Just found out my husband of 3 years has been cheating for the past 18 months

[Gobsmacked39]

Long story short. On holiday with hubby; this is our first day of a two week holiday. It didn’t start great as his luggage was lost at the airport, so a bit cranky because of it. Trying to help him trace his luggage whilst he was in the pool only to find hundreds of messages, videos, suggestive pics of my hubby and one of his older former colleagues. This has apparently been going on for the past 18 months, whilst we’ve been married for 3 years and going through IVF in the past year. I’m absolutely devastated. I’m struggling to process what’s going on; feeling quite emotionally detached from it all - maybe it’s the shock. Things have not been perfect with IVF and miscarriages but this started way before that …. The messages broke me with I LOVE YOU being said on a daily basis. I’m reading through them and I don’t recognize my marriage; I feel like we’ve been living 2 different realities. He says he loves me but then allegedly he’s infatuated with her… but doesn’t want to break up. I can’t even process what’s going on ….

Oh please stop entertaining his bullshit. It’s classic manipulation the “I’m going to kill myself” when they have been found out. If he does that’s on him and there won’t be anything you can do because otherwise every time you dislike something or disagree he will say it.

The man you thought he was, the marriage you thought you had has disintegrated by you finding out about his deceit and his reaction is to make it all about him?!!! He wants you to tuck him into bed because he’s utter scum and worry about his panic attacks and that he might feel suicidal is total manipulation because he thinks the world revolves around him. Everyone else’s feelings don’t matter because everything is all about him.
He will always be dissatisfied with his life because he believes the world owes him more riches and to have his pick of women. He is a wannabe and will trample over everyone to reach his goals.
You are the one who’s been betrayed, you need to prioritise your needs whilst ignoring his pathetic victim theatrics. You are feeling numb because you are in shock and so very hurt and he’s just pissed he has been found out.

When he nexts starts playing the victim and talking about suicide I’d tell him that would be a simpler end to your marriage for you. No fucks given!

This... xx

It's nearly 24 hours since you last posted on here which is totally your call . But want to wish you well in whatever & wherever you are .
Hope you've made the right decision for you and are moving forward in making that happen whatever it is . Look after yourself .

Im so so sorry what a disgusting little man. Tell her husband. Take your passport book a flight home don't tell him you are leaving just go in fact take his passport too let him sort a new one, go home change the locks n drop his stuff at the OW house.Let him have a panic attack on his own who cares he deserves nothing from you at all.

I would enjoy the holiday and not say anything. But get photo evidence on your phone because it will help with the divorce.
A bit of distance emotionally will give you a good chance to mentally say your goodbyes and observe his behaviour.
Are you safe with him? Really think it over and curtail your activities ie where you go etc.
Stay in neutral mode as much as possible and when you get back contact a solicitor to get the paperwork sorted.
My feeling is that he will deny it and then try to justify it.
He will be like a cornered rat if you tell him immediately and he may lash out at you. Anything could happen and he could stage it as a holiday accident.
My advice is different to most I know.
But safety first.

If the property is jointly owned it's very foolish to change the locks. He would be perfectly within his legal rights to break in. It might feel good, but does not help the situation.

So I’d go straight to reception and request a separate room, take all your stuff and enjoy the rest of your holiday. It’s a disaster it’s happened where you are but, it also gives you time to plan before getting home. Take his keys when you leave the room. Inform him on the last day as you are leaving that you don’t expect him to arrive at the house as he is not welcome and you will allow him to tell you what he needs so you can get it together.
if he says anything just say “regardless of what you want, I need time out” this buys you time. Keep repeating it until you are blue in the face even while you are away.
once home process and decide! Don’t let him talk you around while you are away.

Im saying a small prayer that @Gobsmacked39 is on a plane / far away from her horrible liar of an Ex

I very much doubt it. She tucked him into bed.

Just go. His threatening to kill himself is pure manipulation. You can say, "I hope you don't kill yourself, but if that's what you decide to do, know that it's your decision and I won't feel any guilt or blame over it." He is trying to draw you in with the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt - so the best thing to do is to be clear that whatever he decides to do, as an adult, is his choice and the same for you.

So he's been at it for half your marriage? Bloody hell! Get him gone.

Dewdust why are you telling the OP not to say anything when she's already confronted him about it? Didn't you bother to read her posts?

He’s a drip.

I know you weren't talking about a one night stand, but from the use of one off and mistake I still presumed you had dealt with a much shorter period of infidelity. I'm sorry if this is difficult to read but I wouldn't apply those terms to a longer affair.
I do know of a couple who came through something, without giving too many details it was a much lesser crime than op's husband and did show me people can sometimes move past things. 18 months of a 3 year marriage I feel you'd have to be a saint to forgive though.

You're in shock, OP that's what the emotional detachment is. You're too shocked to feel anything, but you will. There's no need to rush through every emotion that you might end up feeling. Perhaps use this shock to your advantage; calmly pack your luggage, book a flight home, get a support network together so they can meet you off the plane, somewhere you can stay, or have them help you change the locks and kick them up. Whatever comes after, deal with it then. One step at a time. You're only a human being and you've just been dealt a massive, unprecedented blow.

I would not go home but i would definitely chuck him out of the room - let him go home if he wants let him pay for a new room

use this space to think and breathe in sunshine

How are you @Gobsmacked39 ?

While he's feeling guilty, take him for what you can.

I woke up today (different time zone) Op thinking about you. Not sure if you are still engaged with this thread. Hope you are safe and coping.
I was thinking about the ow (having previously posted your husband is a liar and the marriage is irredeemable) and IMO she is very careless and reckless. Married with children having a protracted affair with a junior co worker and as she wants to speak with you (of course she wants her say) and she reveals she is careless with contraception and had a termination in November. That’s quite a lifestyle there. She’s also quite the liar and manipulator.

keep her at a distance as
she doesn’t have anyone’s best intentions at the front but hers .

Once you are sure he won't 'kill himself' as he claims........ Go home

OP is not responsible for making sure he doesn't kill himself. Narcissists often use the threat of suicide to manipulate, but almost never see it through. If he thinks OP has taken responsibility for making sure he won't "kill himself" he will continue to pretend he is going to do it.

He dug this hole for himself and in the unlikely event he can't live with it and sees killing himself as the only way out, that's his decision to make. OP is not responsible for making sure he doesn't do it to her own detriment.

Do what's best for you OP and fuck him. Let his girlfriend go and rescue him if she wants to.

Still here. Slept most of the day and night yesterday. The chat with her was futile. No answers; felt more like damage control and trying to suss if I had any intention of telling anyone. For someone who’s highly educated she was barely finding her words; trying very carefully to find the right words to reassure me and appease him whilst dropping the ‘I don’t want to lose my kids’ line. Realising they are both quite narcissistic and opportunistically so not surprised they matched I guess. Though I don’t much much of the bullshit I’m hearing. He’s infatuated with the idea of a life he can’t/won’t have and somehow feels cheated on by life that he didn’t get to have that life and lives it vicariously through her and her stories. She’s at her last shot of feeling sexy whilst finding a guy who won’t tell anyone and latches into him for as long as she can as finding someone else who would not insist on her breaking up with her husband would be hard I guess. They both play up to each other about having feeling, etc to get what the want from this affair. Pretty sad really. Whilst all the way they are just tying lives but hey.., at least they get what the want

Leave them both to it @Gobsmacked39 Make your own life without this weak man and stupid OW.

@Gobsmacked39

I admire your strength so much.

You seem to have a really good read on the pair of them and that will help you avoid being gaslit etc.

While you have unpicked them quite thoroughly, have you had a chance to think about what you would like to do, and what next steps you would like to take for yourself?

Are you staying at the holiday location or made plans to go home?

Have you told any of your friends and family for support.

Apologies if I have missed a post where you have answered this already.