Man I’m seeing has just told me he has genital herpes.

[Sarah24x]

I’ve recently started seeing a guy for around 2 months. All seemed great and he seems lovely.

Tonight he has disclosed he has genital herpes. 😫Says he hasn’t had an outbreak in years and it isn’t a big deal as he’s on medication.

The thing is I’ve already had unprotected sex with him (took an std test which was clear and I’m on contraception).

AIBU to be fuming he didn’t tell me before I slept with him? To make things worse he’s a doctor so knows the risks.

Is there a chance I could have caught it if he’s had no active coldsores and on antivirals?

Any advice appreciated!

Thats what has upset me! I felt bad for him when he was saying how much it affects his self esteem. Then I thought, hang on a minute, what have I done to deserve giving it to me then! I’ve been nothing but kind to him.

Also sorry a dumb question to all but I have young dc and I’m worried if I have caught it, could I have passed it onto them by kissing their cheeks etc?

Hsv-1 can be passed on to your genitals very easily through oral sex. This is then classed in the statistics as genital herpes. It’s not minimising as such but that is the fact people aren’t concerned over catching a cold sore but people aren’t asking those if they do oral sex if they have coldsores. A lot of genital herpes cases now are HSV-1

Forgot to say, he said he’s never had mouth coldsores only ‘down below’. Does that mean it’s hsv-2 or could it be either?

This is so sad to read.
Some of us repulsive people are happily married, with children, living normal lives. I felt sad and betrayed when i had the first outbreak (cheating ex). However id have regretted putting my dating life on hold.
I hope you can find a way to think yourself worthy.
You are not repulsive.

Yes, HSV1 is not the main cause of genital herpes as it prefers the mouth, and if one already has it orally that provides some immunity against contracting it genitally. It also causes less frequent, milder outbreaks.

HSV2 can infect a person orally, but mainly causes genital herpes, and is more severe.

People should definitely ask about whether their partner gets cold sores before receiving oral sex.

It could be either because he could have caught it from oral sex by someone with a coldsore or he’s caught it off someone but they caught it from a cold sore

It's most likely HSV2, especially given he feels he needs antivirals to suppress it, but it could be HSV1.

If you had cold sores as a child and no outbreaks since, it's possible to asymptomatically pass it to your children, but not likely. And I believe not via cheek kisses, but don't quote me! They'd have an outbreak though, I think, so if they haven't then you likely haven't passed it along.

Personally I take L-Lysine (as it's good for you anyway!) to avoid any outbreaks and perhaps minimise viral load, despite only having had 4 cold sore outbreaks in my life.

ETA: In a way, getting HSV1 orally isn't necessarily a bad thing, as it provides some immunity against contracting it genitally 😅

It sounds like it's probably HSV2, but the only way to know for sure is by testing during sn active outbreak - which he may have done at some point.

@Sarah24x it depends how he caught it. If someone with a cold sore gave him oral sex it could have been passed that way, in which case it would be hsv 1. If he had never been exposed to hsv 1 then it can be transmitted through oral sex. This generally means if you already have cold sores then you would not be able to catch hsv 1 genitally as your body has already been exposed to the virus. But hsv 2 is passed genital to genital. Generally hsv 1 genitally results in fewer outbreaks than hsv 2.

I do lead a normal happy life, I just don’t date because of it and I’ve got used to the idea of being alone now. I also have a child from that same ex as I stayed with him as he told me no one else would want me now. I hate having it and I do feel utterly repulsive because of it. But if a friend told me they had it I wouldn’t think they were repulsive, I wouldn’t think any different of them. If I were to tell a potential partner and they were fine with it I just know I couldn’t deal with potentially passing it onto them because I know how awful it makes me feel and how it makes dating much more difficult and I’d feel too guilty. I didn’t mean to cause offence, I don’t think of others as repulsive, it’s just how it makes me feel about myself

Did he explain why he didn't tell you before you had sex with him?
Even if the element of risk is small with antivirals and lack of symptoms its deceptive not to have told you before intimacy.
Deception breaches trust and that is difficult to get over.
He had unprotected sex with you knowing he had HSV (regardless of how much risk of transmission in his individual circumstances ) he should have told you before intimacy so you could decide how you want ed to proceed.
I had a friend in your situation only the infection was HIV (he was HIV positive,on medication and asymptomatic with low viral load) he didnt tell my friend until after they had sex (unprotected) even though she knew the risk was very small she felt unable to trust him and this ended the relationship.

When I'm in charge of the world, people who obtain sex by deception will be fired into the sun.

I'd be telling poor Mr Low Self Esteem you're considering reporting him to his regulator. Even if you have no intention of doing so, it will make him sweat for a few days, he deserves to have some additional stress and worry out of this.

This happened to me, he told me after we’d slept together unprotected. Stupidly I carried on seing him until he turned out to be a complete prick.
Looking back it was obvious from that behaviour he was a bad egg and I should have dumped him straight away.

Don’t be nice about it
I would go apeshit he is a doctor and should know better. - what is it - do no harm

he’s an entitled piece of shit who thinks his need to get his dick wet overrides your health

he knew you wouldn’t have sex with him if he told you
so he is obtaining sex by deception and he thinks that’s ok to do
wouldn’t want him as my doctor let alone as a partner

You’re right to be fuming he didn’t tell you. And it has to be HSV-2 based on how he describes it. It’s not informed consent.

Even as a doctor, his relaxed attitude is sadly a reflection of HOW sexist the approach can be within medicine to treating genital herpes in the UK (will explain based on my personal experience). It’s treated as not a big deal - because it isn’t for men - whereas it can be life changing for women as they experience outbreaks more frequently and with worse symptoms. It isn’t even tested for as part of a standard NHS STD test because it’s considered so prevalent there’s no point trying to limit transmission m and it is not a public health issue (?!).

My personal experience: my (now) husband and I got tested for STDs before we had unprotected sex (not realising HSV 2 isn’t included on a standard NHS test) and then after our “all clear” we had unprotected sex once. A few days later he had a first outbreak of herpes with viral symptoms etc. I was horrified thinking I had given it to him without knowing I had it myself.

I went to the NHS GP who was useless and then went to see a private sexual health specialist. This specialist advised that we both get a private blood test for long term antibodies. If you’ve had HSV 2 for more than 3 months then long term antibodies show up in your blood. And she had seen it before where it can lie dormant until having sex with a new, uninfected partner which can trigger an immune system reaction and the first outbreak. That is exactly what had happened in our case: my husband had long term antibodies and I didn’t. The first time having sex with me unprotected triggered his first outbreak.

What happened next nearly cost us our relationship. The private specialist - a woman - told me that it wasn’t something I needed to worry about provided he took daily antivirals and we used condoms. The antivirals alone are 97% effective at preventing transmission and those statistics include people who have very frequent outbreaks (and therefore shed more infected cells/higher transmission rate). My husband had only ever had one outbreak so he likely didn’t fall into the high transmission / shedder category. And to just abstain for one week after any future outbreak he may have.

My husband in the meantime spoke to one of his best (male) friends who is an NHS infectious diseases specialist. This friend told him he didn’t need to “bother” taking the antivirals as the risks outweigh the benefits especially as so many people have herpes. I went mad when he repeated this to me. My husband went back to his friend, who then referred him to a private sexual health consultant who specialises in this to discuss it further.

I was frantic when I looked up the name of this sexual health consultant - this man was a footnote in an academic article, saying it used to be the leading view (due to the work of this man) that the risks of antivirals aren’t worth the benefits but that is now considered outdated and antivirals are prescribed.

My husband was very reluctant to take antivirals and I assumed our relationship would end. It was a red line for me. A friend of mine has HSV 2 with monthly outbreaks and she hasn’t had a relationship since catching it.

Anyway as luck would have it, that particular consultant (dinosaur!) had retired and my husband instead saw a female consultant at the same clinic. She told him in no uncertain terms that if he is sexually active he must take daily antivirals.

If I can reassure you at all in relation to your own exposure: in six years I have never caught HSV 2 from him, and this includes the last two years where we’ve had unprotected sex trying to conceive (we used condoms before). The antivirals are very effective. He has a flare about once a year to every 18 months, and we abstain during that time.

If I were in your position:

1. I would feel horrendously violated and say that in no uncertain terms to him
2. in all likelihood you will be fine, but go to your GP or local sexual health clinic (the workers in sexual health clinics are always so lovely), tell them what happened and ask for them to pre emptively prescribe you antivirals just in case you get an outbreak. At the first sign of any sort of symptoms, you take the antivirals and the faster your take them, the more it curtails both the strength of the first outbreak and any future outbreaks you may get so it is important to have them handy.
3. wait at least 3 months and then get the blood antibodies test. That can reassure you (hopefully) that you didn’t catch it from this man
4. don’t blame yourself for not using a condom. It never occurred to me either about the herpes risk

I’m so sorry but I’m really hopeful you will be ok at least physically, and I’m so sorry you were treated in this way xxxx

It's illegal to fail to disclose an STD prior to having sex with someone, OP.

What he did was unforgivable. Send him a text to let him know that the law states he should have disclosed this to you beforehand, and if he has infected you, then it would be considered Grievous Bodily Harm in the eyes of the law and he can be prosecuted for it.

Hope you're ok OP. I'd recommend getting a Herpes blood test (and a check up with a gynaecologist) just to make sure.

He only told you after? Unforgivable. End it.

Unless the man raped you or managed to slip the condom off unawares, then it is your sexual health IS your responsibility as a woman, in the same way a man is responsible for his sexual health.

Feminism fought for women’s rights, but with rights comes responsibility!

What the man did was shit, and I’d advise the OP to finish with him on the basis of this, but I very much doubt you could get the man charged with GBH for this!

Please look at the Herpes Virus Association website given in the first post, it makes my heart sink when it's referred to as 'a lifelong STD', it's a virus that can lie dormant, even when you have an outbreak it lasts about 5 days, the first outbreaks are usually the worst, they decrease over time and are much milder, so mild that you may not realise you are having an outbreak, and unless you are immunosuppressed it won't cause long term harm.
The stigma around this virus is much worse than the actions of the virus itself imo.

Do you have the actual law on this?

I doubt very much this is true as lots of people show no symptoms so the OP could already have it for all she knows (and does have at least one strain as she gets cold sores). I doubt it would be possible to prove in a court of law exactly when transmission took place.

It can lie dormant. Or it may cause frequent, even monthly outbreaks, depending on the individual.

Someone I know has oral herpes that, even with antivirals, frequently has an outbreak every time she gets her period, and looks unsightly, and is quite painful. And someone else who isn't on antivirals and has oral herpes outbreaks several times every winter that are very bad if not treated immediately.

It really depends on the individual, so while most people might not find oral herpes to be a big deal (like me), it can be a terrible blight for some people – and until you get it, you don't know which you'll be.

And once you have it, you can never get rid of it.

So it's best not to be dismissive of it, or downplay it.

God while his behaviour was that of a maniac and he should be avoided on that basis, the herpes handwringing is really silly.

Hsv1 and 2 can't really be distinguished from symptoms.

Women don't "suffer more than men" physically (although arguably yes more from the stigma and I think most men just ignore the fact that they have it and will enjoy sex regardless).

A lot of people have it without knowing, including people banging on about how awful it must be.

If you have sex and have had more than a couple of partners you've been exposed at some point.

The problem here is that he's a selfish freak who will definitely do selfish things then moan about his self esteem when called out