Im not excited with announcement of the first grandchild

[FirstNight]

23years ago I found mumsnet and became the network I shared and found strength and support as I raised my 3 children and make 100s of Mars lemon drizzle cake 😁

Really didn't think I'd be back here so soon seeking advice.

2026 the final child is 18. The mortgage will be paid in 2mths and the silver wedding anniversary will be upon us in the autumn.

Middle child ..21 in Sept. Moved out 2 yrs ago with the boyfriend. Back in December they noted the tenancy on flat was up and won't be renewed (house being sold). In January they asked if could bunk down with us for 6mths so they could save some extra £ before moving to a new place. Yes of course we say...for a rent payment that covers utilities and food and evidence of saving.

Now today...we have an excited couple informing us they are pregnant. But no other plans than still to move in with us. Dd job is likely not to pay more than maternity allowance , the only saving grace is that career chosen is term time so in 6 yrs will work well for them. Boyfriend has just moved from salaried to self employed...so not a positive for applying for new tenancies.

I was looking forward to enjoying freedom without a small child hanging about and time to reconnect to hubby. Seems we may end up as additional hands, broken nights sleep and a kitchen and lounge full of baby related paraphernalia.

I want to be excited but all I'm thinking and remembering is those first few years with our eldest and the struggles and challenges that come with this.

@Netcurtainnelly If my 14 year old daughter got pregnant she would be having an abortion.

Allowing a child that young to go through with a pregnancy would be cruel to them and the child.

What's done is done, still doesn't change the fact that the poster is saying she'd rather force a young family apart, her own daughter and her granddaughter at that. But hey, they've got to be taught a lesson right?

Sorry I do not agree. Are you really saying that as your parents get older you have no obligations to them if they have been good, nurtured you and loved you? I think that is bollocks. many of us have done so and are doing so. Even if you cannot provide the actual care directly, you will still be picking nursing homes and care packages. The idea that a parent has to do everything for the child but the child then does nothing is a bit prime mumsnet.

and what's done is done doesn't mean that everything gets to go their own way and they can have things exactly how they want. It's entitled to expect otherwise.

We only have the OP’s word for this. There’s every chance her DD is absolutely freaking out and just putting a brave face on things. In fact there’s a not insignificant chance that faced with the prospect of impending motherhood she has in fact come to Mumsnet looking for support in what is quite possibly the most vulnerable time of her life. And what will she find when she gets here? An easily identifiable thread made by her DM in which countless posters proffer up termination and self imposed homelessness as solutions to deal with her wayward daughter. And won’t that just help their relationship no end.

And as for the posters euphemistically suggesting termination because it’s ‘bad timing’. Yes, it is bad timing in an economic sense, but what a lot of women my age have discovered is that if you wait until the time is right there may be no baby at all. We were all told ‘Do not have a baby until you can afford it!!’ and now everyone I know is having to do IVF. Some unsuccessfully. The OP probably thinks with a few children under her belt she’s guaranteed enough grandchildren to be picky about the timing of this one, but that’s hubris especially in this day and age. If she’s actually being offered the chance to become a grandmother now she should take it.

If the mum doesn't want to go through it all again that's her choice. It doesn't make her cruel or callous or unloving. Living with a young couple and brand new baby is not for the faint hearted. She's allowed a voice and not to be guilt tripped.

Better to have no child at all than to have a child you cannot house or provide basic necessities for, that is born into poverty only because of selfish adult decisions.

Children shouldn't exist to fulfill adult's wishes. They should only exist if the adults making them actually have something to offer them, other than poverty and misery which soon turns into resentment against the child.

We only have the OP's word for anything that gets put on here so we can only go by what they say. I find it hard to believe that someone who is freaking out would plaster on a big smiley face especially knowing it would likely not go down well with her mum and not have a conversation about how freaked out they are, what are they going to do etc.

She can become a Grandmother. That doesn't have to include housing her Grandchild. That's a parents responsibility, not a Grandmothers responsibility.

And just for the record we're not all desperate to be grandmothers.

I resent the idea that it's every older woman's dream to spend time providing childcare and support for young children.

This too.

Totally. As i said earlier, i had unprotected sex with my dh from age 22 to 32 and didnt get pregnant. When i finally did, while we had savings and a mortgage on a 2 bed flat in north london, it was a terrible time work wise. Who knows what if it is a terrible recession when Op's daughter is in her early 30s. She might be in a rental and her mum might have downsized and miles away from her. That is actually v likely given the fact uk has been low growth since 2008. For me the savings of 30k and mortgage absolutely made a difference but that is because we were fortunate to land a 2% mortgage and a 1k mortgage for 5 years meant we could save and pay off dh's student loan and the pandemic meant we were also able to save. Its not like OP's daughter is going to have that. The war, very high inflation, higher mortgage interest rates are going to make her life very hard in the next 10 years. She will likely never be in an ideal position for kids.

That's a bit of mad fortune telling @Primrose86

I think you're extrapolating from your personal situation into suggesting that any young woman needs to be having a baby as early as possible just in case they struggle later in life.

Would you then extend that reasoning to people living in poor countries? 44% of the world's population live in at least moderate poverty, not entitled to breed no? Sounds like negative eugenics to me.

By the sounds if it this particular couple don't seem to be bringing a child into poverty and misery, the father is starting his own business which I hope goes well and the mother seems to be building a career for herself too. This seems more like a temporary wobble re accommodation that's all.

Poverty is relative to the place you live in.

But the point stands that if you cannot house or feed your children then you should be using contraception if at all possible and managing your fertility.

The film 'Capernaum' makes this point very well - it is about a child suing their parents who had them without thought or consideration to their basic necessities in life and allowed them to suffer because of their selfishness.

It may be fiction, but it is seen all across the world and certainly visible in this country.

I'm not a fan of children suffering due to selfish adults who have free contraception available but can't be bothered to use it properly.

Having a termination that you arent 100% sure about is more likely to lead to regret.

If you have had 10 years of negative pregnancy tests, you would view this very differently.

Better adult regret than children's suffering.

If my parent reacted that way to me being pregnant in a loving relationship at 21 (presumably a surprise pregnancy to me as well) I would be devastated and the relationship would most likely never recover. That's unforgivable in my book.

"This couple are not decent parents"

Are you suggesting that only people who plan babies and who are financially well off can be 'decent parents' ? What a nonsense.

For many young parents having a baby is the absolute making of them. My sister had hers at 17 and lived with my mum who at the time was understandably gutted given her age and that her relationship had broken down. My sister went on to put herself through multiple degrees, has an excellent job and has raised all of her children so well. My neice has a special bond with her granny because they lived together even though my sister did all the labour of parenting while finishing school. She's an excellent parent. My mum is not remotely hands on and took the whole thing very badly so it literally was a roof over their heads for the first year.

Ops dd is in a different situation, in a relationship, an adult, in employment, with plans for the future. To say she and her partner can't be decent parents is really unfair.

Op I understand why you're upset and why this feels very different to what you'd envisioned when you agreed to them moving in. And it's hard because you agreed without really knowing what you were agreeing to (even though they also may not have known at that point). I also think that boundaries will be the way forward. State in advance what you're prepared to do and then you will need to lean into that. What you don't want in particular is to create a scenario where mum and you become the defaults while dad is never pushed to build his confidence and then leaves it to her when they do eventually move out. I think if they can save as hard as possible while living with you with the view to moving out before baby arrives is probably the best option. When is she due?

I understand you might not be in a position to help them with a deposit but would you be able to cope without their input on utilities and hold that money for them and give it to them when they move out as a way to help get them out? Perhaps easier than a lump sum now but obviously that really depends on your circumstances.

Ah so it ok for all those other babiesto be born into relative poverty but a British baby doesn't deserve to be born unless the parents own their own home? Ok got it.
Besides the fact that this couple already had somewhere else lined up to live when their tenancy ended, grandma just doesn't want the baby in tow, she had already agreed to the couple.
Tenancies can and do end quite abruptly in a lot of cases, I can't imagine anyone deciding to kill the baby that they seem excited about over such a hopefully temporary blip, does human life really have such little value these days? So easily disposable?

Also it isnt mad fortune telling. Are uk median incomes likely to increase? No.
Is there war in the middle east disrupting oil supplies pushing up inflation and which looks likely to be a protracted vietnam style conflict and where oil facilities have been damaged and will take years to repair? Yes.
Is this young couple on a high earning career path? No. Is there bank of mum and dad? No

All of this points to a lower than average likelihood of home ownership, higher than average spending on rent that will mean lower than average disposable income, squeezed finances for the foreseeable future..

I am 33 and even i only had the means for 1 child as my husband works in finance and is a 4th generation londoner (rent free living for uni and while in first job) as well as 2% mortgage rates. We saved 60k in 3 years even with employment gaps. All my other friends had bank of mum and dad. Husband had a vasectomy even though we struggled with fertility because we both know that there is no way we can afford a second child in the next 10 years in this economy.

This couple has a very high chance of never being in a good position to have a child in fact fhey are in a better position now than they would ever be..in 10 years time, grandma is likely to be far more resistant to 32 year olds moving in, rent would be more expensive and who knows what would happen to public services with a reform government.

Which is fine because circumstances have changed, especially if they knew about the pregnancy and didn't bother to tell her until she had already agreed to them living with her.

No contraception is 100% foolproof though. Not everyone (myself included) is able to tolerate hormonal birth control. My sister was well within her dates with a contraceptive implant when she fell pregnant. Shit happens even when people use contraception properly. And where exactly does it say that ops dgc will suffer? If they have two loving, safe and motivated parents then there is no reason to suggest they will suffer or live in poverty. Technically they could house their child, but they are choosing to live with op in order to save to secure better, longer term housing nearer to their support network which is financially sensible.

You seem to have a very black and white view of things but the reality is there is no one straight path to success here. Life is not that clear cut.

You cannot force a 14 year old to terminate legally, and it’s pretty questionable ethically too

The living arrangements were made back in December so could well have been before pregnancy, or before pregnancy was known.

Either way, it does change things because the agreement didn't include a baby.

Some posters here are suggesting termination, so in that case no, she wouldn’t become a grandmother and would very much be relying on future ‘better timed’ grandchildren.

In terms of providing housing, my own grandmother wasn’t as supportive as she could have been to my mother when I was little and my mother needed help. It coloured my relationship with her for the entirety of her life and not in a good way. If that’s path OP wants to take then it’s her choice but it comes with a cost.