Im not excited with announcement of the first grandchild

[FirstNight]

23years ago I found mumsnet and became the network I shared and found strength and support as I raised my 3 children and make 100s of Mars lemon drizzle cake 😁

Really didn't think I'd be back here so soon seeking advice.

2026 the final child is 18. The mortgage will be paid in 2mths and the silver wedding anniversary will be upon us in the autumn.

Middle child ..21 in Sept. Moved out 2 yrs ago with the boyfriend. Back in December they noted the tenancy on flat was up and won't be renewed (house being sold). In January they asked if could bunk down with us for 6mths so they could save some extra £ before moving to a new place. Yes of course we say...for a rent payment that covers utilities and food and evidence of saving.

Now today...we have an excited couple informing us they are pregnant. But no other plans than still to move in with us. Dd job is likely not to pay more than maternity allowance , the only saving grace is that career chosen is term time so in 6 yrs will work well for them. Boyfriend has just moved from salaried to self employed...so not a positive for applying for new tenancies.

I was looking forward to enjoying freedom without a small child hanging about and time to reconnect to hubby. Seems we may end up as additional hands, broken nights sleep and a kitchen and lounge full of baby related paraphernalia.

I want to be excited but all I'm thinking and remembering is those first few years with our eldest and the struggles and challenges that come with this.

OP doesn’t. She said so in her first post.

You could say all the exact same about the mother 🙄
Like I said, they need to be taught a lesson right? For daring to conceive before owning their own house and not being at least 35 with the business well established and private pensions in place.
People can and do do well on less than all that. Since when did the criteria for reproduction only extend to the privileged few?
And are you advocating abortion like so many others on this tread for an much wanted child or just the lesson of forcing the young family because in your opinion they don't deserve to be parents together for not meeting your list of rules?
Talk about trying to damage a young family, is that what you would do to your own kids?

Nobody needs to be 'taught a lesson' but I don't want my kids' partners living in my house. That's my bottom line and I am entitled to draw it. Yes, that is what I will do to my kids. Ask their partners to leave. Why keep asking that in tones of deep shock?

I will take the chance of my kids deeply resenting me and never visiting me. I don't respond well to threats. Not that they have made any! The only threats are by posters here.

Enabling your kids up to make poor, life altering decisions is deeply damaging them. Anyway I already know my DD doesnt want any kids before she establishes herself in her career. She had a scare a few years ago while in uni, and immediately asked me for help. We discussed termination. Luckily it was just a late period.

But the absolute horror on her face- in contrast to the OP's delighted daughter- reassured me she won't be expecting me to house her babies. DS has no interest in having babies he can't raise either.

I don’t know anything about OP’s husband but have found in general mothers bear the brunt of their children’s decisions, however old they are. It’s beside the by but my NDN left her husband a couple of years ago and her mum initially was over pretty much daily for months. Now she still comes over and does her washing and cleaning a couple of times a week. If the DC is having a tantrum, she comes round to help. It isn’t a village, it’s just her mum who is probably mid-late 60s at a guess and might want to live her own life…

I see similar patterns here. The DD is pregnant and expecting to live with OP. You know what will likely happen. Unless they live in a mansion, the baby will be waking the whole house up every other hour so OP will be exhausted and also will inevitably and naturally go to help through the night… I just don’t think it’s fair when OP has raised her own children and was looking forward to having her independence back.

But the grandma in this situation has no problem with both her daughter and her boyfriend staying, it's just the baby she objects to, the baby that her daughter is excited about.
Also, I don't see how their situation could be considered deeply damaging to them.

Yeah, that's the OPs prerogative too. Women who have spent a life parenting are allowed to say no to supplying on the tap childcare.

It's easy to be excited about a baby when you are expecting someone else to provide a basic need such as shelter. It's a reason why I'd be saying that plans have changed as the agreement didn't include me housing a baby.

Absolutely. You see it on here all the time. Can't your mum help? Go stay with your mum. Mums are often the ones helping. A lot of men seem to have a free pass.

I have seen so many posts here where mothers or mothers in law are criticised because they will not help with DC while it appears the fathers do not even exist.

The DD and her boyfriend could have tried that too or abstinence rather than expecting OP to house their new family that they are so excited about.

I think the fact that the couple are excited about this baby unfortunately says it all.
They need a reality check.

My wit is wasted in this place.

It’s irresponsible and selfish to just bull ahead and have a child when you have no housing and no stability. Plenty of people who aren’t “privileged” manage to buy a house or have something to rent long term before conceiving . It’s ridiculous to assume that everyone who plans their family responsibly is “privileged “

I just don’t know how mothers can turn off the caring nurturing part of them to their children even when they are adults and have made a mistake/choice you wouldn’t. Surely you just want to help your children? I would be delighted if this was me in the OPs situation. It’s a baby - not a bomb. I would let them stay for as long as they need, make the spare room into a nursery, and the rent they pay I would save up and give it to them as a lump sum when they are about to get their next place. I’d also be offering to buy prams/cots etc. For those who are thinking well when does the help stop? It should always be there whenever they need it. I’m so grateful this is our way as a family, and how my family is/were growing up. My husbands family are very much ‘you’ve made your bed go lie in it’ and it’s fractured with no real relationships/connections. That attitude is somewhat removed from the emotional attachment of a family. Perhaps that thinking is what you would apply to a stranger but not to your family? I honestly am shocked at what people are saying

You wait till baby is here 😙 it's the best thing ever x

I was saying the privileged people who own their own home, plenty of renters could have their accommodation pulled out from under them at any time, hardly reason to start aborting wanted first babies due to a temporary issue.

There's a switch in my perineum that switches off the caring and nurturing, and a soundtrack in my head that says " Put yourself first for once before it's too late".

I understand why it would be annoying to have a grandbaby unexpectedly foisted upon you - but I agree with you.

Unless I had an already poor relationship with my adult child, I would let them stay with me. Without paying market rent, they can save up a good amount get established.

I wonder how old many of the posters are. I was born in 92, my dh in 1990. We were married abroad and moved back to the uk at 23/26 in 2016, was waiting on a visa for me so moved in with MIL until it was issued. It was an eu visa so was almost a year. Employment gaps (for both of us) meant that by the time i could even look at rentals, we had been there for 2 years and had saved 40k so had 50k in total of savings. 71k combined income
2.5 years once dh passed probation. At that time in 2018 you could buy tiny 2 bed houses in less desirable parts of borehamwood/high wycombe for 300k and 2 bed share of freehold flats in north finchley for 300k. I started looking and as we got gazumped, our savings grew and we talked to brokers, our budget became 400k and we could afford 2 bed flat in a nice part of finchley. The search/buying process took a year. So we only moved out in 2019, i was 26, dh 29. At 2% interest rate and longest possible mortgage term( we later overpaid 30k), we were lucky to have a 1k mortgage payment we could afford. The money saved also went to paying back dh's student loan in full and building up big emergency fund.

Fast forward 6 years, our mortgage fixed at 1252 until 2031 which has allowed us to weather maternity leave and a baby on basically 1 income.

We were lucky in many ways. But we barely scraped it. We also had 120k combined household income until i got pregnant. We have never had a car.

Dh's siblings are not so lucky, like Op's daughter they rented at an early age and had to return home to live. I am not sure how they can replicate what we did as market conditions are very different now. DH and i scaled up our earnings massively in 2022 and went from 70k combined to 120k and we banked most of it in savings as our mortgage was 1k and we had no car. Just went on weekend breaks to other european countries and stayed mainly in budget hotels. We were planning for a baby and wanted the money to be used for that.

Sure. Times are hard for the young. Exactly why my adult kids stay with me and pay not a penny in rent or food or anything. But am not housing their partners.
Also my parents were first gen immigrants. They had it very hard. It's not just Gen Z that struggled.

@Poetnojo Myself and my husband are 45 and 50 and both work, always have done.
However, we are not in particularly well-paid jobs which means we simply can't afford to buy our own home and long-term rent privately. Definitely not "privileged" by any stretch.
Realistically we'd never have had a child together if we waited until we were in a position to buy; we have a daughter age 5 who is very much adored.
But...
We are both in work and have always been. Of course a rental property is never 100% secure by its very nature, but we have been there 4 years now and know our landlady well as she lives just around the corner. We are relatively confident she would give us plenty of notice should she wish to sell which would allow us time to find somewhere else.
As much as possible we made sure all of these provisions were in place before considering a pregnancy which this couple have clearly failed to do. And, unlike us, they have time on their side!!

So their choices were not the same as yours, so what?

Myself and Dh are late 40s, have 5 children ranging from 28 down to 7 year old twins, have just recently taken a foster placement of a now 6 month old baby boy in the short term. I will never turn my back on any of my children, especially if its such a temporary thing. We have always worked, own our own 5 bedroom house, going to have the mortgage cleared by summer time. Doesn't mean other people have to follow our path.
This particular young couple don't seem to be in an awful situation at all.

You clearly are made of steel!
And enjoy having babies around.
But some of us don't want to be parenting forever.

I'm shocked too. Your experience sounds very much like mine....and I'm very grateful for that and apply the same to my DC. I will be helping them as much as I can.

Enjoying having babies around or not, I would not be suggesting my daughter abort her baby in this situation or force the young family apart or not support her in any way I could.