AIBU to refuse stepdaughter’s request that I never drink alcohol?

[Klaap]

Am I being unreasonable to say that my 10-year-old stepdaughter shouldn’t be able to dictate whether I drink alcohol or not?

I’ve been with DH for many years and known SSD since she was a toddler.

DH and are not big drinkers and they are very rarely any occasions where we would be drinking around the children. However we got married a few months ago and at our wedding my stepdaughter objected to me drinking alcohol in the evening with my meal. I had a couple of glasses of red wine (which were included with the meal) when I was eating, and she got into a mood and complained that she thought that it was dangerous for me to be drinking and that bad things are going to happen because I would be drunk. The wedding night was then spent me defending myself to her to try to cajole her out of being in a mood that nothing bad was going to happen

she does have an issue with anxiety which her parents are meant to be dealing with. And I wasn’t sure if it was the wedding itself so just let this one go. However recently there was another occasion where I had ONE glass of wine socially when a friend visited us, and she also complained about that and asked me to promise that I would never drink alcohol ever again in front of her because she felt unsafe. I said no I would not promise this as I am a responsible adult but I would promise not to get drunk.

I asked my husband whether I was falling around drunk or if she had had a bad experience and he said that wasn’t the case at all. I do understand that if she had witnessed me falling around drunk and being extremely intoxicated that might be distressing when we asked her she said that she thought that I was talking louder than normal and she didn’t like it. I don’t think she ever seen anyone in a state but perhaps in school they teach them alcohol can be bad? We have explained too much alcohol or too regularly it can be bad for you.

The next occasion whether there may be some alcohol would be our annual 2 week family holiday to Europe where we may drink beer or wine with a meal. As she is 10, we would dine together every evening and one of the nights we are away is my birthday, so likely I might have a drink or 2, but now, what will I risk the wrath of a 10yo controlling me and going into a mood?

She does have a real tendency to go into these protracted moods where she will stonewall you and refuse to tell you what’s wrong, but you know something is wrong and after 2 days of being ignored (and carrying on as normal), I end up saying enough is enough SD, stop this now it’s unkind to ignore me. I don’t think this is at all a good strategy for a child to develop this way of handling conflict and I am quite concerned, as is DH but is ‘giving in’ appropriate here?

This!!!

Children of alcoholics often feel shamed and will help hide a parent's drinking for them. I was that child. You know the drinking is not normal so hide it

Perhaps she has been let down by the other adults in her life because they were drinking @Klaapand you and her Dad are her “safe” people and she is fearful you will lose control if you drink ?

Children with anxiety don’t just have anxiety, for no reason whatsoever. She is obviously carrying something mentally that needs to be heard and supported. Your alcohol use is your business but I don’t think children should see adults even tipsy. It does make them feel unsafe and they do easily detect changes no matter how subtle. 10 year olds are highly aware so you probably were talking more loudly.

Alcohol is way too important to most people.

Absolutely do not do this.
Accommodating her anxiety is a sure fire way to make her more anxious.
It is much better for children to be told "I know you're worried about this, but I'm sure you'll be fine".
Don't tell her she shouldn't worry or deny her feelings.
But don't change what you are doing to make her feel better - that tells her she isn't strong enough to handle normal situations like an adult having a glass of wine.

Children who have anxiety DO have anxiety for no reason. Rooting around in her past will not make her less anxious.

Is there any behaviour in children which doesn't instantly get suggested as autism, ADHD or one of the half a dozen other acronyms/syndromes by some people on here?
As opposed to "I'm a grown adult doing grown adult things so thank you for your input however I'm making my own choices, as you will want to do when you are older, in the meantime, cheers!"...and in this case then saying to DH "your circus and your monkeys...".

I’m not comfortable with approaching this that mum is an alcoholic as I have no proof of that whatsoever. I think mum is like a lot of women in their 30’s who unwinds with a glass of wine in the evenings and let their hair down at social events. I have no idea if she drinks too much. I think granddad is a bit of a prick after a drink as DH says he can be lairy, but they don’t seem to see him that often.

I don’t think she’s been exposed to anything specific that has traumatised her, she also has anxiety about fire and she’s never been in a fire or had anything catch fire either.

The anxiety is definitely from separated parents and wanting stability. SD clashes with mum so seems to experience some rejection sensitivity around adult women. She does see me as a mother figure and asks for a lot of reassurance that I love her, won’t leave her, that I like her, that I like being around her

Of course a 10 year old shouldn’t dictate to you, but it can be quite unsettling for a child when an adult they know well ‘changes’ with drink. I have family members who become like different human beings even after one drink and it frustrates me, even as a grown adult. They don’t realise they are doing it. They aren’t drunk, but they are different.

A child might find this confusing and worrying.

Has she seen scary adverts about alcohol abuse, or had a talk about the dangers of alcohol at school, or are any people she spends time ardent teetotallers? You need a conversation about the difference between having a few drinks and being drunk or an alcoholic and that children can't drink alcohol because their bodies are too young. She can't dictate what you do but you can try to find out why it upsets her so much and allay her worries.

OP you sound like you have a good relationship with DSD and a sensitive understanding of the cause of this. Behaviour is communication and I think you're picking up the messages around rejection anxiety, reassurance that her life isn't going to be upheaved again etc.

I don't think you necessarily need to work with her about the specifics of alcohol. Instead you could focus on activities together that help build mutual trust. Climbing was the first thing that sprang to mind as something that safely and gently pushes you out of your comfort zone in a very controlled environment but there are probably better suggestions!

(Not that a child needs to be encouraged to tolerate drunk adults, but more to build a foundation where DSD feels that your relationship with her is safe and secure).

I do think PP's point about adults changing even with one drink is important too however. For a child of divorced parents, they've already experienced adults changing and things they thought were permanent suddenly proving not to be. For DSD perhaps any change in parental attitude signals an unconscious feeling of "everything will fall apart".

Anxiety is awful, but the way to deal with it is not to teach her that other people have to change their behaviour to accommodate her. She needs to learn to manage it, with lots of support.

‘Risk the wrath of a ten year old’ and we wonder why the country is in the state it’s in. Stop the world I want to get off.

Let’s just diagnose everyone, then we can blame it all on that. This makes me so fecking cross and I have ADHD diagnosed years ago.

I think mum is like a lot of women in their 30’s who unwinds with a glass of wine in the evenings and let their hair down at social events.

You don't know what goes on at home after the social events though or after that extra glass of wine of an evening. My mum wasn't an alcoholic but had issues after drinking that we, as children, had to pick the pieces up from. We weren't abused and without alcohol she was a very kind woman, but we had to deal with emotional or aggressive outbursts and the consequences that wider family and friends did not see. After just a few drinks she became a different woman, possibly a release from a hard life as a single parent with not much money and pent up frustrations.

At family events we would be on edge, particularly my younger sibling probably around the age of your SD, and would even be told off by relatives for being miseries and watching what she was drinking, or questioning having 'another one' because relatives said she deserved to enjoy herself, have a good night out etc but they weren't the ones at home later making sure she was still breathing in the night having threatened to take an overdose or trying to hide family photo albums because when drunk she'd rip out my father from photos.

Growing up we also had an uncle who would buy my mum a particular expensive bottle of spirit as her Christmas gift. Uncle thought he was being kind as she'd never be able to afford that brand herself, but he had no idea how many ruined Christmas's we had due to that 'treat'.

I'm now in my 50s and although her alcohol-related outbursts much improved over the years, my heart still sinks a bit if I see my mum reaching for a third drink.

So don't be too hard on that little girl, something might well have happened at home that you just don't know about.

thanks to anyone sharing about an alcoholic parent. I do know where you are coming from. My father drinks a lot, he’s very functional, but my whole life I have watched him revolve around alcohol and prioritise it over his family. He was nicer with it than without it so until I was an adult, I preferred him drinking.

but those subtle changes a PP talked about really resonated with me as @InconvenientlyMaterial picked up on as well, and the more I think about it, the more I agree this is likely what it is and my own experience of it in my dad has struck a chord with me that perhaps I had not thought about for a long time. It must be worrying to see someone change

I’m not sure if I am traumatised by my dad drinking or not, more I used to get angry that we were always skint but he always had alcohol and I resented him for that. Now he’s an adult I just don’t bother talking to him as he is irritating and repetitive.

Most UK pubs & restaurants sell alcohol free beer, cider, wine. Same taste, no alcohol

It sounds like you drink responsibility

Alcohol-free wine tastes nothing like proper wine.

YANBU obviously. And don't pander to the "moods" either, unless you want her to learn to use them to manipulate and boss others for the rest of her life; act like you don't notice them.

Yeah actually I think you're right.
Sneaking alcohol is dodgy anyway. It is kind of what bad alcoholics do so it probably could just make it worse if she clocked it.

I agree just calmly saying 'its fine for most adults to sometimes drink.' then change the subject.

My concern here is about the child, nothing to do with your drinking. You sound reasonable and sensible.

what has caused this fear for her? That’s what you need to get to the bottom of.

you need to have a conversation with her and find out what her issue is. Has there been grown ups in her life that drink far too much and become volatile? Had she seen it on the street? Tv?

I would definitely be telling her about the different types of drinks and how they affect you, so she can understand that 1 or 2 with dinner is normal, and maybe promise to endure that you will never be blotto in front of her.

Haven’t read all the responses so not sure if it’s been mentioned already. My daughter was (and still can be) exactly the same around alcohol and in fact when she was young (now older teen) was very very controlling over loads of things. At 15 she was diagnosed AuDHD and it became a lot clearer that this behaviour was more about trying to control her environment than me (or an individual). The alcohol was very much linked to health anxiety and a sickness phobia and in fact so much of her behaviour related to reducing the risk of her or someone else’s getting sick or being ill. We’re not big drinkers but when her teen sister became of age she wouldn’t speak to her for a week if she’d been drinking and she refused to share a bathroom for about 3 months when her sister was sick. I don’t necessarily have the answers but reframing it certainly helped me be more sympathetic towards her behaviour. She will obviously need to accept that your behaviour is normal and that her anxious response is what needs dealing with but that can be done with support and empathy and firm boundaries, you don’t need to completely change what sounds like a normal way of life. In my experience anxiety like this isn’t easy to tackle at this age especially if there is any neurodivergence and it’s only at 17 that I’m starting to see my DD manage it better herself. For whatever reason, she doesn’t feel safe, I think you have to work out why.

Course a 10yr doesn’t get to dictate to you what you do

esp as drink so rarely but maybe it does effect you more than you think

ex is an alcoholic and dd hates anyone being drunk and if see out and about she says she doesn’t like it

I do have the odd drink to show her that it’s fine to have one and that I can stop the same as most people can - which she understands

where ex dh can’t stop at one. Or he can but his one is one large bottle of vodka

interesting the mum drinks and prob does drink too much. And from where dsd is coming from it’s too much

Have they been laying it on thick at school? My similar age daughter came home and asked us to stop drinking alcohol as it was very bad and she was worried we’d die.

We had quite a long chat explaining that we both genuinely don’t drink very much but enjoy the odd glass of wine and wouldn’t be stopping that. I’m not sure she was entirely convinced.

I would sit down with her, after a cuddle, and have a fact based reassuring chat. Talk to her that she is totally right to be concerned if adults drink too much, and that you are very blessed to have a DSD that cares so much about you, but a little bit of alcohol some times for a treat is fine.

I would find some online resources that she can easily understand - a pictogram of some sort - to talk through how many glasses of wine are okay. So, say, you talk through the fact that 14 units week is considered fine by the doctors/government, what does that look like? If one glass of wine is 1.5 or 2 units, say, would she be okay with you just having a glass with a meal sometimes when you go out, or two on your birthday? At the moment she seems to think that any/all alcohol is dangerous, so I’d sit with her and very rationally explain how much is okay and reassure her that when she is with you you will never drink more than 4 units (which it sounds as though you don’t, anyway).

I think this is a misunderstanding and given her underlying anxiety it has ramped up. It can probably be easily managed if you have a simple conversation with her and reassure her that you will never drink to excess with her and would never drink and drive etc. It’s reassurance she is after.