Just found out my husband of 3 years has been cheating for the past 18 months

[Gobsmacked39]

Long story short. On holiday with hubby; this is our first day of a two week holiday. It didn’t start great as his luggage was lost at the airport, so a bit cranky because of it. Trying to help him trace his luggage whilst he was in the pool only to find hundreds of messages, videos, suggestive pics of my hubby and one of his older former colleagues. This has apparently been going on for the past 18 months, whilst we’ve been married for 3 years and going through IVF in the past year. I’m absolutely devastated. I’m struggling to process what’s going on; feeling quite emotionally detached from it all - maybe it’s the shock. Things have not been perfect with IVF and miscarriages but this started way before that …. The messages broke me with I LOVE YOU being said on a daily basis. I’m reading through them and I don’t recognize my marriage; I feel like we’ve been living 2 different realities. He says he loves me but then allegedly he’s infatuated with her… but doesn’t want to break up. I can’t even process what’s going on ….

You need to look up the definition of abuse. Then self reflect on calling someone 'gullible' when at their lowest point. 😔

You're making excuses for him here in my view. Lots of people don't have the life they want. They don't carry on like him.

Her age has nothing to do with this in my view. She's 43 - yes? Women can and should feel sexy at any age without having to resort to jumping into bed with a younger man.

They are cheats. It doesn't matter what her reason is or his reason is. You have every right to tell her husband - and remove yourself from this awful situation

They've been living in a childish fantasy world that's now crashing down. I doubt their 'love' will survive the new, messy, difficult reality.

I believe her husband has a right to know. It's been going on so long. They can dress it up with all the fairytales they want, but in the cold light of day it's a pathetic cry-baby and a daft bint who's old enough to know better, shagging and tee-heeing about how clever and special they are. She's taken her husband for a fool, as your husband has taken you for a fool.

I take it the whiny-assed lil bitch is still alive, by the way? So he wasn't that hellbent on offing himself? What a surprise. Manipulative little twat.

BTW one of the best things I've heard on Mumsnet applies here: he wasn't sorry when you didn't know.

Their relationship isn’t your problem. I would go home and get legal advice.

I would definitely tell her DH at some point.

You seem quite fixated on her age. Has she been saying it’s her ‘last chance to feel sexy’ or is that your interpretation?

While this must be awful and a total shock better you find out what he’s like now rather than when you have kids. Imagine being tied to that arsehole for 18 years. Divorce him and move on. All the stuff about not pulling his weight at home, refusing medical checks so letting you carry the responsibility for getting pregnant. Fuck that. You’ve dodged a bullet. Get rid of the dead weight. You deserve better.

I'm not sure why any of that matters. He cheated over a sustained period of time. Wasn't all in for the IVF and is emotionally pathetic.
Surely its about what YOU need ..analysing them is pointless

Don’t disagree. Too much of an empath and over analyse everything to try to understand it.

I disagree. Analysing them, when it's so fresh, is completely understandable and a necessary step to get you to where you want to be @Gobsmacked39

Have you reached a decision on what to do for the immediate future ?

@Gobsmacked39
Just wanted to send a hug over MN. What a shit he's been. x

I would contact her again by text to say he is having suicidal thoughts and perhaps she needs to come to help him through it, that takes that monkey off your shoulder and puts it firmly on hers.
I would also tell her why he is having these thoughts - he is 'suicidal' at the thought of losing you. It would be interesting to see where exactly she thinks that leaves her.
You will have plenty of time in the future to ruminate over all the why's and wherefore's, OP, for now you need to put yourself first and foremost and, sadly, because any betrayal is sad and this is worse than many, get yourself home as soon as possible and get on with the rest of your life without the him you now know him to be. You will only miss the him you thought he was, not the weak and pathetic shit he turned out to be.
Have a good life, from your posts it is obvious you are a moral and strong person, you deserve the very best and everyone here is totally behind you.
Do let us know if you decide to fly home early and the time of your flight, even 14 hours away I reckon you will be able to hear the cheers from us all as the plane lifts off.

Sorry OP, that’s a wretched situation.

One thing I did notice was you seem to have a pattern of analysing him and his motivations, finding drives and reasons for why he does things. But even if you had a complete understanding of every excuse he trots out, it still wouldn’t change what he has chosen to do.

I knew that's all she wanted. Basically to try and make herself feel better and pressure you into not telling. Selfish woman.

But she is not important in all of this. Fuck her.

For now - just minute by minute for you. Whatever feels most tolerable to YOU and nobody else.

I have heard some pathetic excuses for having extra marital affairs in my time but your description of the reason in your last post OP is just BS. Please don't buy it....why are you not on a plane coming home with your dignity intact?

Well, it doesn’t really matter what he thinks, others think, or what she thinks. Just do what you want to do, whatever it is, and blank out the rest of the noise. 👍

Your update was all about them. Which I do understand that is of interest - the whys/hows/whos etc

But you have to re-focus and concentrate on YOU. They won't - they will be LOVING the attention you are giving them if they are narcissists. So please, stop feeding the beasts.

You are the priority, your needs, your wants now. Keep your views and plans to yourself (and us 😃) but TELL THEM NOTHING

She's not going to fly to be with him and leave her husband and kids at home

She's only analysing what she's been told by a pair of liars

Fuck that fir a game of soldiers, they’re not even sorry.
Lord I would shoot her down in flames. She is worried about her children , oh really ? She wasn’t worried when she was shagging your pathetic limpet if a H.
message her H asap.

She has messaged and spoken to the other woman

No she's not. She is analysing her dick of a husband who she must know reasonably well. Obviously didn't see this coming but people often have the ability to surprise us.
Re the OW, she's analysing her motives. OP is smart enough to not take what she says on face value.

I think it would be wonderful if we could all say, well that's that then, I must now concentrate on me and not give them a second thought. But this approach is not possible for some people especially in the early stages.

No of course it's not. But what is the point of sitting analysing why two people had an affair - when you are still on holiday with one of them and he's acting like a two year old

The husband also deserves to know in my view. He's been sleeping with his wife while she's been sleeping with someone else

Of course the OW won't leave her kids and fly out but the message would do two things:
Firstly, take the responsibility for him off the OP's shoulders, she doesn't need to feel she should take care of him, be interesting to see if the OW feels any responsibility for him.
Secondly, she (the OW) won't be thrilled to hear the reason he is feeling 'suicidal' is because he doesn't want his wife to leave him. Shows her his loyalty when the chips are down is to his wife and not her.

I'm not sure it does. It just shows that he's an emotional blackmailer who will use suicide to try and keep someone when they've messed up. If the OP hadn't read these messages this affair wouldn't have ended - if it does end