Man I’m seeing has just told me he has genital herpes.

[Sarah24x]

I’ve recently started seeing a guy for around 2 months. All seemed great and he seems lovely.

Tonight he has disclosed he has genital herpes. 😫Says he hasn’t had an outbreak in years and it isn’t a big deal as he’s on medication.

The thing is I’ve already had unprotected sex with him (took an std test which was clear and I’m on contraception).

AIBU to be fuming he didn’t tell me before I slept with him? To make things worse he’s a doctor so knows the risks.

Is there a chance I could have caught it if he’s had no active coldsores and on antivirals?

Any advice appreciated!

https://herpes.org.uk/

yes you are right to be annoyed he didn’t tell you.

I would really really try not to panic I’ve had two partners with herpes who were honest and used antivirals the chance of transmission is very very low when using meds and no outbreak.

and won’t show herpes FYI. Only a specific blood test would give this result and due to the incubation time is likely not to show regardless.

I have this, I always always disclosed BEFORE any sexual activity. I wasn’t given that courtesy by a cheating ex, which is how I ended up with it myself, so I get a real bee in my bonnet over this

You can’t ever be certain with it as there’s a lot of people have it and have no idea, it’s not included in standard STI screening and can only be reliably diagnosed during an active outbreak or a specific antibody blood test. Then there’s the fact that oral herpes can spread genitally too and many people don’t consider this.

If he knew he’s positive, he should inform you before, no excuses. I’d bin him over this. Not because of the heroes, for the dishonesty.

if he’s genuinely on antivirals the risk is low, but still isn’t zero. It’s very unlikely so don’t stress too much over it, but any signs over the coming weeks you can get tested if you should develop symptoms

Hope this helps

Get checked and and use contraception i cant beleive you need to be told

He should have told you before you slept together. That was out of order. However, go to official webaites and read up on facts. I found out i had it almost 20 years ago. I am married with children and it isnt the sentence i thought it was at the time.
However it wasnt disclosed to me at the time so i can understand your anger. On the other hand, you may already have it with no symptoms.
It is wrong that you weren't told

He’s a bastard to not tell you before. I couldn’t forgive that. It’s not for him to say it’s not a big deal. It doesn’t have to be and it may not be for him, but you should get to decide that for yourself.

Standard STD tests won’t test for herpes, including at a clinic. You need a specific blood test for that or any sores need to be swab tested.

It can still be passed on even without an active outbreak and when on antivirals.

I would dump him because of the deceit.

I’d be annoyed too, but it was a very silly risk to take. Do you believe that he’s on the medication?

Yes to contraception, but condoms don’t always protect against herpes.

If he's a doctor he should know better. I'd dump for receipt.

Asymptomatic shedding is a thing and he should have disclosed, especially before not using a condom. What a pos.

Go get tested specifically for herpes.

Thanks all. Yes I was stupid not to use condoms.

I said thanks for letting me know when he told me as I didn’t know it was possible to catch even if he’s on antivirals and no active outbreak. 😫He thanked me for being understanding.

I really think this level of deceit is unforgivable. Especially as it’s a lifelong std.

How do I end things? I was thinking of sending a message saying I’ve researched the risks and wish he had informed me before intimacy.

Tell him he's a piece of shit for not disclosing he had herpes before having sex without a condom.

That's informed consent! He knows better. Asshole.

Would you have had unprotected sex if you knew he had herpes? If not, he violated your right to consent by not telling you he had a STI.

That's big. I'd nuke him for that shit

I definitely wouldn't have if he I had known. It’s my own fault for not using a condom. 😣

What a lying bastard he is, OP. That's disgusting, to take away your ability to give informed consent. How dare he??

I think if he's on antivirals you should be okay – there's always a chance, even when someone isn't showing symptoms, but I imagine on antivirals it's a very small risk. I wouldn't worry myself sick, but I would get tested, if I were you.

I'd be ropeable and tell him exactly what I thought of him, tricking someone into sex and lying by omission – barely a step up from rape – and then I'd ditch him. The prick.

You should have used a condom, but even if you had, he should still have disclosed before you ever had sex.

Dump him, and let him know exactly why, he doesn't deserve better.

Should you use condoms regardless

Oh good lord - why do women always think it is their fault? What craziness is this?

Condoms only reduce the risk, not eliminate it. But yes, otherwise I agree.

That's not a reason not to use a condom. Condoms don't eliminate the risk of pregnancy either ( DD is proof of this). You still be an idiot not to use them though.

There are really only selfish reasons for only telling you after you've had sex

Just tell him that

I agree it's very shoddy of him not to have told you. If the information would've stopped you having sex, then he's violated your consent. I'm not going to tell you how strongly to feel about that.

However ... I have it. I've never had a full outbreak, just a small sore spot when I'm run down. And I've had a fairly serious fatigue condition for decades, which still hasn't resulted in an outbreak (🤞)

From the info site linked above:

1. Genital herpes is caused by a herpes simplex virus (type 1 or type 2) – nearly everyone will catch at least one type, sooner or later. This means 7 out of 10 by age 25.
2. Most don’t know they have it. Only 1 in 3 will have symptoms and get diagnosed. Two out of three have such mild symptoms, they don’t get diagnosed – or they have no symptoms at all.

So ... weigh it up according to your personal criteria.

Being a female i am responsible for my own body no one else is

If you discussed sti,s and risk etc before having unprotected sex and he didn't disclose this, then it is non consensual sex imo.
You must be in shock, op. It's not your fault.

Are you saying it’s ok that he didn’t disclose then?

How do you end it?

You end it by telling him you no longer want to continue a relationship with someone who didn't give you full information about their sexual health before having sex with you i.e. he deceived you.

I don't know how you could ever trust him again.