AIBU to refuse stepdaughter’s request that I never drink alcohol?

[Klaap]

Am I being unreasonable to say that my 10-year-old stepdaughter shouldn’t be able to dictate whether I drink alcohol or not?

I’ve been with DH for many years and known SSD since she was a toddler.

DH and are not big drinkers and they are very rarely any occasions where we would be drinking around the children. However we got married a few months ago and at our wedding my stepdaughter objected to me drinking alcohol in the evening with my meal. I had a couple of glasses of red wine (which were included with the meal) when I was eating, and she got into a mood and complained that she thought that it was dangerous for me to be drinking and that bad things are going to happen because I would be drunk. The wedding night was then spent me defending myself to her to try to cajole her out of being in a mood that nothing bad was going to happen

she does have an issue with anxiety which her parents are meant to be dealing with. And I wasn’t sure if it was the wedding itself so just let this one go. However recently there was another occasion where I had ONE glass of wine socially when a friend visited us, and she also complained about that and asked me to promise that I would never drink alcohol ever again in front of her because she felt unsafe. I said no I would not promise this as I am a responsible adult but I would promise not to get drunk.

I asked my husband whether I was falling around drunk or if she had had a bad experience and he said that wasn’t the case at all. I do understand that if she had witnessed me falling around drunk and being extremely intoxicated that might be distressing when we asked her she said that she thought that I was talking louder than normal and she didn’t like it. I don’t think she ever seen anyone in a state but perhaps in school they teach them alcohol can be bad? We have explained too much alcohol or too regularly it can be bad for you.

The next occasion whether there may be some alcohol would be our annual 2 week family holiday to Europe where we may drink beer or wine with a meal. As she is 10, we would dine together every evening and one of the nights we are away is my birthday, so likely I might have a drink or 2, but now, what will I risk the wrath of a 10yo controlling me and going into a mood?

She does have a real tendency to go into these protracted moods where she will stonewall you and refuse to tell you what’s wrong, but you know something is wrong and after 2 days of being ignored (and carrying on as normal), I end up saying enough is enough SD, stop this now it’s unkind to ignore me. I don’t think this is at all a good strategy for a child to develop this way of handling conflict and I am quite concerned, as is DH but is ‘giving in’ appropriate here?

drink out of a cup or opaque water bottle so she can't see what's inside

Classic alkie behaviour! I haven't done that for years now.

I haven’t RTFT but I used to work in y6 & PSHE covers alcohol. It was quite triggering for a few of the kids in my school & made others think alcohol was the devil. We weren’t allowed to say anything along the lines of having a couple is fine! Maybe it’s this that has triggered her opinions?

Yeah I replied already to another poster saying I realised that wasn't the right way to go about it, having given it some thought!

YANBU OP do not allow a child to dictate your life.

The fact that she taught she can tell you to stop- makes me think you already let her cross your boundaries. You propably tried too hard and been too nice.

My 10 year old had anxiety so anyone drinking , smoking etc she worries and we have to remind her that’s not how life works . Your husband and her mum are to blame here .
Do not give in to her demands because it will only get worse

if she spends most her time round a bunch of pissheads, you're going the right way to show her that she's not going to get understanding or a feeling of safety around you two, either.

Not a control thing as much as desperately wanting to feel secure and safe with her stepmother and her father because she doesn't get that at home.

Her parents need to fix this.

they need to support her in understanding that she can’t make anyone do/not do something she doesn’t approve of.

let her sulk, but the message is, I’m not doing anything untoward and I’m not being told what to do by a 10yo, or a 20yo or 40yo for that matter. This is her issue to work through.

it won’t stop at alcohol if you let this happen

A 10 year old has no part to play in your decision whether to drink or not- if she is going to sulk she can stay at home , completely safe in her own bed.
Allowing her to dictate is just setting everyone up for trouble with her in future.

I think giving kids too much inappropriate power is ultimately scary and stressful for them (much as they think they want it). So please for her sake don't give in to her, and so continue to speak to her calmly and firmly about how unfair and unkind it is to try to control others through sulking etc, when the things they others are doing are harmless things they enjoy.

I am sober, and wary around alcohol myself, but it sounds like your drinking is incredibly moderate - there is no reason in the world you should have to moderate it further. A light drinker wanting a glass or two of wine on holiday at their birthday with a meal is certainly not a problem!

She needs therapy. What you have is a master manipulator in the making.

For example drink out of a cup or opaque water bottle so she can't see what's inside. Or try and mainly drink when she's not present.

This is the exact opposite of what op should do. She needs to desensitise her DSD by making a point of drinking in her presence (a) to normalise it and (b) to make it very clear that a 10 year old does not get to tell adults what to do.

This is interesting as it could be the only time that she has a reason to control you as some people think alcohol is a vice. Of course you are a responsible adult and even if you did get a little merry you have done nothing wrong. From what you have told us so far she is either trying to find a way to control you or has had an experience in the past with adults and alcohol. Maybe her father needs to investigate this further.

No - any unusual behaviour has to be given a diagnosis. It’s the fashion these days.

You have said her mum drinks and family events are boozy and at the wedding you were louder than usual. That is all the issue is. It is so destabilising for her to see adults drunk and she just doesn’t want you to be like that too. Have some empathy

Does she get her way at Mum's?

The demands and silent spells scream 'little madam' and the source of that is usually them being spoiled or overly indulged.

The worst thing you could do is bow to her demands, IMO. She clearly needs to learn that others don't have to do what she says.

If you think she's coming from a better place and is worried, maybe have a word with her about it. It's weird that she's focused it on you, not her Dad.

Definitely this!

She seems really upset. I wouldn’t stop drinking but I would share with both her parents who they can discuss the root of this worry as it isn’t healthy for her

I know. I replied twice now to other posters saying I realised it wasn't a good plan.

Id seeks some professional advise. But she is way out of line at 10. Do you think her mum has put an idea in her head? Doesn't seem like a normal thing for a 10 year old to say I don't feel safe etc.

This. U picking it is the best way forward. That's her dad's job. If you / he can't unpick it it's fine to say no and why. Difficult topics I chip away at little by little. So you might have try a few times.

Different for me as sometimes the net result is "I'm your mum not your mate and I'm the boss" but I don't just go in "because I said so". Listen. State your reasons.

I'm going to address this from your daughter's perspective, because to be honest, none of your follow up posts have surprised me in the least.

First of all, your new husband is a twit to assure you that she doesn't have any traumatic experiences- how would he know? He doesn't live in her head, never mind live with her 24/7. He doesn't know what she's witnessing with her mum or her mum's family.

It's clearly apparent that alcohol plays a role in her mum's life, and she is exposed to the behavioural changes. At 10, neither of my parents were alcoholics, but they drank enough that I had seen them drunk, and been scared by how they were out of control. At first, it was amusing because they were sillier, and less inhibited. But I gradually became aware, even though I couldn't have articulated it, that their judgment was impaired. They made decisions they wouldn't have made sober, including decisions for me. I felt highly vulnerable, and like I had to be responsible for looking after myself until they sobered up. As their drinking got heavier, that became indubitably true.

As an adult, it took years before I could be around anyone drinking without panicking they were going to get paralytic.

It def makes you wonder what she has been exposed to

She sounds like a mini controller

I remember having a real bee in my bonnet about that age, about my parents drinking and smoking, I was absolutely convinced they were going to die on me in the imminent future - all a result of stuff we were doing at school at the time.

In fairness to me - my parents were/are alcoholic, and it is what killed my Mother in the end (aged 63) but my fear at the time wasn't hugely rational really, it was a combination of hard hitting info from school plus my age.

What I think is much more concerning is her behaviour - going into a mood, silent treatment, sulking around. That needs dealing with, its not an appropriate response and she needs to know that.

I'd be clear with her 'I know you're upset/don't like xyz situation, I am not asking you to like it! But being rude and moody or silent treatment is not the way to resolve anything - come and talk to us when you feel like doing that properly'.

And then DO NOT pander, do not try to cajole her, don't dig, just carry on daily life as normal and do not under any circumstances let her think you even notice her stropping about or going silent.

If she does come round and talk to you or start behaving nicely, again just continue as normal do not make any sort of a big deal about it (like 'there, see isn't it nicer when you're nice'). Just let her find out for herself that unpleasant behaviour achieves nothing and pleasant behaviour does indeed feel nicer.