16 year old horrible daughter

[teenmayhem]

Really need some help I’m at my Whitts end.

I’ve got 2 teen daughters. 16 in a few weeks and 14.

i had my nearly 16 years old when I was just 17. Obviously this isn’t good but I was determined to make it work. I did. I’m now 33 and I can honestly say i gave up all my young life. I’ve never had a girls holiday, hardly any nights out things like that. Every penny has gone on my kids that I’ve had. I’ve given them good birthdays, loved them, clothed them, housed them, fed them well the basics. Her dad was never up to much. She saw him but he gave minimal and focused on his new family which was fine. No animosity.

as she’s got older she’s become terrible at school. Answering teachers back, swearing at them, refusing to do anything they say etc. she’s the same with me.
she doesn’t go out much but when she asks I let her. All she’s bothered about is her phone. If I ask for it when she’s cheeky she says no. I ask her to clean her room she sits and cries and says how bad her life is with me ??

anyway the problem I’ve had is my parents have always been in completion with me. They’ve always tried to groom her. If I bought her a £40 school coat they’d go and buy her a £200 superdry one. She comes back from their house with air pods, expensive gifts she’s not earnt. They send her parcels to my house of gifts for no reason. They’ve really spoilt her and I’ve spent 16 years trying to fight this and tell them no, I want her to appreciate and value money and earn such things. They don’t listen. She rings them crying and giving a sob story and they go against me every time and rescue her. It’s a no win battle.

we had a big argument 2 weeks ago and she went to her dads. Her dad is loving it as he feels powerful that daughter finally wants him. He takes her to my parents without asking me and they’ve all totally pushed me out I don’t know what to do.
I move house tomorrow and I’ve got her new bedding all sorts hoping she’ll come and she’s not interested.
her dads booked her a holiday this summer and she said “dads booked a holiday something you could never do” and she called me a “hoe”
Ive done everything for this child. She’s told everyone I told her to k i l l herself which isn’t true. She’s made some horrible lies up. And everyone believes her.
she’s 16 in a few weeks do I fight this or wash my hands of it. It sounds awful but I just can’t take it.

my 14 year old has been raised the same and she’s wonderful. She’s helpful in the house. Kind and thoughtful. Amazing at school. However my parents haven’t really bothered with her. She’s been raised just by me. (The girls have different dads)
my 16 years old has been my parents golden egg favourite. No idea why.

they don’t give her any rules or boundaries or jobs nothing. Where as I teach them to be self serving because I’m not going to be here forever. Simple things like sort your laundry. Keep your room clean. Where as my mum treats her like a baby still.

im so stressed and so low. She does have glimpses of niceness. A few months ago she said to me..
mum you always did such a great job even when you was so young with very little. To this ?
what would you do

You need to take her phone away, for a starter. She is addicted to it. You also need to have a serious word with your parents - stop buying her things that you have already bought.

I hope it improves. Your parents are not helping at all and I would consider the relationship there.

Do your parents send presents for your younger daughter as well? If not, do you have any idea why that might be?

Anyway, it sounds like it's time for your elder daughter to go and live with dad for a while. He can enjoy the pleasure of her company. I certainly wouldn't be trying to bribe her with new bedding or anything else.

My parents done treat the younger one any where near the same. I can’t take her phone she won’t physically hand it over and she says I can’t control her anymore because she’s 16

It’s difficult but I would let her be where she wants to be. Make it clear that you would love her back home, but maybe the best place for you both now isn’t there. Put in boundaries “I want you here, but not if you speak to me the way you have been”. Model strength to her. Make it clear you love her, but that doesn’t mean she can take advantage. Don’t bad mouth her. Especially to your other child (not saying you do btw). Always be prepared to start again with her.

Who pays for the phone?

Honestly this is what a lot of teens are like.
many of them do go through a very difficult phase.

you are in a difficult situation as she can just go to dad or go to grandmas. So in all likelihood if you take the phone she will be given a new one.

so you need to start with persuasion. For example saying “I ask you to do your laundry because when you are grown up and living in a house share you need to know how to do it and I want you to have the skills you need as an adult”.

etc etc.

you can’t stop dad or grandma giving presents.

My mum and dad of course! They went out and got her the best iPhone contract you can imagine. Without asking me

I would let her live with her Dad and encourage her to come to you a couple of times per weeks to visit and stay over if she wishes. Stop picking up the rope to fight with her but still give boundaries in your home and around her treatment of you.

Did the pastoral care/safeguarding in school intervene when things escalated?
Are you sure you haven't been over touch on her and your parents are compensating? What was your other DD's dad like, when did he disappear?
You need to build a positive relationship rather than punishment and wanting hardship for your children. Do you think that she's felt loved?

Are you her parent or her friend?

I’d stop paying her phone…send her off to her dad on a permanent basis then let out a loud cheer.

Stop everything other than bare minimum. She doesn't appreciate it so why waste your money, time and effort.
You arent going to win against them so don't try to. The damage is done. They've done this for 16yrs they won't change now so all you can do is change the dynamic of it.
Acting nonchalant (even if something really annoys / angers you) will go along way too. 💐

It sounds v difficult

If she wishes to live with her Dad for a bit, I think you have to respect that

Keep the door open. She may well come back

It’s a crappy age, they’re oblivious to the real world these days. Let her go fuck around and find out. You’ll never make her see what you’ve done for her she’ll need to go live life and realise for herself. Try to focus on your younger one and have some fun with her, time for her dad to have a turn. It’s horrible but she’ll come round in her own time, the more you push the more it’ll drive her away. It’s natural for teens to be repelled by their primary parent at this age, time for you to let her go and see what else is out there. Hope the move goes well

Pack her off to live with her father or your parents. Her behaviour is vile and at 16 nothing you will do can get through to her. She calls you a hoe? Send her to live with them.

Teenage years are often hardest on the eldest, she is the guinea pig. Your younger one you are able to manage much better based on your first.

There is also ages, your 14 yr old could well go through a similar phase when she is 16. A lot of this is very common amongst teens. While hormones are raging, they also undergo emotional distancing from their parent so that they actively want to leave home and become independent. This means more arguments as a teen will have their own opinions, more pushing boundaries and defiance against parental authority. Teens are also a bit selfish and will take any freebies they can get and are exercising their abilities to convince others to give them what they want. Try to view it as her testing survival tactics for the future, you’d want her to question other adults, to call bullshit when she thinks someone is giving her bullshit. She is testing her adult skills on you, because you are safe and it’s the last step to becoming an adult amongst other adults.

So, you’ve not parented wrong, her grandparents haven’t either. She is not spoiled, this is a phase almost all teens go through at some point. Some start earlier, some start later, some go longer, some go quicker.

But they alll come back to being nice, stable adults and appreciative of their mum.

This letting go is painful to the parent and the child, as is the renegotiation of the relationship which is transitioning from parent-child to adult-adult.

My advice is keep loving her, give her space and she will come out of her cocoon as a great adult daughter.

This. Nothing you will do will make a difference

Drop the rope. Be supportive of her living with dad. That’s nice, I hope you are having a wonderful time, let me know when you’re free to meet up for coffee and a chat.

Stop the arguments and pretend you’re fine with it all. But if she wants to come home, you will have to set ground rules for behaviour.

There might be a better relationship with her if you don’t live together.

If she does go to her dad's for a bit or grandparents she will eventually revert to how she behaves with you and they will have to try to set boundaries themselves. It will feel like a slap in the face but continue to tell her you live her and would love her to stay with you when she wants to but as PP have said, maintain boundaries around behaviour, chores etc.

The phone is probably a losing battle, if she won't hand it over you and you can't reason with her there's no point in fighting - you're not going to physically take it from her as that will just escalate to something horrible. Can you change the WiFi password? She will have to use data and that will impact on whoever is paying her phone bill.

If you can talk to her dad and your parents about this it might help to calmly put your side over before your DD muddies the water with things which may be exaggerated.

I'd let her go. You won't win anything while they openly disrespect you to her. Your best bet to salvage a future relationship with her in the future is to not play their games now.
Tell her that you respect her decision and are excited to hear about her holiday.
If she insults you, then tell her there is no need to be so rude.
I think that once your mum and your ex don't have an exciting rivalry with you and aren't hurting you anymore, they will be left with a surly teenager as a prize.

This sounds very difficult. I think it’s best to back off a bit, she can stay with her dad/your parents if she wants.
put your attention into your younger daughter, your other daughter will come and go as she pleases and will eventually come back to you.

i would also speak to your parents about the clear favouritism and ask them why? If they can’t start showing your younger daughter the same sort of attention I would start shielding your daughter from them, this sort of behaviour from your parents is damaging.
do you have any siblings?

Being disrespectful and disruptive at school and calling your mother a "hoe" is not normal teenage behaviour. I've no idea why people would think so. So don't excuse it or pass it off.
Please arrange a meeting with school about her behaviour, and steps moving forward.
I agree with pp that you, her dad and the GPs need to be working together more - can you start those conversations?

As long as she is safe with dad leave her there. Invite her round/out for tea once or twice a week and try and build a better relationship with her. Getting into power battles at 16 when you have her dad and grandparents working against you is pointless and will just feed in to the conflict.

She's 16, seems to think she's the big I am and I'd bet it's because she has her Grandparents and dad backing her.

But, they haven't lived with her long term, they don't always see the side you do, the real side that can take you to your knees and have you pulling your hair out.

Leave her where she is, tell them all you'll respect her choice that she wants to live with her dad and spend time with your younger DD.
They'll either ship her back, or shape her up.

She’s called you a hoe? No no no. Come down on her hard and talk to your ex and parents about a punishment. That is disgusting behaviour.

also if she wants to move out and live with your ex or your parents. Let her. They will see what she is really like and she will see the grass isnt always greener. She and your parents and ex need a reality check of dealing with a rude 16 year old.

This! Definitely show your support for her living with her dad. Then you cant be seen as the bad guy when it all goes wrong.