Man I’m seeing has just told me he has genital herpes.

[Sarah24x]

I’ve recently started seeing a guy for around 2 months. All seemed great and he seems lovely.

Tonight he has disclosed he has genital herpes. 😫Says he hasn’t had an outbreak in years and it isn’t a big deal as he’s on medication.

The thing is I’ve already had unprotected sex with him (took an std test which was clear and I’m on contraception).

AIBU to be fuming he didn’t tell me before I slept with him? To make things worse he’s a doctor so knows the risks.

Is there a chance I could have caught it if he’s had no active coldsores and on antivirals?

Any advice appreciated!

I have read that while people do get HSV1 on their genitals, the outbreaks are less frequent and severe, and they're unlikely to contract it genitally if they already have it infecting their lip, for instance.

To have sex – even protected – with someone without disclosing puts the other person at risk of what could be a severely painful, ongoing, debilitating disease, depending on their immune system. It's hugely unethical and irresponsible. So yes, it is a big deal if not dealt with responsibly.

Actually, up to 75 to 90% of HSV1 cases are spread while the person is asymptomatic. Which makes sense, as if someone has a visible infection people are likely to avoid sexual contact!

No. Most of the population does not have genital herpes. 1 in 8 adults carries HSV2, which is the primary cause of genital herpes.

Yet another tone deaf post.

You don't even have the sort of herpes being discussed here, and you're teeheeeheeing about looking for support groups.

How? Personally I'd start with fuck off, I never want to see you again, how dare you deceive me ?!

What a pig. Thinks you’ll stay with him after he drops the bombshell once he’s already put your health at risk. He doesn’t deserve politeness

What a prick.
Another way to look at it is if you haven't caught it already, by ending things now you will eliminate the risk.
He should have told you. He's not to be trusted.

It should be a criminal offence to not disclose STD’s. Maybe it is, I don’t know.

I contracted herpes 12 years ago from my ex who knew he had it and didn’t tell me and I’ve been single ever since. I find myself repulsive because of it and I would never risk passing it onto anyone even if they were okay with it. I won’t ever date again because of it.

Tell him straight that what he’s done is disgusting and you won’t be seeing him again. Horrible, selfish man.

I'm so sorry. Would the risk not be low on antivirals ? It is quite common as well maybe you will meet someone who already had the virus ? You don't deserve to be alone the rest of your life

The HVA charity, who support people with herpes, advise that you don’t have to disclose if you don’t want to. The reasoning being that 7 in 10 have the virus anyway and people don’t make a thing of it if they get cold sores on the mouth and tell every partner.

They say it is better to do so though and that way if you get an outbreak you can explain why you need to abstain from sex.

I once rang their helpline to talk about telling a partner and they said they had spoken with people who were married and hadn’t told their spouses.

You're not repulsive, you just have a health condition that requires disclosure so people can make informed choices. You should be kind to yourself - you don't deserve to be alone, and I'm sure you wouldn't be if you went looking for a partner, and were up front about it.

Yep exactly this. Just literally say this !

Then they're advising that people not allow their partners to give informed consent, precisely because they know if people do, the partner might say 'no'. Which means they're advising what is morally, if not legally, rape.

And only 1 in 8 people have HSV2, the virus responsible for most genital herpes.

People should also disclose oral herpes though, to be fair, as if someone is asymptomatically shedding and performs oral sex, they could give their sexual partner HSV1 genital herpes.

Informed consent is key. And people withholding that from their spouses is disgusting, frankly. You should not be allowed to knowingly risk giving another person an incurable disease that causes pain and sores in an intimate area, without informing them of that risk. It's incredibly selfish and actually rather abusive. After all, what happens if they do contract it after several years?

I’m sorry to read this and understand how you feel as I felt that way when I first contracted it. It shouldn’t mean you can never date or have sex again though. I’ve had long term relationships and a marriage since contracting it and I did tell them. They really weren’t phased by it which was surprising to me, but not everyone thinks it’s a big deal. They never caught it from me as far as I am aware.

Hi all,
So to update, I messaged him that I thought it was unacceptable that he hasn’t disclosed this especially before having unprotected sex. I finished off with that I would no longer be continuing the relationship.

He replied quickly and was very apologetic. Saying he suffered with low self esteem due to it and was scared to tell me but agreed he was wrong for not telling me about it and so sorry.

I felt like saying well wtf did you expose me if it effects you so badly but I’ve left it at that as I don’t want to go into a back and forth or be guilt tripped.

Regarding the condom and std testing, yes I was stupid not to use one. I don’t know if he did an std test as it was never mentioned but I always do one after being intimate with a new partner. A lesson learnt.

I’m just going to give up on relationships for now. I always seem to be deceived. Either cheated on now this. 😞It’s a shame as we got along so well and I finally thought I’d met a trustworthy man.

Just say you can’t continue to see some one you don’t trust. He should have told you about his life long transmittable STD before having sex with you so that you could make your own decision about exposure. He’s been selfish, disrespectful and deceitful. Then block his arse!!

Sorry didn’t see your update. Well done op! 🙌

I’m sorry this has happened to you @Sarah24x and well done for ending it swiftly. It’s a shame as had he told you earlier and allowed you to have been fully informed etc, you may not be ending the relationship now.

Please don’t beat yourself up about not using condoms. The onus was on him to inform you, and as others have mentioned, HSV is spread through skin to skin contact - not just penetrative sex so even if there had been no sex at all there is a risk (although extremely small if he is on antivirals) of transmission.

As many others have said most people over the age of 25 who have been sexually active have antibodies to HSV 1 and 2. There is a chance you’ve already been exposed to the virus (even before this relationship) and your immune system is keeping it in check and you will never have an outbreak.There are also posters suggesting HSV1 doesn’t cause genital ulceration - and it does. Often transmission occurs during oral sex.

For people calling it an incurable disease - it’s “incurable” in the sense that once you’ve been exposed to the virus it stays in your body - like many viruses we’re exposed to chickenpox / cmv etc. It is treatable and there are very few people who need lifelong medication for this.

For others saying it should be illegal - people will never stop having sex and not everyone knows they’ve been exposed, and there is no way to do that freely in the UK. Having
antibodies in a blood test has no correlation to whether you will ever get symptoms or be infectious enough to transmit the virus. So it is complex. Criminalising an infection that is common and for the most part people don’t know that they have and have no symptoms whatsoever isn’t a good idea. De-stigmatising sex, increasing sex education and empowering people to feel able to discuss sex and related infections openly would be a much better way to tackle this problem.

Please use herpesvirusassociation.org for information which was linked in the first post as there is a lot of misinformation on this thread - unintentionally I’m sure by people who are misinformed. Don’t give up on dating - there are good eggs out there x

The issue with GH is a lot of people have it and genuinely have zero idea, they never get an outbreak at all or if they do, it’s so mild they don’t register it. That’s how and why it’s so easy to transmit unknowingly so any time you have sex there’s a chance you’ll get it (condoms don’t mitigate against much either).

It’s also pretty common, a lot of people have it orally too without realising as they never get a cold sore. There isn’t much you can do about it if you have it, as I say most people don’t have outbreaks so don’t even realise! Those who do might have 1-2 outbreaks in their life then it never bothers them again…

Up to you how much this bothers you really. It wouldn’t bother me too much.

I'm sorry OP, what a stress for you. But I think you acted with class and strength - and I don't think you should blame yourself for not using condoms. It's just something to learn from, I suppose. He's such a fucking prick.

I hope you stumble across just the right person when you're not looking. Sometimes that seems to be the way it happens!

Thank you all for your replies! If he’d been honest at the beginning I would probably have been ok with it and applauded his honesty.

It’s the fact he’s hidden it until after sex that has pissed me off, especially as he’s made out like it’s no big deal and in his words “like chickenpox”. 🙃

I have had coldsores before on my mouth but it was when I was an early teen before any sexual activity or kissing.

Yeah, it's him actively knowing and then deliberately not telling you that's the issue. How would you ever trust him with anything, given that?

And then having the cheek to argue that it's both affected his self esteem, but simultaneously not a big deal?? It's so coercive and deceitful on his part.

Good on you for being so decisive about it!

What is with people minimising what has happened here, and conflating genital herpes (HSV-2) with the sort that leads to cold sores (HSV-1)?

I think the seriousness of how bad you get it, it depends if it’s hsv1 or 2. With 2 giving more painful and frequent outbreaks. Very easy to pass hsv1 through oral. I mean he should have said something as he knows so no excuse and then you can use your judgement.

however is everyone asking those giving them oral if they have coldsores? apparently this is now one of the most common causes of genital herpes in uk. So people should be mindful if they do have coldsores when doing that

Because if you have HSV-1 (the type people usually have orally) you can pass it on to people’s genitals during oral sex and most people who have it on the genitals don’t actually know if they have HSV-1 or HSV-2. Only a blood test would reveal that, which isn’t carried out as standard.

Now OP is saying she’s had cold sores in the past so she must already have one of the strains herself!

If people with GH must disclose then so should anyone who’s ever had a cold sore on the mouth as they also risk passing it on even if there’s no sore due to asymptomatic shredding.

Hsv 1 can affect genitals. Hsv 1 and 2 are of the same family but usually (not always) affect different areas of the body. Its not being minimised, but we arent talking about a terminal illness here. Op had had coldsores in the past so has hsv 1. People dont disclose hsv1.
The issue is that he didnt disclose. Thats wrong. But unless asults are celibate there is always a risk, even with condoms