AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

I think you are correct

Fair enough. I just don’t like the idea of his mom thinking she has a say in our married life whether that be if we move or not or if we have children or not and can influence my husband. Which is clearly what she would be trying to do and it’s a bit problematic that she thinks she has that ability. Obviously there would be a reason for that like she really thinks her son would listen to mommy over his wife. But you’re right as long as he doesn’t let his mom have sway in our marriage that’s the important thing and he doesn’t

He just got off the phone and she said she just wanted both parents to have him to theirselves for an evening and she is upset that he’s sooo loyal to me that it wasn’t even a question if I was upset about not being invited that bam he will refuse to even listen to his mother about going with just his parents. She said she understands his wife comes first but that doesn’t mean his mother’s feelings shouldn’t be given consideration. And she said she didn’t respond to my text because she’s upset with me for being upset.

Does she not see how rude that is? What has your husband said to her? And she's upset that you're upset?! She must have known this would upset you!

You are the same age as me Most of my friends never had children in the first place and that's what's I was talking about

I hope you do get to go to the meal after all because it’s not gonna be awkward at all is it 🤨 fucking hell ME ME ME

OP started a thread about an issue that affects her, I don't think it's any more me me me than 99% of the other threads on here.

Frankly his mother is being unkind. There’s just no need. It seems she is testing his loyalty. Such odd behaviour and it won’t end well for her IMO.

My husband said mom why is this your hill to die on this is upsetting your DIL that you love and care about like your own daughter yet you ignored her text message and won’t even have a conversation with her. I see you plenty alone but it’s my wife and I don’t want her excluded from the dinner and now the whole thing will be awkward so just forget it we aren’t doing the dinner. And I expect you to reach out to my wife who loves and cares about you so much to clear the air bc she is hurt and I’m hurt that you’re hurting wife

Great, problem solved. You are both as stubborn as each other tbh. Now you can move on as there will be no dinner.

Im hurt that my mil doesn’t care she hurt my feelings and would rather exclude me from the celebration than care about my feelings. Well at least I know where I stand with her and she can kiss that close one on one relationship I thought I had with her goodbye. All communication can go through her son since that’s all she cares about anyways

You also made it your hill to die on though. You could've just said it was a shame and let DH go and told him to have a nice time. Then got all the gossip and chat when he was home.

It’s mire though the shock given our close relationship that my mil didn’t show one ounce of concern about my feelings. Not once did she say oh no I’m sorry I hurt her feelings she knows I love her etc etc. When all these years she has shown she loves and cares about me and she says she sees me like a daughter well close family you claim to love you wouldn’t treat like that and you would care about

That sucks. But people let us down. We have to forgive and move on. Or guard ourselves so we are protected in the future.
Control what you can control.

Oh ffs. Really?
You do realise that relationships go through ups and downs? Even if there is a little sympathy that she didn't invite you.
You sound very young.

Or of course this could be the perfect reason not to talk to her again.
(I don't always blame people for not talking to their in laws by the way.)

I think that you need to be more your own person or get another interest to be honest and not give such a fuck about trivia like the Celebratory Promotional Meal ® which has now sadly gone into administration.

So are you going to ruin the next 2 decades of family ambience , or suck it up & let it be ?
Now your H has taken your side. & there is no meal.
Because your H will still have the same Mother, there will be Christmases & maybe Grandchildren.
Or keep her at arms length, refuse to see her & spoil your H’s relationship with his parents?
10 years down the line, if asked why you don’t have a relationship with your H’s parents, you can say, “it was over a restaurant invitation”.
Not really life shattering

OP, I get you. The concept of family means different things to different people. The posters who are being critical can only give you an opinion based on their experiences. But these are not yours so I won’t diminish them and how you feel.

My only advice is to find a place where you can mentally and emotionally accept the reality of your relationship with your MIL and make peace with it. And then get on having a fabulous life with your DP. She doesn’t need to be included in any of the decisions you make together. If she wants a say then so be it. Smile, ignore and do what you both want!

I come from a culture where the DIL has an important position within the family and absolutely included in every decision and important life event. They are never treated as strangers. To do so would be disrespectful. I married outside my culture and my MIL was very hard work. She was resentful that I was my DH’s priority. After many tears I came to the realisation I couldn’t change her opinion of me no matter what I did and once I was at peace with that I just let all her drama wash over me. For me accepting the problem was her and not me made it easier. I remained civil and polite to her all the way to the end.

Your MIL has really shot herself in the foot by doubling down on wanting to exclude you from the celebratory dinner. She has ruined your previously close relationship and will now need to live with the consequences of her actions.

That sounds terribly dramatic. What consequences?

It's not "just over a restaurant invitation" though, is it?
It's what that shows in terms of deeper feelings, and notions of 'family' and 'other'. OP has expressed this clearly through multiple updates.
You may not agree with her, but according to the vote the majority do.

It seems to me that as MIL has explained that this is not was about disliking OP and that it was not personal just wanting time with their son the reasonable response would be to mutually acknowledge that the whole thing had been a misunderstanding and 'kiss and make up'.

Unless OP was just looking for a reason not to talk to her MIL ever again and this is the perfect reason not to but of course in order to do this the level of outrage on OP's part must be turned up to 11. Forever.

The voting doesn't mean anything unless those that have voted have kept up with the entire thread.

MiL didn't explain it in those terms.

FiL didn't understand why his wife had made such a bizarre decision over the invite either.

And if you hadn’t taken such a ridiculous stance and had been the bigger person in the beginning OP, the meal would be over and done with, you could have had a chat with your OH about it afterwards and gone through the whole process with a smile and a generous attitude.
Instead you’ve become a moaning and tiresome whinging wife, who has now successfully destroyed her husbands relationship with his mother, I hope you’re feeling really pleased with yourself.
I suppose you think you’ve won the prize, I’d tread very carefully if I were you, a mother and son bond can also be very strong indeed.