Parents upsizing - AIBU

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Parents are retired in their 60s. They have a 4 bed detached in a nice area (not south). They sold recently for 680k. They’ve discussed all
sorts about where to move and at one point said they didn’t need the space but now saying they are actually going to upsize as they want more space and so are making an offer on a house 100k more (so 780k).

I know there will be posters saying awful things about me saying this and I do accept that. I know what I’m about to say sounds money grabbing. But… we have two dc and will struggle to pay off our mortgage for many many years despite being in reasonably paid jobs and working hard to progress. I guess it’s easy to say when it’s not actually the situation but I can’t imagine doing this instead of giving the extra 100k to my kids to help them with their homes when we’d paid off our mortgage and didn’t actually need the space in our current home!! Probably being unfair simply because it’s their money and their choice but I just can’t imagine doing that in their position!

I think that the OP isn't struggling in the actual real sense of the word. Struggling is having no food in the cupboards to make a meal, hoping that the food bank is going to be able to help, not turning lights on, scrimping on using electric generally because they can't face opening up the bill, having an essential appliance break down and not being able to afford another. Struggling is being in despair every day and seeing no way out.
We are told the OP and husband are professional people who were gifted 30k to put with a similar sum they had saved for a deposit. That isn't struggling.
Many people get nothing because their parents have nothing to give.

may ask which country is your home country? That’s brilliant that women could continue their careers beyond marriage in th early 1900s. I live in Ireland and that was not the norm at all - with many falling foul off the marriage bar. Indeed the marriage bar was still in pace for some in my mother’s generation which seems shocking now.

Do you now live in the UK - I assume not if you had grandparents there to raise your kids.

you see very fixed in your ‘rule’ that grandparents should do childcare - and seem to be avoiding questions about grandmothers versus grandfathers. I agree very culture is different - you were very lucky that your grandmother retired from her career and immediately started caring for you. I assume given women’s right in your home country (Sweden?) families were small and she didn’t have a very large family and scores of grandchildren. My gran had five children and twelve grandchildren so the level of childcare she could reasonably offer was limited.

I'm sure they have helped out in other ways - but nothing as notable or dramatic as a £100k handout that the greedy OP was expecting. I'm sure they were supported through Uni and probably stayed at home afterwards for a number of years - but it all fades into the abyss when you see your parents having a lifestyle you think should be yours.

The idea of thinking, "My parents gave me £30,000, so what?" is hopefully quite alien to most people.

And i don't understand your argument that Brits are just done with kids at 18. Hence why I pointed out they weren't. 🤷

You seem to have an odd (and very judgemental) view of British culture. I don’t know anyone who expects their children to be self sufficient at 18. Just browsing this site will show you that isn’t the case.

Is it just the family culture that you find so unpleasant or is it anything else?

As per other posts, please feel free to share what country you are from so that we can share what offensive stereotypes we think are accurate. Seems only fair given some of your comments 😬

I agree - it's finally widely recognised how disadvantaged foster kids are when the state cuts all responsibility for them at 18 years of age, when the majority of kids are very much supported by their parents till their early 20s at least - there are very kids fully independent at 18 years old in the UK - it's just too hard.

I think a great level of support from parents of adult children (post university) would be an offer of babysitting once a month so the parents can have a night out together, maybe taking the children on holiday for a week in the summer, contributing to the cost of the wedding, occasionally inviting your unmarried son or daughter on holiday with you and occasionally inviting them out for a meal or to something cultural, if you're local then feeding the cat when they're away on holiday, being available for chats on the phone. And just being there as much as you can if something bad happens - visiting them and helping with the children if mum or dad is in hospital, helping financially on a short term basis if they lose their job, etc. Making life that bit easier and more pleasant so they don't feel they're on their own.
Does that kind of thing not mean anything to the OP? And why wouldn't she want to offer the same to her parents? Does nothing count unless it saves the younger generation tens of thousands of pounds?

So have you made separate provision for care costs you may need in the future? As you're signing over your main asset, that cost may fall on public funds.

Well I'd suggest the double standard, sexist expectations.

Got it in one.

I’ve paid £££ for my kid’s private education, saved a chunk into a child trust fund and will support her through university, probably to the tune of 100k because of her chosen course. After that she’s pretty much on her own. I’ve sacrificed my earning potential, holidays, nice things, my own savings and pensions, a nicer house etc. over the last 18 years and I’ll be damned if I should just hand over another chunk of money when I have time and health and energy to enjoy it.

YABU.

And might be considered to be deprivation of assets.

I must tell that to my friend who nearly died from sepsis brought on mainly by being run down from regularly driving 250 miles a WEEK to care for grandchildren and whose daughter's principal thought about her recovery was when could she start providing care again?
IOW ageist, inaccurate bollocks.

Your money, your choice of course. And yes you should provide for your pension, your security and your enjoyment of life first. You probably should have prioritised that over private education in the first place, TBH, I don't get the impression OP's folks are lacking in any of that though. They just fancy a bigger house so they are getting another one.

Jesus, that’s terrible. Your poor friend.

You sound pretty resentful of having a child in general. Maybe your daughter would have preferred state school but mom who loves and wants to support her later in life rather than washing her hands off her with the words “she’s on her own”.

Being a supportive parent isn’t just about handing out cash you know. My mum hasn’t given me a penny but does everything she possibly can outside of that to make mine and my husbands life easier

The thing is. I bet OP’s parents don’t do any of that either.

I know. My parents were actually supportive and continue to be. But they would never say things like “pretty much on her own”. Or other stuff people saying here staring that at 18 or 23 they are completely done.
but because my parents are genuinely supportive and not selfish or cold parents, I know that if they had spare money and u was struggling they would have definitely helped.
and because of that I myself will always support them: emotionally and financially

From seeing friends with wealthy parents I honestly feel no good comes from being handed everything on a plate by your parents. I have a few friends with very wealthy parents who have no drive in life whatsoever as they are either handed everything or convinced they’ll be sorted for life when they get their hands on their inheritance (they forget it could all get eaten up at the very end)

That sounds quite transactional- they helped you so you help them. Conditional love on your side.

No, it’s the opposite. We value and love each other so we support each other with what we have even though I’m well past 23. Because we are a FAMILY.

whats transactional is saying “I did my bit by paying for private school and uni now I’m done”. Thats not how loving people treat each other.

Yes, we are taking professional advice and not rushing.