Just found out my husband of 3 years has been cheating for the past 18 months

[Gobsmacked39]

Long story short. On holiday with hubby; this is our first day of a two week holiday. It didn’t start great as his luggage was lost at the airport, so a bit cranky because of it. Trying to help him trace his luggage whilst he was in the pool only to find hundreds of messages, videos, suggestive pics of my hubby and one of his older former colleagues. This has apparently been going on for the past 18 months, whilst we’ve been married for 3 years and going through IVF in the past year. I’m absolutely devastated. I’m struggling to process what’s going on; feeling quite emotionally detached from it all - maybe it’s the shock. Things have not been perfect with IVF and miscarriages but this started way before that …. The messages broke me with I LOVE YOU being said on a daily basis. I’m reading through them and I don’t recognize my marriage; I feel like we’ve been living 2 different realities. He says he loves me but then allegedly he’s infatuated with her… but doesn’t want to break up. I can’t even process what’s going on ….

When /if you speak to the woman get what you need from the conversation but don’t give her any reassurances that you won’t tell. You don’t owe her anything and she doesn’t deserve your kindness.

She’ll want to make sure you aren’t going to blow up her family/work. What a pair. Look after yourself.

Yep she wants to make sure her husband doesn’t find out
or anyone else for that matter she has an image to present to the world
if you want to make her sweat and I totally advise this - if you do speak to her don’t react let her talk the say
“this is all very raw I haven’t decided what I want to do” this from @frozendaisy
i wouldn’t trust him not to have another phone that he’s still contacting her on…
be cautious that they’re not plotting against you, well they probably are and will chuck as much guilt inducing crap as they can at you.

I disagree
Cheating is abuse . It exposes the unwitting partner to STD risks, takes money and time from the family pot and almost always includes a hefty amount of gaslighting

And abuse is not an excuse to cheat.

(I left a DV marriage, he didn't cheat but the parallels are clear to me)

I'd fly home and go to tell OW husband. Then I'd get my ducks in a row with a solicitor. You'll need marriage certificate and pension and mortgage details for divorce. This horrible man has lied to your face for 18 months, trying to get you pregnant whilst cheating on you. Get angry OP and go home and plan your divorce. Tell joint friends and his parents what he has done too. Don't give him the chance to get in first with more of his lies.

Agree with this. Get home before he does. Sort paperwork. And get STD tests

It's ducks in a row time

Find slapable jerk on fb

he portrays a cheat in skits but its very accurate the way he acts it out.

panic attacks. Trying to justify it all, its gives insight to the cheaters steps along the way.

OP, you mentioned having children in one of your posts, so I assume they are yours from a previous relationship, and that you are doing IVF to have a baby with this cheating waste of space.

Save yourself from any further entanglement with this chump. He is a manipulative low life who doesn't care about you in any way. Someone on holiday with his wife, messaging another woman wishing it was them instead is a special kind of scumbag too.

Do not give him the chance to further exploit your good nature. Get on a flight home and begin divorce proceedings. There can be no coming back from such a cruel betrayal.

He is not who you thought he was and he is not a safe person to build a family with. He will say anything now to weasel his way out of this, you can’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He is an accomplished liar and he will never change. I’m going to say that again HE WILL NEVER CHANGE.

Leave him and take care of yourself.

Please misplace his passport, you get to go home in peace and get planning and he can be stuck with the added expense of new passport and flights.

God what a completely pathetic individual he is.

He's very unlikely to kill himself. If he does, that's not your responsibility or your fault. My ex is still here three years later. It was all talk. The way I handled it was to say every time that I was going to call his parents/sister to let them deal with it. He pretty quickly changed his tune and stopped saying it.

Understandable - both upset with no-one else to turn to.

Your husband is a loser.
It is bad enough to cheat after 20 years and several children. But you get people can drift appart. The presures of life...
But just married and trying for a baby. Dump his sorry arse. He is not worthy a penny.

He has been consistently lying to you for a long period of time. Do not believe him now. He is not having a panic attack he is working in his own best interests which does not include allowing you the power to make decisions about what happens next. This man does not love you. Get away from him and allow yourself some grace I. Terms of time to come to terms with events and this shocking new knowledge. Please do not be deceived by him. If he threatens suicide call for medical help and walk away. He is not going to kill himself whilst he has the ow as a reserve. Please turn your kindness and empathy on yourself and away from him.

I think I’d fly home and leave him to it. I wouldn’t be accepting his panic either. He messed up on repeat not you. I wouldn’t give the other woman the satisfaction of talking to her. I think her reasoning is don’t tell my husband. Make a plan, put yourself first, head held high.

Why would you talk to her? What is there to say?

This. You should go home before him otherwise he will be the one changing the locks, emptying the joint bank account (if you have one), possibly hiding important documents and spreading his version of events to put you in a bad light. Protect yourself at all costs.

Op you mention drinks…please
be very careful. You are in a foreign country with an unfaithful liar who has been caught. Now the OW wants to talk with you. This is all too isolating. You need a clear alcohol free head.

Please follow others good advice and get your stuff and get home. I left Canada first class once after having a similar experience and I just went right to the airport told the agent and she put me on a flight. People recognize stress and trauma.

you can’t reconcile with someone who has lied to you for half your marriage. This is not to be talked thru or counseled thru.

very shady he would not engahe in fertility testing. I’m shocked the fertility specialist allowed it. Is he hiding something from you?

Your attitude seems very prim and rigid in that you seem unable to comprehend that both men and women cheat and, crucially, it's not always about sex.

No matter anyway because making cheating an actual reason to put somebody in jail is so unworkable that it ain't ever going to happen.

So that poor cow down the road who - unwisely, I agree- has cheated with a single man (who is not much better but at least doesn't hit her) has nothing to fear from you or the rest of The Morality Police.

You need to grow a spine.

Fuck his "panic attack".
Fuck the IVF
Fuck him (not literally)
Fuck his OW

Meet someone who doesn't have children. Leave him. You'll only be thankful you did later on. Better to be single again and hold your head up high.

OP doesn't mention having DC
She has said the OW has 2 DC.

Ooohh blow her up too. I’m all for a good public shaming of cheaters - both of them.

Honestly what is it with these fucking men who blow their lives up then act like the victims. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.