Man I’m seeing has just told me he has genital herpes.

[Sarah24x]

I’ve recently started seeing a guy for around 2 months. All seemed great and he seems lovely.

Tonight he has disclosed he has genital herpes. 😫Says he hasn’t had an outbreak in years and it isn’t a big deal as he’s on medication.

The thing is I’ve already had unprotected sex with him (took an std test which was clear and I’m on contraception).

AIBU to be fuming he didn’t tell me before I slept with him? To make things worse he’s a doctor so knows the risks.

Is there a chance I could have caught it if he’s had no active coldsores and on antivirals?

Any advice appreciated!

Are you sure he is a real Doctor?
He has taken a huge risk in ruining his career for this. If he was stupid enough to have unprotected sex but then admit that he possibly infected you with a very serious lifelong virus, surely that would be detrimental to his career.
Book yourself in for a full STI screening.

Is this not illegal? Sleeping with someone while knowingly having an std, and a doctor aswell? Vile.

Because it's your body and no-one is going to care about your body and health as much as you. It's not a 'women always thinking they're at fault' thing, it's about every individual making sure they take steps to protect themselves and not rely on others to have their best interests at heart, regardless of the genders involved.

A quick google suggests that a UK doctor knowing and withholding this information is very serious and potentially career ending.

The OP has evidence that he knew before they had sex and didnt tell her so what she chooses to do with that information, especially for his next victim(s), is up to her.

What a callow man.

I agree

Its not 'very serious', relax. Loads of people have it and live normal lives. Its not a death sentence 🤣
However i do think if you know you have it you should always say before sex. Wrong not to.

Condoms wouldn't prevent a spread of herpes so don't beat yourself up. You don't owe him a reason but if you want to give one just say you are not happy he knowingly exposed you to a risk of illness (even if it is a low risk due to the medication) without your consent

Condoms don’t prevent herpes so don’t beat yourself up over that.

Having the exclusive chat, getting tested and not using condoms is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. You are not at fault in this. At all.

He should have told you before having sex with you at all because condoms don’t protect from herpes. He’ll likely use the excuse that so many people have them, but that’s a shit excuse and doesn’t make it ok.

I’m not sure why you think it’s funny.

Although for many people it can be managed and they have few outbreaks, I know someone that has had an awful time with it. Even with taking medication, she has had multiple outbreaks over 2 years since first catching it and she found has found it hard to function due to the symptoms which for her have been very bad.

It can be very serious though - some people (as they've said on this thread) can be plagued by regular bouts of painful, debilitating sores on their genitals. It also means that you need to disclose it to people prior to sex, which might put a lot of them off, and it creates a background worry that you could transmit the infection to others even despite taking preventative measures.

And it's incurable.

That all seems like something that most people would very, very much rather avoid! (Incidentally, I do have HSV1 on my lip, having contracted it as a child sharing drink bottles, I think, and it's something I take very seriously even though I've only had four outbreaks in my life).

And she took the normal steps before stopping using a condom. They discussed it and had testing. He lied to her. He knew and that is provable because he's on antivirals as a suppressive regimen.

He was willing to lie and cause her personal injury and harm so he could go condom free. He didn't care about her right to know before she consented to unprotected sex. He took that informed consent away from her.

And he did that deliberately.

He doesn't care about the consequences to her. That's reckless and intentional disregard for her safety. This guy shouldn't be practicing medicine if he's capable of such unethical and risky behaviour.

Definitely report to GMC. Shocking behaviour from a dr. Who else has he passed his herpes on to!?

I did a lot of research on HSV when I thought I contracted it (orally)

Often you will show symptoms within ten days.

For genital HSV, there is a 5 percent chance per year of contracting it from your positive partner. It sheds asymptomatically. That's a 1 in 20 chance per year. And I'm assuming the study participants weren't having sex when there were symptoms

It's been two months, is this something you are willing to risk going forward ? For some the condition is mild but for others they are having severe symptoms constantly

I really hope you've not contracted it in a one off

This man has shown you complete disregard and disrespect. It isn't forgiveable in my opinion

Not true - I have herpes simplex 1, which is normally not the genital version - though I'm not sure I got it from the person's mouth or their penis. I am sure I was told both can be spread down below, but happy to be corrected if it's actually very rare.

I can understand why someone might not want to disclose this to people before they have protected sex, but I'd be mad if someone had unprotected sex with me THEN told me.

I don't think it's a big deal and it's unbelievably common, but I remember when I first caught it and had my first outbreak. It was horrendous, I was absolutely mortified and completely distraught about it. Then thinking about having to tell every single sexual partner, for life. He's a shit for not telling you, but hopefully if he's on antivirals and wasn't in an active outbreak, you'll swerve it. If you think of it like cold sores - how likely is it you catch a cold sore from someone else if they aren't actively in a cold sore outbreak at that particular time? You'd think not very likely. So hopefully it's similar for genital version - fingers crossed for you OP.

I haven't had an outbreak for years now. No antivirals needed. I am now married with 2 children, husband wasn't phased when I told him all those years ago!

Also, if it's any reassurance @Sarah24x I've been with my husband for 15 years, we mostly don't ever use a condom, and despite me having several outbreaks over the years, he's never caught it from me. Hopefully the chance of you getting it is really low x

Edited to add, if it doesn't go without saying that I've never had sex during an outbreak!! Not that I'd ever want to!!

Having lived with it for almost 20 years i laugh because its still treated like it will kill you. With the stigma it brings you have to laugh or you'd cry!
Of course there are people who have an awful time. Thats not the majority.
Doesn't change the fact it should be disclosed; not disputing that. But the panic posts surely can't be helping the OP.

I would be quite worried why he’s on antivirals - does he have any more serious problems that he needs to be on antivirals for? I am worried about aids.
when I got it (about 25 years ago so info might have change) I had it badly - was getting it every few weeks so went to a specialist. She offered to put me on long term virals - so my understanding is people don’t usually go on long term antivirals for herpes unless they have been really suffering with them. Unless he took the anti virals to cover the period where he went off condoms?

Condoms doesn't stop you catching herpes. It can minimise the risk but it spreads from skin to skin contact so they dont eliminate the risk and there'd fair chance shed still have caught it.

if the person has an outbreak or is shedding which they and the person they are sleeping with wouldn't know.

Not quite true. People also go on them to reduce risk to sexual partners.

I don't think most men who knowingly have it would say and the majority don't know they do (you can be an asymptomatic spreader). It's a risk of sex. But he's handled it very weirdly and manipulatively.

@ToBeABridgerton oh that's shit for your friend. I do remember getting lots of outbreaks initially and they were more severe in the year after first getting infected. But as time has gone on they have got less severe and much, much less frequent. Now I can't remember the last time I had one.

Its information that should be shared before any sex, not just protected sex.

condoms only reduce the risk of catching herpes, they don’t remove it. In many men the sores can be around the penis, not just on it, so condoms do not protect a woman from that.

Hard agree. That being said, I probably felt like the OP when I was first infected though. It felt like the end of the world. I remember finding support groups online and everything! Reality is most of the population already has it, and it's just cold sores in a really shitty spot.

The fact he had unprotected sex before telling her is the main issue here.

@Sarah24x Not your fault!!! Ask him why the hell he didn't tell you before sleeping with you and then report back; can't wait to hear this one's excuse, they do say some shit.