Parents upsizing - AIBU

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Parents are retired in their 60s. They have a 4 bed detached in a nice area (not south). They sold recently for 680k. They’ve discussed all
sorts about where to move and at one point said they didn’t need the space but now saying they are actually going to upsize as they want more space and so are making an offer on a house 100k more (so 780k).

I know there will be posters saying awful things about me saying this and I do accept that. I know what I’m about to say sounds money grabbing. But… we have two dc and will struggle to pay off our mortgage for many many years despite being in reasonably paid jobs and working hard to progress. I guess it’s easy to say when it’s not actually the situation but I can’t imagine doing this instead of giving the extra 100k to my kids to help them with their homes when we’d paid off our mortgage and didn’t actually need the space in our current home!! Probably being unfair simply because it’s their money and their choice but I just can’t imagine doing that in their position!

What?
Not everyone was born and raised in Britain. My grandmother and mother both had a career and had retirement to look forward to and both of them are (were, in case of my grandmother) extremely hands on grandparents, providing daily care.

its cultural, not career related. They value the family and support to the family

I'm 70(just!),I'm perfectly capable of moving house, and performing most household tasks. Yesterday, I was moving white goods out of the kitchen for the floorers to lay my new floor. We aren't all decrepit old ladies, you know! Many of us are still very active.

I wouldn't take it seriously. I've noticed with many on MN when a woman reaches 60 they are old & past it despite the fact there are for example celebrities in the music industry performing on the stage in their 80s. I'ts undeniable some people age better than others and being fit & healthy in later life is not a guarantee although its the same at any stage of life.

Exactly this!

But don't expect any help from those adult children unless you've already given them all your funds. Probably not even then. 'We didn't ask to be born'

Everyone is making out like OPs parents have done nothing for them. They already gave them £30k!

Oh but...but...greedy boomers. It's all their fault! They owe us! They are personally and solely responsible for all our problems! Why are they so old and stupid [same thing ofc] as to make choices we don't agree with?!
I've given in excess of 200k to mine btw but I'm probably still an evil greedy boomer for not downsizing from our small semi to a one bed flat and giving them the same again.

ite of course both. Depending on your age it’s unusual that your grandmother had a career (my grandmother would be over 100 now if she was alive). Expecting women to care for their grandchildren is of course cultural - in cultures that don’t value women’s time the same way as men. Which is all of them!

Did your grandfather have a career and was he expected to provide childcare in his retirement? My grandfather certainly wasn’t - he was expected to play golf, but watch cricket, go to the pub and read the paper. My mother did provide some childcare in her retirement - but she didn’t want to give up five day a week and still get up at 7am every day after a very high pressured career.

We are 55 and are meeting with a financial advisor next week in order to plan how we can best help our young adult kids over a lifetime. We are not hugely wealthy but we are comfortable. I want to start planning now. For me, helping my children financially to buy a house if we can, is part of parenting. I know that many don’t agree.

How on earth did they manage to buy so many properties if neither of them had a high-paying 'professional' job?

You will obviously inherit a fortune when they die. They are clearly hoarding their wealth but they have already helped you get on the property ladder by gifting you the deposit for your current home. The value of your house will be increasing and you and your DH have professional jobs so surely you will be able to afford a more expensive home at some point through your own efforts and without any help from your parents.

My mum hasn’t given me anything and I wouldn’t expect it either. In fact I feel like it’s my turn to support her and cook her dinners and take her on holidays etc

I'm surprised some on here aren't wearing a hair shirt, flagelating themselves every morning and denying all pleasures because their children need all their belongings. Now! 🙄

I've just turned 50, OP. In 10-15 years time I expect and hope to still be living much as I am, healthy and working at least part time. I don't expect to be thinking about downsizing at that point. It's not as old as it feels to you right now.

Well in that case, you will be able to use your inheritance to help your adult children and your grandchildren in a way that your parents haven't done. That will surely give you some satisfaction.

It’s sad that parents of a certain age don’t understand that their children are struggling far more than they were at the same age.

Ours aren’t. Two of ours are much better off than we are. I was a single parent living in a rented flat and worrying about the gas bill at their age. They have two incomes and own very nice houses.

As I said upthread - be careful and consider that you will also be help on their partners, and relationships do break down. Assets placed on your children’s name could become joint assets with 50% lost in a divorce. If you are gifting deposits make sure you take advice if your child is buying with a partner.

sounds very negative, but nearly half will split.

I suspect your view may change once your 'children' are in their 30s 40s 50s and beyond.

Why do you need it now?
I can't see anything in your posts that indicate a change in circumstances or plans since you took on the mortgage.
You both have good jobs. Were your children not planned? Do any of them have disabilities?
Or are you just living beyond your means?

The OPs parents helped her buy a house but it’s not enough she wants more! Maybe you should discuss moving into a one bedroom flat so your DCs will feel you did enough for them - don’t forget you’ll need to do full time childcare and on the tap babysitting too because that’s what proper families do. Enjoy your retirement.

And your father and grandfather did how much childcare?

Just as the OP’s parents have done, they gave 30k towards a house deposit.

Don't take it personally🙈 stings. It's actually quite common to think people over 60 are just one leg in a grave. BUT that might be from previous gens.
We had interesting chat with mum and her 60-65 age group. They are in totally different level of fitness than their parents at that age. All of them agreed on that, they actually brought it up when talking about DGs. My and my friends' GPs were all very much "old" at 60 already. My mum and her friends are travelling, into sports, going out. They cycle every week, quite some distances. Can't sit still most of them. And it's not just them. Spoke about this to other people and most have the same experience.
65 is new 55 if you get what I mean. That age group generally, unless bad health hits, has many active years ahead. Many.

I think people seeing previous gens stops them from realising Gen x seems to be build different and they will be here and spending the "inheritance" for a long time.

Also not Uk and can easily see the differences...
My GMs retired at 55. (GF at 61)
My DM's retirement age is at 64.

GPs could babysit because there were actually babies when they retired... My mum and her friend's, my colleagues etc are/were still at ft work when their GCs need babysitting...
Culture doesn't override your job and need to pay bills. Or ability to travel, which has greatly increased so 60s now can. Or just finally have a bit of a breather after all life working and caring.

That is not the take. The take is that your parents do a huge amount for you while they are working, including in this case a massive house deposit, so maybe they should get to enjoy their retirement and the OP should wait for a possible inheritance if they want more. In many societies this would be the time to start giving back to the parents not expecting even more.

It’s easy to performative parent on an anonymous forum, talk is cheap as they say, however handing over your house and life savings at 60 to your adult children isn’t, I doubt many will follow through despite what they claim on here.