AIBU to refuse stepdaughter’s request that I never drink alcohol?

[Klaap]

Am I being unreasonable to say that my 10-year-old stepdaughter shouldn’t be able to dictate whether I drink alcohol or not?

I’ve been with DH for many years and known SSD since she was a toddler.

DH and are not big drinkers and they are very rarely any occasions where we would be drinking around the children. However we got married a few months ago and at our wedding my stepdaughter objected to me drinking alcohol in the evening with my meal. I had a couple of glasses of red wine (which were included with the meal) when I was eating, and she got into a mood and complained that she thought that it was dangerous for me to be drinking and that bad things are going to happen because I would be drunk. The wedding night was then spent me defending myself to her to try to cajole her out of being in a mood that nothing bad was going to happen

she does have an issue with anxiety which her parents are meant to be dealing with. And I wasn’t sure if it was the wedding itself so just let this one go. However recently there was another occasion where I had ONE glass of wine socially when a friend visited us, and she also complained about that and asked me to promise that I would never drink alcohol ever again in front of her because she felt unsafe. I said no I would not promise this as I am a responsible adult but I would promise not to get drunk.

I asked my husband whether I was falling around drunk or if she had had a bad experience and he said that wasn’t the case at all. I do understand that if she had witnessed me falling around drunk and being extremely intoxicated that might be distressing when we asked her she said that she thought that I was talking louder than normal and she didn’t like it. I don’t think she ever seen anyone in a state but perhaps in school they teach them alcohol can be bad? We have explained too much alcohol or too regularly it can be bad for you.

The next occasion whether there may be some alcohol would be our annual 2 week family holiday to Europe where we may drink beer or wine with a meal. As she is 10, we would dine together every evening and one of the nights we are away is my birthday, so likely I might have a drink or 2, but now, what will I risk the wrath of a 10yo controlling me and going into a mood?

She does have a real tendency to go into these protracted moods where she will stonewall you and refuse to tell you what’s wrong, but you know something is wrong and after 2 days of being ignored (and carrying on as normal), I end up saying enough is enough SD, stop this now it’s unkind to ignore me. I don’t think this is at all a good strategy for a child to develop this way of handling conflict and I am quite concerned, as is DH but is ‘giving in’ appropriate here?

I'm not sure there's a right or wrong way to go about this op. At the end of the day this is something she's obviously struggling with and it could be a sign of ND or it could be that she feels uncomfortable around her mums family when they're drinking and she likes that she feels safer with you because things are just - calmer. Even if her mum and the family aren't necessarily doing anything 'wrong'.

You could have a chat with her and explain that some grown ups misuse alcohol and others are very careful with it, and you make a point of being very careful with it so you can still be there for her and her brother if they ever need you. So she doesn't need to worry about how you use alcohol.

But tbh I think if it were me and I knew it were making her uncomfortable and I wasn't sure of the reason why I'd honestly probably cut right back and drink when she's not around until I had a clearer understanding of where it was coming from or maybe wait until she's a little older and maybe more aware of alcohol and how it actually works. I've worked with a lot of children who have had traumatic incidents and even though alcohol itself wasn't the actual issue, the smell and seeing someone drinking would be really triggering so it's something I'd be very mindful of. Especially because you really don't know what's happening when she's at mums or with mums extended family.

Right now she's obviously trying to figure out her role with you and your role with her and it sounds like you're meeting a need that she isn't for whatever reason getting meet with mum on some level.

She needs to know they you can drink but have limits and be ok

and why every now and then I have a drink in front of dd.

she knows I don’t get drunk and won’t be behaving like her dad

I wonder if she will try booze at 14 🙀 16/18 or if he’s put her off it

You're completely in the right to indulge in the odd glass of wine, of course. Nobody sensible would claim otherwise.

The problem lies in the way you pander to her nonsense. I barely notice anyone sulking, certainly never try to cajole them out of it. So long as she is basically doing what is required with chores, going to school etc let her sulk silently for days if she likes. You've already tried talking to her, so unless you plan to have your life ruled by a child, you need to learn to treat her like a child. She's not in charge of you.

My 10 year old daughter does this to me! I think they get told at school that it’s dangerous and then in their heads it becomes more of a concern than it should be. I’ve told her not to worry and that alcohol in moderation is fine. She doesn’t have autism just anxious her mum is going to get unwell (I’m a single mum so I get it).

I find my mum really annoying when she’s had a drink, I can’t explain why. I don’t have that with my dad. It’s just the way I feel but also my relationship with my mum is more complicated.
it sounds like your SD feels insecure and anxious when she sees a slight change in your behaviour when you’ve had a drink. Her asking you reassuring questions might mean she doesn’t trust you 100% you’ll stick around, her parents split up, what’s stopping you and her father splitting up too? Since you don’t drink often she’s not used to seeing you like that.
i don’t think you should never have a drink when she’s around but maybe having chats about it and how your feelings towards her won’t change. A sulking child is a child testing you, a needy child. Give her lots of reassurance

Dd was like this at that age. They’d had a six week (once a week) course at school where someone from the police came and spoke to them about the evils of alcohol and drugs. Really scared her.

Ah, interesting. Dd is autistic.

If you don’t drink around her then that will reinforce her belief that you might be danger if you have alcohol. You need to carry on as normal and when she makes a fuss tell her that she is being silly, there is nothing to worry about.
She has got the wrong end of the stick about drinking somehow, maybe she’s neurodiverse, maybe she’s trying to control you, maybe someone else in her life is drinking too much - it’s impossible to say from just this thread. Her dad needs to try and get to the bottom of this without making it a big deal: I know that’s probably not going to be easy.
For your part, you should just carry on as normal, reassuring her when necessary whilst also making it clear that she doesn’t have the right to spoil your fun when you’re not doing anything wrong.

Bless her, she sounds that she really cares for you, in her 10 year old way.

Of course no, she doesn't get to dictate your drinking and as others have said, find out why she's being like this if can. It may be a good time to teach her about responsible drinking and that a glass now and then is responsible.

Personally I would put the needs of an anxious 10 year old girl ahead of my need to have a couple of glasses of wine.

Her father needs to deal with this in a straight forward and firm manner.

I would be worried about where this has come from tbh. You guys (well, her mum and dad) need to get to the bottom of that asap. As for a short term fix for your holiday, I think maybe just… tell a fib? It’s a mocktail, it’s a non alcoholic beer, it’s just grape juice. Not a long term solution but so you can enjoy your holiday.

Hopefully in a few years when she’s asking you to buy her drink for a house party you can bring this up and laugh about it. At her age I said I’d never drink, never smoke, and if smelled weed I would call the police immediately… my mum and dad love to bring it up whenever I’ve got a pint in my hand.

She sounds like a child who feels scared and very vulnerable when her mother drinks; and that her step-mum (OP) has become her 'safe' person. She is then really worried at the prospect of OP having something to drink. She needs to feel safe, and her fear of people drinking alcohol takes that safety away. It needs to be handled carefully, but I don't think she's being controlling.

My kids aren’t fans of people drinking. There are several reasons. My ex’s family are all big drinkers and when they visit them the adults often have a few drinks and the kids get sent off to a room where more often or not they’re bored- scrolling devices. I’m not sure anyone’s been so drunk in front of them that there’s been an issue though.

My youngest is also emetophobic and dos link excessive drinking with being physically sick. She knows her dad has been drunk to the point where he’s been sick in the past. He probably does it now but not around them. They’ve heard the stories. I’m not tea total an haven’t drunk since I was sick when teen drinking back in the day. That story often comes out by grandparents who think it’s funny. Same with story about their dad choking in his sleep as he was sick. Again many years ago in younger days. But more recently I’ve been friends with other mums at a hobby by daughter attends and we often drop kids and go for a cuppa. When it was a Sunday morning one of the mums often had a hangover, was even sometime running off to be sick. We then got invited to a big birthday party for one of the mums and my daughter pint blank refused to go as she knows the mums drink to the point the can be sick and she doesn’t want to be near any one who might possibly throw up!!

I don’t drink due to my younger experiences and generally the fact that it makes me feel dreadful. So they don’t ever wort about that from me. My family do like a drink but mostly a glass of of wine or beer with a meal. We had a family party recently for someone on my side of the family and alcohol was available and people did have a few drinks but my kids don’t seem bothered by it.

I know when they went away wit their dad over the summer my youngest did ask dad not to drink at all whilst they were away. I can’t remember whether he did or not in the end but he did promise that if he had a drink it would be one with a meal.

Sounds like this is a cry for help. By trying to control you is her trying to take control of something, not necessarily alcohol, but it's more than viable. She needs a good talking session so she is understood, but she does not get to control you or your choices and you need to stand ultra firm on this

I'd say dsd is far too knowledgeable of alcohol abuse and drunkenness for a 10yo. Something traumatic must've happened for her to be being like this. Sounds like her mother is an alcoholic, which explains dsd's attitude to anyone else drinking.

My first instinct is that school have given her class a lesson on alcoholism and it’s scared her. From memory some of them used to be very heavy handed, and a sensitive child is easily going to experience a lot of fear watching people they love do something that they’ve been told is dangerous to their health. Is there a way you can put the relative risks of the occasional glass of wine on a special occasion compared to regular drinking into perspective for her?

Based on your updates OP, I wouldn’t drink around her (if it were me).

It does seem as if it’s related to feeling unsafe.

Yes!!! I was going to say that she sounds just like my DS at that age. He was diagnosed at 14 with autism (he doesn’t mind if I have a drink now.) x

If it was from school teaching that alcohol is to be avoided, then SD would be asking everyone around her to stop drinking, not just OP. This is specifically focused on OP.

As she is 10, we would dine together every evening and one of the nights we are away is my birthday, so likely I might have a drink or 2, but now, what will I risk the wrath of a 10yo controlling me and going into a mood?

This is a 10 year old trying to control an adult's behaviour. It sounds like if OP has a drink or 2, she's afraid SD will give her the silent treatment for a couple of days. The silent treatment is a tactic she using to try to control OP. It's an abuse tactic and that's not acceptable.

It's really good that your husband has supported you in this and he needs to continue that. If she's getting help for her anxiety, I think he needs to be telling whoever she's having therapy with about this and it needs to be addressed ASAP as well as the jealousy of her kids OP briefly mentioned.

I also wonder if school has taught them alcohol = bad, or somewhere along the line that is what she has in her head. I actually think it's healthy to show that you can have dinner and a glass of wine, have a laugh and a good time together and enjoy it responsibly. I think it's good to demonstrate this behaviour for when they become of age. Too much restriction followed by binge drinking in this country.
I found it odd when my son questioned me for having a glass of wine, and felt I had to justify my decisions!

I hate anyone drinking around me, it unnerves me due to having someone drink and turn nasty, that was years ago but I back away if someone's drinking, I'd rather go home and be away from them. I'd sit her down and have a chat, ask her why she dosn't like anyone having a drink and what's happened for her to think like that. I'd guess someone's scared her when they've had a drink. Be kind and at least try to find out the reason.

Gonna throw this in as a curve ball, but is there any chance she has OCD on top of anxiety?

I've had OCD since early childhood, and from around 7/8 I kept asking people not to go out in the car because I thought they'd die, and if they did go out, I'd walk around with my chin pressed to my chest as I thought that would keep people safe.

I think it's a weird request from a 10 year old regardless. Obviously you should continue to drink and you aren't BU, but I'd personally be very curious about this and why she feels that way. I don't think a 10 year old would tell you to stop and be 'moody' to willfully control you in this scenario.

Ofc it's unreasonable to let a child dictate what or how much others eat or drink, but I'd be very concerned why it happens. She's used to the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde of frequent drinkers and hasn't realized that most people can enjoy a couple drinks without problem.

"I asked my husband whether I was falling around drunk"

Like it had others that part tripped me up a bit. You wouldn't ask your husband that if you had been only a bit tipsy. The most likely explanation is that she's given up on her mum and now scared you'll end up like her given that her family seems to have a problem with alcohol.

It's sad but not your problem. Codependence in children like buying their mom alcohol and controlling others' drinking needs to be addressed professionally.

Maybe humour her on one occasion to show she is being heard and seen by someone she trusts. You only drink 4 times a year with meals so it's not essential to your enjoyment of holidays anyway, but it might make a world of difference to the child.

Thanks for the responses.

Unrelated to any alcohol SD has continued this sulky mood with DH and I since she returned from mums. She will not tell us what the issue is. I did wonder if some of it is hormonal. She’s definitely using her moods to control situations, she doesn’t want us to think she’s ‘the bad guy’ so won’t tell anyone what the issue is, but usually she’s disappointed about something so ignores you, refuses to engage, sulks in her room etc. I picked her up from school but I had to continue working from home and she was disappointed I didn’t take her to the park. She then sat around for 2 hours listlessly bored in a depressive state refusing to entertain herself (she has a room full of toys and books and we have a garden). I’m not going to spend 2 hours grovelling I have to work, I have a job. Then it puts me off taking her to the park as I don’t want to reward this behaviour

DH has reprimanded her for rude behaviour last night which has pushed her even more into feeling victimised. This is not a good way of resolving your feelings and we are both worried about this behaviour becoming entrenched and trying to put a stop to it

She isn’t ND but she does have controlling traits, this is from feeling insecure. She has had MH assessment and they have said she cannot cope with being bored.

DH is her safe parent. She clashes with mum a lot. He has had enough of these moods because it ruins everyone’s mood as you are treading on eggshells. I’ve noticed this behaviour gets her a lot of attention, especially if she thinks anyone else is getting attention so it’s insecurity driving it. I gave her a hug before bed and she was simpering about being told off by DH but I explained that these moods she was going in she needed to try to find a more healthy way of processing her feelings because it was rude to other people - like she could journal, which we have told her so many times. But then she goes into this doom language ‘no one loves me’ ‘you all wish I wasn’t here’ and I am not sure she really means this or believed it, but she’s stuck in the doom loop of feeling bad about herself, behaving badly, confirmation she’s bad