Man I’m seeing has just told me he has genital herpes.

[Sarah24x]

I’ve recently started seeing a guy for around 2 months. All seemed great and he seems lovely.

Tonight he has disclosed he has genital herpes. 😫Says he hasn’t had an outbreak in years and it isn’t a big deal as he’s on medication.

The thing is I’ve already had unprotected sex with him (took an std test which was clear and I’m on contraception).

AIBU to be fuming he didn’t tell me before I slept with him? To make things worse he’s a doctor so knows the risks.

Is there a chance I could have caught it if he’s had no active coldsores and on antivirals?

Any advice appreciated!

I'd actually be more blunt and say "you should have told me about your condition. I should have had the right to know what I was getting into. You might feel comfortable becayse you are using meds but I deserved all the information. I'm afraid I cant be with someone who would withold this until after we slept together. That's a deal breaker I'm afraid. "
He needs to hear the blunt truth so he doesn't do it again to another person

Edit: just saw you messaged him op, you did the right thing. Sorry it ended that way for you.

I agree with you about it affecting some people more than others, but disagree that I am downplaying or being dismissive, I am trying to counteract the approach I often see on Mumsnet, that herpes is the worst thing ever. Hence constantly encouraging people to look at the HVA site.
Edited to add: we carry many viruses that we cannot get rid of, for instance, chickenpox that can re-emerge as shingles which could give someone chicken pox, and if that person was a non immune pregnant woman then there could be very serious consequences for the pregnancy. But of all the viruses we carry for life, herpes seems to be the only one that causes the reaction I see on Mumsnet. Possibly because it is sexually acquired which seems to make it the worst thing ever.

I think the HVA site is pushing an agenda, saying that "The word ‘incurable’ is used to make it seem important when it isn’t", and grouping HSV1 and 2 together.

Ultimately, while many people may have HSV1 or 2, and are lucky enough to be unaware or have few outbreaks, it's important to be transparent about any STIs you may have. I think it's possible for something to be a 'big deal' without being life ruining or the worst thing ever. It just means it needs to be treated responsibly.

Saying it's not a big deal or 'everyone has it' can lead to situations such as the one OP found herself in, where her boyfriend thought he shouldn't have to disclose because it's such a minor issue.

I think it's more because chickenpox can be vaccinated against, while herpes can't be.

this is not something I could forgive. It's for you to make the decision about the level of risk involved not him. It actually means you didn't consent to that sexual encounter which is really serious.

I only used chicken pox as an example, perhaps I should have said Epstein Barr, or cytomegalovirus

The non disclosure for me would be the deal breaker.
The herpes itself, if he is on antivirals he is unlikely to transmit and tbh it’s just a skin condition. It would be the virus that bothered me but the violation of my choice over my own body

Imo you're both in the wrong because neither of you disclosed the infections diseases you carry.

You have herpes in your mouth, you could give him herpes on his genitals.

You don't know WHICH strain you have, you just know where it is.

You both carry infectious diseases.

Honestly I think it's disgraceful how nonchalant people who have herpes are. You should be telling people they can catch a lifelong infection that could seriously harm or kill their future children before kissing. It's selfish and lazy. You're far less likely to pass genital herpes onto someone so I'd be more concerned about oral herpes anyway.

why not tell you before he had unprotected sex? That’s very unfair. STD tests don’t pick up herpes but you’d have a flare up if you caught it so hopefully you haven’t as he hasn’t had a flare. I’d be pretty hacked off he didn’t tell you before unprotected sex.

I had them twice at around the age of 13. This was before I had ever kissed someone or had any sexual activity so it definitely wasn’t HSV-2. I haven’t had one since in over 15 years.

I do think there’s a big difference between hiding the fact you have genital herpes to having a coldsore as a child 15 years ago.

Sometimes it’s passed to children by being kissed by parents / relatives. It’s not always passed on sexually. It doesn’t matter that it was years ago, the virus stays in your system for life. Lots of people with either GH or facial cold sores only have one of two outbreaks and then nothing visible again.

You can’t say for definite if you have HSV-1 or HSV-2 as you don’t know who you caught it from and you don’t know what strain they had. You COULD have HSV-2, which is less likely to recur on the mouth than HSV-1.

I hope you will be informing all future partners that you have it.

He's a doctor?
What a piece of shit he is.
I wish you the best.

OP is on contraception

I would suggest what with him being a doctor and on antivirals, and describing what he has (after having slept with OP without a condom) as genital herpes, that he has HSV-2.

That's because you're ignorant about it. Some people do have bad cases of 1 and some have 2 and don't know. There's very little serological testing because in the vast majority of cases nobody cares and least said soonest mended.

I'm ignorant about it!

You think, as a doctor, that he would be ignorant about his own diagnosis?

He wouldn’t know unless he paid for a private blood test. An assumption would usually be made based on symptoms but the NHS don’t usually test to find out which strain. I don’t think doctors get special treatment at STD clinics.

People on the thread have explained that outbreaks don’t always decrease over time or get milder. My friend who has had multiple outbreaks in the last couple of years isn’t immunosuppressed and it’s really impacted her life due to the symptoms and frequency of those symptoms. Through a support group, she knows lots of people with that experience.

I would think, as a doctor, he would have the nous to do a simple swab test on a lesion the first time it occurred. This would be sent to pathology and tell him if he has HCV1 or 2 or both. It's not that complicated.

The NHS doesn't test for it normally so he'd probably need his own lab?

Need his own lab...

I don't know what the NHS does or doesn't test for, but in other countries there is a swab test. A quick online search showed me multiple hospital trusts in the UK offering PCR viral swab testing for HSV strains, though.

In the UK they don't serotype because there's no clinical reason to do so because symptomatically they can both manifest exactly the same things.

I know it is upsetting psychologically for some people not to be able to "other" those with the genital manifestation but that's just the way it is. Almost everyone is infected but most people are fortunate enough never to realise.

It is pretty startling to learn how some people still are about sexual health. I suppose it is a complicated area.

The NHS Inform website says: "If you have visible blisters, your doctor or nurse may take a swab for testing. This is to check if it’s herpes and what type." So I assume they can and often do check the type?

Almost everyone is infected but most people are fortunate enough never to realise.

This is simply not true.

They can but almost never do. It's not a standard protocol because, as above, it doesn't matter what kind you have.

The location of the infection can be relevant (facial is a much higher risk for complications of the eye or brain).

Almost everyone is infected with one or the other (sorry if this is bothersome to think about).