Does this sound fair re: stepdaughters?

[StephEP]

SDs are 13 and 12. They live with their mum the majority of the time, only with us EOWE now through their preference, and DH pays maintenance accordingly. DH and their mum aren’t on great terms.

In the past, clothes have ‘belonged to the house’ so clothes get washed and returned. Very frequently, ‘our’ clothes go AWOL and return stained, ripped or months later, too small. I would say we buy nicer clothes for SDs but they’re perfectly adequately dressed by their mum too.

Having found last weekend that - yet again - they have “no clothes” here, I would like to suggest to them and DH that the clothes can travel freely with SDs, and we’ll take them on a couple of big shopping trips a year, and buy things like coats (we do this anyway) but they need to be responsible and bring a bag of clothes with them each time. I’d suggest we maintain a supply of pants and pyjamas and the very basics.

How could clothes belong to a house? That's mad. What do they travel in at the start and end of a weekend?

Whatever they arrive in on a Friday is washed and returned with them on Sunday.

Whatever they leave wearing on a Sunday is returned… But often months later and heavily worn in the interim.

It means we keep buying stuff which we don’t see again.

I think your suggestion is long over due. I'd hate to think that my own clothes weren't actually mine, but were like a sort of uniform on loan for the house I was in. Sensible to keep spare basics as well until they get used to the responsibility of packing.

My DD used to do EOW at her dads. As she got older and more selective with her clothes it worked best that she would have pjs at her dads only and the rest of the clothes were from her main home with me. She would then pack what she wanted and everything, including washing, came home with her.
it made her feel more in control of what she wanted to wear and stopped the issues of what belongs where.

This sounds silly. You should have enough clothes and not be reliant on the ‘house’ clothes being returned. They come in one outfit, they wear what they wear over the weekend then go back in whatever they are wearing that day. Of course a supply of pjs, socks knickers etc should be at dads house. I had two stepsons and the only thing was getting the uniform washed and dried in time for Monday morning. They didn’t bring a bag of clothes, they were enough clothes here.

They aren’t your clothes though, are they? They are given to step daughters to wear! This sounds odd to me. It almost sounds like you think you own the clothes and dc are wearing them and ruining them. Now they are older, why don’t they just pack a bag for the weekend? Then you might keep a few spares at your house (rain jacket, underwear and boots maybe?) for activities they hadn’t expected or unexpected weather. It’s only a few days! I think their clothes are their clothes and you give without reservation.

I don't see why they can't go home in the outfits they arrived in.

But either way, they're both old enough to pack themselves a little bag with what they want to wear that weekend, and take it back home with them.

This sounds the best idea. My step siblings who lived with us on weekends kept all their clothes at their main home and brought bags every weekend it worked well.

My brother has a similar situation with his ex. She always dresses their daughter in old/small/inappropriate clothes. They do the clothes belongs to that house type rule, so as soon as my niece is with her mum she changes and then puts on the outfit she wore when she is returned.
It's rubbish but like yourself, my brother was buying clothes all the time which would go to mums never to be seen again (plus niece also said that her mum's boyfriends girls were wearing it!).

The reason it was implemented in the first place is that their mum would only send them to us in clothes which were fit for the bin, and keep the nice, new clothes we’d bought.

But now, SDs are old enough to put an outfit together and I think they’re sensible enough to bring what they need.

They would be thrilled with this as I know they want to wear their ‘nice’ clothes when seeing their mates. I suspect their mum will say it’s cruel to make them bring a bag of clothes each time. Hence posting for opinions.

Most girls their age are becoming self conscious of how they look. I’m surprised at their ages that their clothes are getting so stained and torn. I wonder what’s really going on?

I’m sorry but I cannot imagine what it must be like to be children and have to deal with this nonsense.
I have an ex, and my girls have two houses and I have absolutely no idea who bought which clothes and where each item of clothing is of our children.

They do have enough clothes here, but the best outfits, expensive items and what they actually want to wear ends up being ‘accidentally’ left behind. For months. Which means we can spend hundreds on new clothes, only for them to be complaining about having nothing they like to wear after a few weeks.

We had major issues when my SS was younger with this. He would arrive to us midweek in school uniform and gone back to his mums house on a Sunday wearing normal clothes. We would wash, dry, iron and return the uniform but the clothes we bought were never returned and every few weeks we'd get a big bag of cut up, stained non wearable clothes back.

Eventually it unfortunately had to be written into the C/O that mum had to send clothes in his backpack. Not ideal but we were able to show the courts that we were spending money every month on an entire wardrobe for him whilst DH was also paying maintenence.

We then moved to a to school from school schedule and whilst we definitely lost out on a few outfits during non term time, we just made sure anything super expensive didn't go over there.

We've actually just spent 2 weeks trying to get clothing back (we can count 6 outfits all costing approx £100 each that she has while we sit with a half empty wardrobe). So far she's sent back one jumper. We have reminded my now 14yo SS to bring stuff back and again he looks at us stupid. We have no issues with clothes going over and back from each house but we are struggling when we buy something brand now and then he arrives in uniform and goes back to her (e.g. bank holidays or non school days) in said brand new clothes and when she does eventually send it back it's been cut with scissors 🙄

We sat SS down last week and explained that if he doesn't bring clothes back, he will have to wear his school uniform back to her house during the Easter Holidays. And unfortunately we will need to stick to it.

Let them keep all their clothes at their mum's house and bring with them whatever they want on the weekends they are with you. Houses don't need clothes, people need them and they want their favourite clothes to be accessible.

They can’t be sent home in what they arrive in, as it’s usually school uniform.

I mean - how would such a conversation even go?!?
a 13 yo surely dresses themselves. I’m sure they don’t choose clothes that are only fit for a bin. Neither would a mum pack a bag for them at that age.
so by what you are saying - the teenager comes out in whatever she wants to wear and the mum sends them back to put on shit too small clothes?!? I just can’t even imagine that that would ever happen.

My kids packed a bag each time. It’s unreasonable to expect teens to remember which item can be worn at each house plus it’s up to them to remember their favourite items like hoodies. My ex never bought clothes for his house but gave me extra every 4-6 months so the kids could choose clothes that they like. He hates shopping and teens have specific tastes so it worked best for everyone.

I can’t comment on the heavily worn angle because it’s unclear if they are rough with clothes or not laundering things properly but stipulating that they can buy new clothes every 4 months or whatever is a good idea.

They should pack a bag themselves every time they come over. Just keep pyjamas, homewear and underwear at yours. Problem solved.

But surely that's a good thing from the girls' point of view?

The nice clothes get worn loads, rather than every other weekend. They will outgrow them within a year anyway, so isn't it better the girls get the most wear out of the stuff they love most?

Cut up! That sounds awful.

It isn’t that bad for us, but I think it’s just a case of their mum washing everything together in a quick wash so there’s often grass stains / mud / make up baked in. And I think as ‘our’ clothes are often the newest, they get worn on very heavy rotation.

I’d rather the girls had access to their beloved items than them sit in a wardrobe most of the time, but was concerned that from their mum’s perspective, this method would be considered undesirable somehow.

That's all fine until the OPs house has no clothes at all (because they arrive in uniform and go back in normal clothing which isnt sent back until it needs replacing).

I think that's why the OP is suggesting that the OP & kids Dad will agree to fund £XX of clothes every few months and the girls.can use at whichever house they want... but for fairness they need to pack a bag so that they always at least have something to wear.

Yes, I’m sure it is a good thing from their perspective! Less so from ours when we have to completely restock their wardrobes every couple of months. We’re not a clothes shop.

I don’t understand why they don’t just have clothes at your house that they wear and go back to their mums in whatever their mum sent them.

Because it’s generally uniform. And if not, it’s an outfit from our house that they’ve worn back previously. They very rarely arrive in anything their mum has bought, and when they do, it’s generally in bad condition (stained, wrong size, second hand and very worn).