Just found out my husband of 3 years has been cheating for the past 18 months

[Gobsmacked39]

Long story short. On holiday with hubby; this is our first day of a two week holiday. It didn’t start great as his luggage was lost at the airport, so a bit cranky because of it. Trying to help him trace his luggage whilst he was in the pool only to find hundreds of messages, videos, suggestive pics of my hubby and one of his older former colleagues. This has apparently been going on for the past 18 months, whilst we’ve been married for 3 years and going through IVF in the past year. I’m absolutely devastated. I’m struggling to process what’s going on; feeling quite emotionally detached from it all - maybe it’s the shock. Things have not been perfect with IVF and miscarriages but this started way before that …. The messages broke me with I LOVE YOU being said on a daily basis. I’m reading through them and I don’t recognize my marriage; I feel like we’ve been living 2 different realities. He says he loves me but then allegedly he’s infatuated with her… but doesn’t want to break up. I can’t even process what’s going on ….

As a fellow empath who attracts narcissists, I understand where you're at with the analysis OP - I'm just worried you're still going to end up being manipulated into sticking with the sad boychild you're married, despite everything he's done to you.

That's my fear. I think the "tucking in", analysing 'why he did it' (the simple answer, that he fancied shagging around, not being good enough) and the fact she's still sharing a hotel room (and bed?) with him is pointing that way.

Valid points.

Absolutely agree here. You can ponder the whys and wherefores of their shitty antics till the cows come home, changes nothing.

Especially not the actions of your cheating scumbag husband and whatever she is - doesn't matter, she's not your concern, don't waste energy in that direction, other than to drop that little grenade in the direction of her husband with no prior warning and leave that to play out.

Him? Kick him out asap.

Exactly, people need to stop having a go at OP for processing this in her own time, jeez.

I'm not having a go. I'm expressing an opinion.

Absolutely don't blame you OP for making that call. In your shoes - I'd tell her husband. I don't see that as a responsibility of yours to do - just that I personally would do it for his sake. I hope things improve for you.

I think that is an excellent idea.
Also tell family the same and that the affair partner has been informed.
I would let mutual friends know too, as well as any colleagues.
You have self awareness OP.
Don't allow your self analysis of being an "empath" to shoot yourself in the foot.
Put it aside and choose to focus on protecting yourself.
His betrayal is awful and you are dodging a truly awful future with a narc.
He would make a shockingly bad father.
Narcissistic fathers are so awful and ruin childhoods.
They never actually want children and don't their poor children know it.

Wow! Your ego can be seen from outerspace 😄

They both sound pathetic, and neither of them will ever be truly happy - he will never achieve the status he craves and she will never feel good about herself without external validation from a man. So take your time to grieve the relationship you thought you had OP, then go and do what neither of them can, be happy with yourself and your life, and don't give either of them a second thought!

I said her Husband

Spot on 👏

Take your time. You don’t have to make any decisions today and you can also change your mind. Don’t be bullied into deciding anything until you have support around you x

I am too, so I'm a total hypocrite.🤦‍♀️ Older and wiser; I just KNOW this isn't good enough for you ...you deserve so much better and they are irrelevant 🌸🌷☀️🌷🌸🌷☀️🌷🌸🌷☀️☀️🌸☀️🌷🌸🌷☀️☀️☀️🌸🌸🌸

It's normal to go over and over it, it will never make sense.

What it reveals is important...he is NO GOOD...time to focus on you. Every step away from him is a step toward happiness ...even while it hurts like hell and feels like you are plugged into an electric socket.

You can stand free of his utter corruption and do better...alone or with someone better. I promise ☀️🌅☀️

Btw OP I'm not married so maybe I don't have the understanding some people have but an ex of mine cheated on me for three months and helpfully told me when we were on holiday in Prague. He didn't care. At all. He also took someone on a date one night and told me afterwards his priority was her not me.

I didn't dump him straight away but I just couldn't get over it - I specifically couldn't get over that he was sleeping with us both at the same time - and lying to us both

The last straw was him sending a Valentine to a workmate - and asking her out

I think every normal person is an empath (it just means having empathy for others) so please don't dwell on this label too much. Pity him by all means but focus your empathy on yourself!!

Think about how you would advise your best friend in this situation - you would advise her to be strong and brave and to leave this loser today. Move to a new accommodation and don't look back. As pp have advised, ask the OW and his family to come and pick up the pieces. Have empathy for yourself, you can do it x

You need to get checked for STIs I would suggest.
How can you ever trust him again?
Get your finances in order sooner rather than later.
You can not go back to where you were trust is gone and very difficult to get back.
Let him go to her they are made for each other.
He now has his cake and he can eat it.
Hope it is as tasty as he thought.

I don't see what the OW's age has got to do with anything....it's irrelevant......but I'm sorry you you're going through this....it must be a horrendous shock x

Because the OP is trying to justify the affair from her husband's point of view because the other woman is older and wanted to be "sexy" and have one last sexy fling with a younger man

As in - the older woman is washed up and needed to have a fling with a younger man. Which is ridiculous in my view. If he's shagging a 43 year old he could be shagging a 23 year old. Her age has nothing to do with this.

And he's apparently envious of the life that the other woman has - no. He's just a rotten cheat

OP how are you doing?

There are times when affairs are abuse usually when women have children or are ill. They do use affairs as ‘pay back’ for things they have no control over. Wonder why no research ever been done on this subject.

@Gobsmacked39 Im so sorry. He is an AH.

When you're over the shock, you'll realise losing luggage was a blessing in disguise - no kids, no prob getting shut of the AH.

Big hugs x

hello @gobsmacked39 just checking in on how your doing, have you cut holes in his clothes yet. joking aside i was concerned about how you are doing, catching up and reading your further other posts and being a empath myself, psychically intuitive. I feel you have felt very alone for a long while going through the ivf and that you've chalked his distant behavior down to the stress of the infertility issues rather than it being down to an affair. I have asked my pendulum and rest easy, you will tell the husband of the woman, as he is also a innocent party and deserves to know. you are going to leave your husband, you are going to met someonelse and have a little boy. the fertility issues are your husbands.

This⬆️

So, he’s made himself the victim?