Man I’m seeing has just told me he has genital herpes.

[Sarah24x]

I’ve recently started seeing a guy for around 2 months. All seemed great and he seems lovely.

Tonight he has disclosed he has genital herpes. 😫Says he hasn’t had an outbreak in years and it isn’t a big deal as he’s on medication.

The thing is I’ve already had unprotected sex with him (took an std test which was clear and I’m on contraception).

AIBU to be fuming he didn’t tell me before I slept with him? To make things worse he’s a doctor so knows the risks.

Is there a chance I could have caught it if he’s had no active coldsores and on antivirals?

Any advice appreciated!

That's why I said I do agree, otherwise.

But condoms do not eliminate risk altogether. And to be fair, one is not an idiot to not use condoms if one is on another form of contraception, and believes that their sexual partner is being honest in regards to disclosing STIs.

It's a shame that two months in, this fellow was lying to OP by omission, but I don't think she's an idiot for trusting him.

He knowingly exposed you to an STI without disclosure.

That's pretty horrific. For a doctor, he's 🤮.

I don't know about the legal consequences of nondisclosure where you are. But he certainly had a moral and ethical duty to disclose and was negligent in not doing so. If you test positive, he's caused you personal harm. Just having the stress of this is causing you harm.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. He violated you when he decided he would rather have sex without a condom and not tell you he had a STI and let you decide. I hope you test -.

I am saying i am responsible for ensuring, if I was not married, to only having sex with a condom and other form of protection

To be fair, 7 out of 10 will have HSV1, and mostly on their mouth not their vulva or penis, and once a variety has infected the lips, it only very rarely infects the genitals on the same person - it doesn't spread that way, afaik. So I do think that's a very different situation.

Although I do think that people should disclose that too, due to the potential for infection via oral sex.

It's a life-long, incurable condition that can be exceedingly painful from what I've heard, and which can reoccur very frequently for some people. It's quite serious, given that.

Why is it any different if you're married? Your husband could be lying to you about his STI status, or cheating.

Why not just answer the question. You are victim blaming.

There is no contraception/protection that is 100%effective against herpes.

eta, Oh, I’ve just seen your username. I shall ignore you as I usually do.

The op knew the man for 2 months i am not debating anything else

How it is victim blaming to say use condoms

It is a probity issue and you could report him to the GMC for it.

Indefensible behaviour and I’m sorry that you were treated that way.

Also, there’s this to peruse

https://www.cps.gov.uk/prosecution-guidance/intentional-or-reckless-sexual-transmission-infection

She knew him for 2 months and they had STI testing. They discussed it and probably being exclusive. He lied to her about his STI status instead of telling her right then.

She's not responsible for him lying to her. That's completely on him. She has acted responsibly here in having the talk and testing. She was acting in good faith. He wasn't.

Tell him that your morals don’t align and that if you had GHs you would have told him before having sex and for that reason he’s fired

Plenty of husbands cheat and lie, even after years of marriage 🤷

Your argument means that if you don't use a condom and your husband cheats and gives you an STI, then you're responsible for it, as you're responsible for your own body and no one else is.

Or maybe women shouldn't be blamed for being trusting when men lie convincingly to them, or withhold information.

And he's a doctor.

He did this to you, and he's a doctor.

I just can't get past that. It's awful behaviour. What a creep. Don't blame yourself.

I caught this from my ex whilst pregnant and was horrifically ill with it. I knew my ex had it (he disclosed very late though and wasn't transparent!) and he got it so mildly he could hardly tell. He didn't have the courtesy to check himself regularly.
Initial outbreak was awful, and was really ill and off work for 2 weeks. Dr was quite worried at the time as had racing heart and high temp (let alone struggled to go to the loo because of the pain and was given numbing gel and told to wee in the bath for comfort 😣
I have a very weak immune system, and 11 years later, probably breakout at least 5-6 times a year. When I'm ill or stressed I breakout, and even get patches of it under my arms too. I'm currently getting over a virus, and inevitably broke out as my body is low, its like adding insult to injury.
It can effect people VERY differently, so although he hardly breaks out, if you caught it, it could be another story.
It's really effected my life and I've been single since the break up (10 yrs ago!)
He definitely should of been honest, can't believe a Dr would be this deceitful!

End things however you like. It's appalling behaviour, especially from a doctor.

I think you tell him that you think he has lied by omission - which he has - about a serious infection that could affect you, should you catch it from him, for the rest of your life. Which, as a doctor, he would be aware of. And should have the morals and ethics to have informed you of before having sex with you, while leading you to believe his STD tests were all clear. It is a dreadful breach of trust.

Oh the "Coulda/Woulda/Shoulda"'s are out in force I see.

@Sarah24x Hindsight is 20/20 but the fact is that at some point most people stop using condoms, you had checks and are using contraception, so dont flay yourself for that.

He knew before you had sex, that is dishonest and disrespectful so the message I would send is

"I think you knew I wouldnt have had sex with you, or at least not without barrier protection, had you told me of your STI. You chose to withhold that information, presumably so that I would sleep with you without a condom, so you removed my right to give informed consent. I find that disgusting, dishonourable and down right cruel. As a doctor you will be aware that no Herpes treatment 100% prevents transmission and you had no right to put me at risk like that.

I do not want to be in a relationship with someone who would play fast and loose with someone elses sexual health, especially someone who is supposed to be a health care professional. You disgust me."

I recently contracted genital herpes. I would never sleep with anyone without disclosing it first. And I’d never forgive a partner - a doctor! - who didn’t tell me they had it before accepting unprotected sex. There’s no excuse. It smacks of bad character.

What was his reason for not telling you?

It’s not your fault. Obvs it’s unwise not to use condoms due to risks from other STI but you can still catch Herpes even when using condoms.

I wouldn’t get tied up in what to say to him. Just block and move on, he doesn’t deserve an explanation.

He wanted bareback and knew he wouldnt get it if she knew. Betcha.

He should have told you first. You are unlikely to catch it when he hasn’t got a breakout.
Lesson learned, use a condom until you have the sexual history discussion.
I caught genital warts 25 years ago. Only had one breakout, never transferred them to DH in 20 years.

I think we can safely assume that he was keen to go ahead and have sex without a condom, and he would know there was a chance OP would not agree to that had she known in advance of having sex that he had genital herpes.

Thanks all for your comments. The more I think of it, the more I’m getting angry!

I have a shit immune system so no doubt I will get it badly if I have indeed caught it.

He seemed too good to be true, now I know he was. 😣 Been single for a long time and this has just put me off ever dating again!

I am so angry on your behalf. Also on behalf of my younger self who didn't know to trust her reactions on this sort of thing.