AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

I will say the husband's response seems a bit too perfect IYSWIM.
I'd imagine most men would be rolling their eyes and thinking ffs sort out it yourselves. I've more important things to worry about like this promotion than an ultimately meaningless dinner.

And I wouldn't blame them, either.

Thank you, much appreciated 😊

And so can a husband and wife bond and we are married that should come first. Interesting that you frame it as I wasn’t willing to give in when I see it the other way around it’s ashame his mother tried to come between husband and wife and couldn’t include his wife and she also ruined the relationship with her son by not honoring and respecting his wish to have his wife and it’s not just the mother son bond but the close mil DIL bond that is affected

The notion that their relationship is ruined over a meal is utter bullshit.

The husband was the one who pushed back about the meal, and the MIL was the one who created the whole bizarre issue in the first place.
"Moaning and tiresome whinging wife" is also a very misogynist way to describe a woman.

Thank you, I’m perhaps not quite up to date on modern phraseology, thank you for correcting me so promptly and efficiently!

I have to say - I don't believe her. I have been with my DH since I was 19 and have a good relationship with my MiL. If my MiL and FiL had suddenly decided not to invite me to a meal out, having never done it before, there would be a reason relating to me personally and I'd want to know why in case there had been a perceived slight I wasn't aware of.

It's difficult to say but given the OP's hyperbolic, over the top insistence of her bond being stronger with her husband than her mil's (this is debatable) as if it's some sort of competition it's not unreasonable that MIL wants a night off from it.
OP's tone is so full on and intense. Is it just me that thinks this?

If my dh caused such drama over not being invited to a meal, he'd have to go. I couldn't stand it.
Or if I felt I had to make a fuss before he did else I'd cop some flak for not doing so.
I could possibly get another husband. I can NEVER get another mother.

They are being ridiculous. You are his life now and (as the mother of 2 married sons) my dils are precious and I couldn't disrespect them like that.

You seem to have your own issues!

Okay this is silly. Of course a happily married man will have a stronger bond and be closer to his wife than his mother.

Well this is what I mean. "Can't a mum just want to see her son on his own?" is always going to raise more questions. It isn't an answer in itself after getting on with the OP for 14 years or whatever. You've to be prepared to put your money where your mouth is.

Maybe but don't you find it odd that the wife needs to go on and on and on about it? "My bonds stronger than he's so there!"
It's not a competition.
They're two different sort of relationships. Any mature person can see that.

It's a thread for her to vent. I also think all the very goady comments riled her into trying to respond and get her point across, hence coming across as "going on".

Disagree. Even if I was put out about not being invited, I would not be going on about whose bond was stronger.
Who the heck would unless they viewed it as some sort of competition?

Nah, the MiL started this so-called her-vs-me thing off herself.

"When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening."

I fully agree with Spaceracoon. Just wondering if Blues and rainbows is the MIL? The OP has repeatedly explained to the hard of reading what. the situation is, including her DH frequent solo meetups with his parents AND wanting the OP at the dinner. Yet she is still being slammed for wishing to be included in celebration. No wonder she is getting exasperated with the repetitive "mummy comes first " drivel being trotted out.

OP I wish you well, you have a good husband who is standing up to this utter bullshit.

It would have been great if my husband said back, “you know what you’re right my a son is a son til he takes a wife so you should understand that means my wife will come first no questions asked.” And it took me out when my MIL said, “be JUST a son for one evening.” Basically saying, “cmon just forget your married for an evening and place your mother above your wife.”

But my MIL made it one with her son is a son til he takes a wife comment and be just a son for an evening and not a husband basically implying he can’t be both his status of son comes first and when my husband said he wants his wife included my mil instead of respecting that double down. It’s kinda like what’s more important to be kind or to be right and my mil chose (in her mind) to be “right.”

That’s great you think a mother and son bond is stronger than a husband wife bond and if that’s how you want to operate your marriage if you are married that’s fine I won’t argue that but I and many others on this thread and in real life don’t operate that way and view their marriage as the strongest bond they have and do everything to preserve that bond.

But didn’t you know divorce is for sure around the corner so you should always stay tied to mommy’s apron string as a man in case your marriage goes south. It’s weird to me if a guy were to say my bond with my mom is stronger and more important than our marriage I would return promptly with ok grow old and live with her then share a bed with her you aren’t married to your mother your married to me your wife. And I find it even stranger for a mother who would expect her married son to put her first. A decent mother would be proud her son stood by and stood up for his wife

Yes she probably said, "a son's a son till he takes a wife" to placate and agree with you that you are A1 top person, top banana, Queen in her son's life, but please can't I just be with him alone for one night? Pretty please oh Great One?

Status of son. Hierarchies, bonds? It's like Game of feckin' Thrones.

I say this kindly but you really need to stop being in competition with his mother because you clearly are.

Nope when she didn’t respect her son’s wishes to have his wife there and she doubled down making him choose she created that hierarchy. He is nearly 40 years old you really believe mommy should get a say in who her son wants at his ow celebration dinner??? If it was her celebration dinner sure but not when it’s her son. But she shown me her true colors and where she really values me and my feelings and that I’m valued less than other family members so while of course I’ll still be cordial and polite when I see her she can kiss those text messages and individual hangouts with me goodbye since she is showing I rate lower than others.

Of course you rate lower than her own son. Why on earth would you think otherwise?
I really feel for your DH and his family. Your relentless posting here and derogatory language eg "mommy" "big boy words" portray you as a controlling woman who speaks down to your DH. It's not surprising he backs you up all the time, he's probably scared of your reaction if he doesn't. You really should rein it in though. There may come a day when he has had enough and just disappears with no explanation.