Im not excited with announcement of the first grandchild

[FirstNight]

23years ago I found mumsnet and became the network I shared and found strength and support as I raised my 3 children and make 100s of Mars lemon drizzle cake 😁

Really didn't think I'd be back here so soon seeking advice.

2026 the final child is 18. The mortgage will be paid in 2mths and the silver wedding anniversary will be upon us in the autumn.

Middle child ..21 in Sept. Moved out 2 yrs ago with the boyfriend. Back in December they noted the tenancy on flat was up and won't be renewed (house being sold). In January they asked if could bunk down with us for 6mths so they could save some extra £ before moving to a new place. Yes of course we say...for a rent payment that covers utilities and food and evidence of saving.

Now today...we have an excited couple informing us they are pregnant. But no other plans than still to move in with us. Dd job is likely not to pay more than maternity allowance , the only saving grace is that career chosen is term time so in 6 yrs will work well for them. Boyfriend has just moved from salaried to self employed...so not a positive for applying for new tenancies.

I was looking forward to enjoying freedom without a small child hanging about and time to reconnect to hubby. Seems we may end up as additional hands, broken nights sleep and a kitchen and lounge full of baby related paraphernalia.

I want to be excited but all I'm thinking and remembering is those first few years with our eldest and the struggles and challenges that come with this.

I understand that, what I can't understand is how you could turn your back on your child in thus situation especially when it's a temporary arrangement

How is this child going to suffer? Maybe spending their first few months house sharing with grandma?! Make an appointment at the abortion clinic quick, how could you condone any child suffering such a miserable start in life.

If you didn’t want to become a grandmother then why on earth, to parrot some of the posters here, didn’t you use contraception?

They were moving in for 6 months, so they have 3 months before the baby is born?
If not, this was a premeditated attack on your humbleness which needs to be called out and your initial offer revoked. You have raised your children.

😂😂😂

No one can guarantee it is temporary and that is part of the issue.

They may not save as much as expected, especially now with a baby to pay for
They may not be in a rush to leave and dig their heels in
They may not look for places as they will be nice and comfortable with a free extra pair of hands
They might even decide to have another baby

Rolling over and doing whatever they want you to do isn't turning your back on your adult child. You are allowed to say no, that won't work for me now.

That's a lot of assumptions, the plan is temporary, they're hardly going to stay forever now are they, especially seeing as grandma seem frosty about the whole thing.

It's also an assumption to believe that after 6 months, they will 100% move out with a baby to pay for now just because they say they will.

Sounds like hell for you, so don't let it happen.

I completely agree that taking this into your home is a big step and i think it's actually really good in many ways that op is being open about it because she's not going into it blindly.

But there is a middle ground here between refusing to help whatsoever and washing her hands of them so to speak, and being a doormat. And all that really looks like is a very clear conversation about expectations and boundaries which everyone will need to live by.

Obviously noone can say for sure what it'll mean long term, but it's also not easy for a young family to be living with parents. That can be really tough on a relationship as well so I think it's reasonable to expect they will want to move out into their own space as soon as they can. They just need to be very realistic about the timescale and that means sitting down together and doing the maths and setting a goal for that as a move out date. Plus boundaries of what support op and her husband are/ are not prepared to take on and exactly what that looks like. As well as privacy in the home and housework and all the rest.

Ultimately its op and her dhs home so of course they can decline if they want to. But it would be naieve to think that won't affect the relationship they have with their dd if they do.

But that at least is the working plan, not your madevup scenario of them staying forever while popping out baby after baby.

I would also say that people do this all the time. I have a number of friends who did this because they had sold their home to be in a better position to buy in a fast moving market, and others who did this because they wanted to build a home and were waiting on planning permission to go through. All had babies and expanded their family while living with parents and all are very close and involved as a wider family unit. Expectation also being that they will in turn care for their parents when the time comes and it's just what you do as a family to better yourselves.

I just think it's interesting that the perspective on this is so very different when the parents to be involved aren't well off when actually this is a really common thing to do in order to get into a better financial position long term in a difficult housing market.

There is a middle ground. For me, it would be helping them with Universal Credit, helping them to find a rental property and paying bond/deposit as well as offering to be a guarantor if it was necessary.

But they wouldn't be living in my house with a baby. If that would negatively affect our relationship just because it isn't exactly what they wanted, I'd be disappointed at their entitlement.

Op has said she's not in a position to help with a deposit so that's a non starter.

Since both parents in this equation are working there's no reason to think they're entitled to universal credit so unsure why you think that's required. By all means they should do a run through on an entitlement calculator to check but that's not a given that any government help would be forthcoming outside of child benefit.

If I was under financial pressure and working with a goal to early retirement I would not be signing up to be a guarantor for a couple if they aren't going to be able to afford the rent while my dd is on maternity leave as op could be left covering that putting her under more pressure. Again they will need to do the maths on what's realistic and affordable.

So I'm not sure your help is the help you think it is which is why they are likely to feel left to struggle it out on their own if op changes her mind on them moving in (as is her right). Rightly or wrongly I think if I had a parent who was happy to watch me struggle financially when they had the means to help but chose not to I'd feel very hurt because I'm not a robot. And similarly I'm not sure I'd be able to watch my child in that position and not expect them to have any feelings about it.

If you were struggling with something and you had a close friend who could help you but decided not to and just opted to watch you struggle instead would you class them as a friend? I wouldn't ask anything of them but I wouldn't see them as a friend either.

One of them works term time only and the other one has recently become self employed. UC isn't just for those who are out of work, it is also for those who are on lower wages which does seem to apply to them.

If I was struggling financially due to a decision I had made, I don't know why I'd hold anyone else but myself responsible. Especially if I knew they were already under financial pressure themselves.

We don't know what they earn. I have friends who work term time only but salary is evened out across the year so they still pick up a wage outside of term time (plus then additional work over that period if they want it). Being self employed doesn't mean they are below threshold for uc. The only way for them to know is to speak to a citizens advice service or benefits calculator as I mentioned. My point is just that you cannot assume that help is going to be there for them, especially to a point where rent will be affordable on a decent property.

It's not about holding other people responsible, it's about looking at the fact someone could have helped but decided to let you flounder instead. Is that someone you're then going to go out of your way to help the next time they need it? Probably not realistically. And this is how relationships then suffer.

I never said it would be a decent property or even in an area they want but it would be a chance at their own place and they could take it or leave it. It's true that they may not be eligible for UC, fair enough.

It isn't just wanting help though in your scenario, it's demanding the exact help that they want and nothing else would be good enough and it would be everyone else's fault but not their own for making that decision in the first place. I wouldn't want to help someone with that attitude, no.

I would love to have my son and his partner living with me when they had a child!

Yep. It is not what she agreed to and I would not be letting them live in my house with a baby either.

There are other ways to help them.

But again what happens when she's on stat mat allowance if they can't afford the property on one salary? They go into debt and squat in the property? They are temporarily housed in separate hostels? They end up at ops at that point? It feels a little like cutting off your nose to spite your face going down that path unless they know they can afford it on one wage on top of all the things they'll need to buy for a new baby.

You need to stop spiralling and thinking of the worse case scenarios, if they move in yeah it will take some adjusting to and possible compromises but it won’t be forever they will want their own space. I guarantee that having a grandchild in your life you’re family becomes such a blessing being Nannie and Grandad is wonderful the best title we’ve ever had and to have them live with you for even the shortest time is amazing opportunity to bond and should be cherished xx

You don't want to live with a baby. So do not do that. You can help them in other ways.

It's not their decision to make. It's yours. And there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with not wanting to live with a baby. Does not make you selfish, wrong, unkind or uncaring.

They are adults having a baby, so they will have to do the hard lifting themselves. That is their choice. You are helping them, just not keen on making your life miserable to do so. Which is your choice, and the right one for you.

@Newyearawaits@Youshouldbestrongerthanme
@Poetnojo

No, it would be a separation designed to focus the pair of them on the reality of their situation, a way of growing them up very fast ahead of the arrival of their baby.

It would be especially designed to focus the budding entrepreneur on the financial reality he has been allowed to ignore up to now.

If he wants to live with his partner and start a family, then he will need to knuckle down, get a steady income, find a place to live - in short, to grow up.

He has been allowed to get ideas about his status that are not backed up by his earnings or his level of responsibility or maturity.

Boys who think they're entitled to the privileges of adulthood without any reference to the responsibility that goes with those privileges are a menace to women and children and to wider society.

I'm still failing to understand why this is OP's problem to solve. They are making things more difficult for themselves by having a baby, it is their choice but they need to accept responsibility for that choice.

Maybe it would mean a shorter maternity leave than she would like or maybe then would be the time for UC if they would be so short they wouldn't be able to cover the rent. It's never going to be ideal when you decide to have a baby at a less than ideal time.

All of this. It is NOT her job to fix their problems, and she can help them without rolling over and doing something she explicitly says she does not want.

They have hatched a plan to have a baby and it is their job to sort out the circumstances surrounding that - she's not in any way ethically, morally or legally responsible for letting them live with her. She agreed to them moving in before they sprung a baby on her.

If she doesn't want to live with a baby that's just fine.

Good luck to the OP, hope she manages for her own sake to do the right thing and let them clearly know they won't be staying in her home with their baby.

If they make that demand and try to emotionally blackmail her or deny her access to the child on that basis alone then the relationship is absolutely doomed anyway. Decent people don't demand to live in somebody's home with a baby and if they do behave like this (as others have suggested) all the more reason to draw boundaries early on.

Helping them doesn't mean making herself miserable and giving up her peace and doing something against her will. There are other options.