, that’s a terrible shock. This will be your life if you stay - they don’t change and it would be 100% worse with children. You would also be totally trapped then - it makes it so so much harder to leave. This is horrible but it’s temporary and you will get through it. You need to become an ice queen. Sort an alternative room, either he moves or you do. Alternatively, just arrange to go home (independently of course). This is the point at which all joint endeavour stops. Don’t submit to panic attacks, self harm threats etc just get the fuck away from him. I’m so glad you’re financially independent - this is fixable, you will be happy again and honestly your life without him creating mess and work will be a happy one.

Don’t blame yourself for any of this. He’s playing you. Get packed and leave either for a different hotel or home. And I’d take his phone with me. Plus tell her you know.

id also tell her husband why should you be the only one to suffer.

truly hoping you don’t give him another chance, ive been there it will get worse

Sorry you’re going through this but what do you mean , tuck him in ? Because he was having a panic attack ?

Don’t want to ruin someone else’s life. She has 2 kids; nice family, financially secure. It’s his fault and his fault only. He had committed to me not him. I can have any feelings towards her but doesn’t change the fact the person who promised to love me betrayed me in such a horrible way. Her life will just go one I suppose. This was the typical I’m 43 and need to feel sexy again whilst my just as doesn’t notice be anymore and I take care of my kids, it’s his fault and his fault only for betraying me

Don’t know what to do. We’re 14 hours away from home and yea refusing to call reception whist not being able to breath and taking about killing himself. I’d rather just go through the night and talk like adults tomorrow - if that’s possible at all

I think do whatever you need and wnat to do, OP, but he is absolutely painting himself as the victim, and he is not. If it's easier not to push him out of the room right now, wait til morning, as you say and then calmly ask him to go stay in another room. He probably does feel desperate right now at his own stupidity, but importantly, this isn't your fault or your responsibility. He sounds like an utter child, I imagine all this pathetic behaviour is making you colder and calmer. You need support, though, not to be looking after him. I'd be factual tomorrow- if he's mentally unwell, call reception or a medical facility, I bet he'll suddenly pull himself together at this point...(I have seen this many times, men who are cheaters or behaving outrageously in their marriages go into a 'I'm having a nervous breakdown' mode when finally called on it).

Know that you are strong, have financial means to cope and that you will get through this, seek support for yourself tomorrow, whoever you want to help you. It's not all about him, whatever he thinks.

At least book a separate room op…

I think he’s playing you . He’s trying to make you feel sorry for him . By the end of your holiday he ll want you feeling sorry for him . He sounds extremely immature. Please don’t have children with him . Your future children deserve the best chance in life to have a great , fully committed family man as a father so find them one because he is a selfish , immature, pathetic Prat . Are you in your 20s or 30s ?