Im not excited with announcement of the first grandchild

[FirstNight]

23years ago I found mumsnet and became the network I shared and found strength and support as I raised my 3 children and make 100s of Mars lemon drizzle cake 😁

Really didn't think I'd be back here so soon seeking advice.

2026 the final child is 18. The mortgage will be paid in 2mths and the silver wedding anniversary will be upon us in the autumn.

Middle child ..21 in Sept. Moved out 2 yrs ago with the boyfriend. Back in December they noted the tenancy on flat was up and won't be renewed (house being sold). In January they asked if could bunk down with us for 6mths so they could save some extra £ before moving to a new place. Yes of course we say...for a rent payment that covers utilities and food and evidence of saving.

Now today...we have an excited couple informing us they are pregnant. But no other plans than still to move in with us. Dd job is likely not to pay more than maternity allowance , the only saving grace is that career chosen is term time so in 6 yrs will work well for them. Boyfriend has just moved from salaried to self employed...so not a positive for applying for new tenancies.

I was looking forward to enjoying freedom without a small child hanging about and time to reconnect to hubby. Seems we may end up as additional hands, broken nights sleep and a kitchen and lounge full of baby related paraphernalia.

I want to be excited but all I'm thinking and remembering is those first few years with our eldest and the struggles and challenges that come with this.

That's good. No one has suggested abortion, I think.
Others will handle this differently because they want another type of life. Just like having 5 kids isn"t for everyone.

But we aren't in the 50s! Many of these woman that are becoming grandparents are working for a living to help keep a household running, and you think that it's fair to expect them to house you, feed you, raise your kids for you! Because that's what'll likely happen, they'll go back to work and the OP will be expected to be childcare because living under the same roof will corner her into it. She's done her years of being sat at home with small screaming kids, bedtimes, potty training, having to to watch kids TV all day, getting every bug going that the kids bring into the house. Can you honestly not see the issue and why OP doesn't want this?

You sound like somebody who just doesn't want a life of your own! She has done her years of being around young screaming kids, it's fine and normal for her to want boundaries and her own space with her husband instead of feeling beholdent to her now adult family who should be in a home of their own before starting a family.

Lots of people questioning if she should continue the pregnancy, ie abortion, which I think would be crazy for a first time mother, who is excited about her pregnancy to abort her baby because she may have to live with her parents short term. It's hardly an awful start to life.

There's no reason why op needs to do this. When my sister lived at home with my parents my neice went to nursery full time as soon as my sister went back to school and then work. No reason to think op will have to take on additional responsibility if she sets her line in the sand now. Similarly I lived with parents for a few months following a seperation, my child was in full time childcare and my mum was never ever expected to do any parenting. She made it clear at the outset she wanted to be a hands off 'fun' granny with none of the heavy lifting and that's exactly what she is. I wouldn't have expected her to take on anything else then the role she wanted to take. At the same time my mum will absolutely expect me and my sibling to keep her out of a nursing home and provide her care for her as needed for as long as we are physically able whether we want to or not doesn't come into it!

Might not be an awful life for her but it is impinging on the OP who after bringing her own children up for years was looking forward to some time to herself and her DH.

Forcing apart? You mean that really normal act of your adult kids leaving home and starting a family in a home of their own! Nobody is being forced apart!

Totally agree, there's so much catastrophising on this thread it's unreal. We are going to have a very real problem with an aged population that cannot sustain itself in a few years because the birth rate is going down. The solution to that is immigration which people also are currently very opposed to. I'm genuinely not sure what people think is going to happen further down the road.

If they are homeless then it's extremely unlikely they will be housed together meaning baby and mum will be accommodated together temporarily and dad will most likely go to a men's hostel. So yes forced apart is very possible given the state of our housing crisis.

Ah well then book in to the abortion clinic immediately if you don't want to be out on the streets.

Exactly. It’s through the actions of the feckless boyfriend that will end up “forcing the young family apart.” His inability to man up, get a real job, and stop trying to be a self-employed baller. Especially with a little one on the way—time to grow up, mate.

The OP says she needs to work for at least 7 more years anyway but will the daughter & boyfriend accept that or try and pressure her, who knows. But the fact is that she doesn't abt a young screaming child in the house when she's at a time where she wants her and husband to start enjoying peace and quiet and their own lives. Plenty of people don't take elderly parents in it they need care because most people don't have the training, the house may not be suitable for a less abled parent, it's not always easy to look after a parent especially if they've got complex mental health issues that make them nasty and abusive! Nobody should feel obligated to a family member at cost of their own wellbeing

Nah the forced apart bit was in reference to lots of people saying they wouldn't allow the dad to move in, even though the OP seems to have no problem with that bit. So if you only allow the daughter and not the partner move in would that not be considered forcing a young family apart?

Basically the BF gets to be self- employed, while the OP has to work full time so the young couple " are not forced apart".

@Poetnojo Indeed. Ours were not irresponsible, despite us not being "privileged."

It’s nobody’s job to house an unemployed partner who fancies themselves as a budding entrepreneur. If anyone is doing “forcing” here, it’s him—forcing a new family before he is ready to provide for one.

Some people have to do that because they cannot provide for a baby. If they can't afford a home of their own now, when will they once they've got the expense of a kid and take daughter can't work for a while, god knows how lucrative the boyfriends self employed business is. People like you get angry about abortion but then the benefit bill just grows and grows because you prefer people to be irresponsible!

Seems like they were able to afford their home, the tenancy has been ended on them.

Hahaha, the grandma had or has no issue housing him, it's just the baby that's the issue.

And they can’t afford a new rental…hence moving in with OP before the pregnancy announcement.

Yes, she agreed to house him for 6 months, and he has now quit his job and gotten her daughter pregnant, which means that he has a snowball’s chance in hell of ever getting his own rental now. OP is rightly concerned about scope creep beyond the original offer of 6 months to two people.

@Poetnojo How are you working and taking on a 6 month-old as a placement? That's impressive 😀

I run an online business

Maybe you could offer a remote position to the feckless boyfriend. He’ll no doubt have time to both work FT and parent his baby in parallel, so OP won’t be roped in for childcare.

Gotten her daughter pregnant? It takes two lol it wasn't something that was done to her, what a strange way to look at it.6 months should still be on the table, at least.