AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

How utterly suffocating and controlling.

I’m just not sure why I can’t be present for a conversation that effects our future more than mother son our family unit consists of my husband and I. Not my husband his mother and I. Now inheritances or my MIL’s private health issues sure but an issue that is about our marriage no sorry our marriage is not her place to get involved in.

OP has said they don't have a move on the cards. I'm in two minds about the children thing, that's pretty personal to a couple really and up to them what they choose to share or not.

I actually feel slightly sorry for you as you have tried to centre yourself on a post where the OP is distressed.

Maybe trying to help the OP rather than making her thread about you would help?

You didn’t answer the question though why can’t I be there for that conversation? Is she trying to get my husband to agree to something without discussing it with his wife? That’s not ok either

And children?? That’s insane that’s definitely not a mother son conversation. It’s not breathing down his neck. Literally I’m the other half of that equation and more so bc im the one who would’ve carrying said child 😂😂

She can have the conversation. They can literally discuss anything they want and you don’t get to control that. It’s what he does on the back of that conversation, that concerns you. If he comes to you and says “I spoke to my mum and I’ve rethought this whole baby thing” - that’s the part that you can involve yourself in/control.

How am I making the thread about me? You're the one that keeps quoting me and trying to tell me off! If anyone is making it about me it's you!

I and many other posters have for 35 pages now been trying to tell the OP that she needs to stop being so possessive and making her husband's promotion all about her and stop trying to make a pecking order of women. As the most recent replies show, she's not listening to anyone and keeps stamping her feet saying his mum can't have conversations with her son without her. Which is just insane. How do you help someone who won't see reason? She doesn't seem distressed to me, she seems to be determined to stake her claim.

Actually, how have YOU helped? I only see you berating people!

OP has said many many times that Mother & son have plenty of time together without OP throughout the year to talk about what they want, so I don’t know where you get the stamping her feet & saying they can’t have a conversation without OP being there.

Exactly. Why has the MIL turned this into a hill to die on? Not even her own DH understands why she’s so fixated on her DIL not being there. She’s at risk of alienating her DS as well, who wants his DW to celebrate his promotion with him. The meal is supposed to be about him, isn’t it? He should be able to have a say in who’s to be at the meal.

It isn’t as if she doesn’t get mother and son time with him either. Plenty of opportunities to talk to him when the OP isn’t around, when he’d probably be more receptive to what she’s saying.

Oh OP I couldn't stand this level of controlling behaviour from you. Just so suffocating and clingy!!!

I think that you need to examine what's really behind all this.

I think I know but I can't say because I'd probably get banned and I don't have the words to express it right now without possibly giving offence either to you or others because I really would have to frame it carefully.

Blimey OP, you don't half go on! Give it a rest for Pete's sake.

Advice from across the water.....

You’re not married to the OP and as she has been with the same person for many years & if they’re happy being & doing things together & living their life how they want to, then why on earth do you care?

Says another person who's reading this thread... Lol.

The attitude, being mean to OP is digesting. The results are bearing that out.

Eh?

I’m not the 1 doing the character assassination.

OP has said nothing to deserve that level of vitriol from you. You're clearly projecting your own feelings onto this.
Her own husband wants her there, how does that make her clingy?

Disgusting!

Just responding to her saying that she should be present when her dh discussed a move away with his mother.

Did your husband phone his mum yet for the conversation about why she's excluding you? I'd find it really weird and she hasn't responded to you yet?! Something funny going on.

No, she hasn’t. Her DH speaks to his DM regularly without the OP there. She thinks she should be included at a meal celebrating her DH’s promotion, and he happens to feel the same way.

Your response was ridiculously OTT.

How can they be grandparents if they didn't have children?

And if you mean most of your friends had children I don't see how it's the same

Obviously they had DC! I meant that quite a few of the parents I was friends with were now grandparents. Meaning that they no longer had DC living at home. (Hence mentioning my own age.)

But what did she say when your husband rang her???????? We need to move forward now surely instead of OP just repeating herself again and again to people who can’t be bothered to read the thread!

I think it's clear OP isn't going to answer this question after she's already ignored it at least five times.

I'm starting to think previous posters were right who said she does these threads regularly and it's not real it's just MIL rage bait.