Parents upsizing - AIBU

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Parents are retired in their 60s. They have a 4 bed detached in a nice area (not south). They sold recently for 680k. They’ve discussed all
sorts about where to move and at one point said they didn’t need the space but now saying they are actually going to upsize as they want more space and so are making an offer on a house 100k more (so 780k).

I know there will be posters saying awful things about me saying this and I do accept that. I know what I’m about to say sounds money grabbing. But… we have two dc and will struggle to pay off our mortgage for many many years despite being in reasonably paid jobs and working hard to progress. I guess it’s easy to say when it’s not actually the situation but I can’t imagine doing this instead of giving the extra 100k to my kids to help them with their homes when we’d paid off our mortgage and didn’t actually need the space in our current home!! Probably being unfair simply because it’s their money and their choice but I just can’t imagine doing that in their position!

Do they actually understand that you are struggling? I know. Was very good at putting a good face in things to my parents at certain times.
@Happytaytos - excuse me? I’m 63 and in a year will be going abroad for a year and intend to buy a house at least the size of what I have now when I return. In their 80s it might not be the best idea to go bigger, but it seems they are going nicer, and good for them.

I am nowhere near that age, my mum is and I very much keep encouraging her to have fun and live well.
My mortgage is not her problem.

I understand that you feel ground down Op, and you think you’d be more generous to your own children if it were you. I would too - but it’s not necessarily that they want to kic up their heels and have a luxurious retirement. having children is often much much more exhausting and difficult than you imagine at the beginning of that journey. Obviously depends on the family and the card we’re dealt in terms of how much of a struggle parenting is - but i know people can feel quite broken by it all by the time they get to retirement age.

So you made your choices like they are doing

@CSIGrissom reread my post, I did not say all…

I get you. Sure they don’t have to…. but I would want to help my kids if I could. We don’t all get the same start in life and for our parents generation it was a lot easier to get on the housing ladder. I personally think a 4 bed is a bit excessive for 2 people but ultimately it is their choice and their finances. I guess it depends on there reasons for moving too.

This can’t be a genuine post, surely people don’t think like this?

I genuinely don’t understand why parents wouldn’t help their dc but I realise some think differently to me. I guess that’s why some get so defensive!

I just can't imagine expecting anything like this from my parents. They have worked hard and had their own struggles to pay a mortgage. They are still young and maybe see this as something they can eventually downsize from, with the money they make then helping fund their care. (Are you planning to care for them yourself, including all personal care, home care, etc? I'm guessing not.). Good for them for using their money towards their enjoyment of their life.

You need to work and provide for your own family, as they have done. Parents are not cash cows. You'll get it when they die.

My parents worked so hard all their life to give myself and my siblings a good life. It wasn't easy at times and I saw them go without when expensive periods hit like school and college and other things We were never spoilt but we didn't lack for anything.

Now I see them holidaying together, Dad just retired, and they go out to eat, visit my sibling abroad and can do nice things. I'm really happy for them. They deserve it at this stage if their life.

@harriethoyle grabby little beast 😂😂 maybe I am 🤦🏼‍♀️

I would be willing to help my children and have, but the degree of entitlement to my things that they have will affect my willingness to do so. Low entitlement = more willingness to help.

I think it's silly to upsize at that age. We will be downsizing so we don't have a large property to maintain when we don't need the space. Also plan to pass some wealth on while we are alive to see DC benefiting from it.

You need to work and provide for your own family, as they have done. Parents are not cash cows.

Where has the OP said she didn’t want to work or provide for her family?!

They already helped you with a deposit.

When do you propose to allow your parents to use their own money for their own fulfilment? Which, as you describe it, is likely to be a good investment if they live a predicted life span. Then you will benefit.

My parents are spending down my inheritance in a very expensive retirement community. I am just relieved that they found such a high quality place, where they will be well cared for (at vast expense) if the need arises.

I know life is hard and I know I write as someone who is now comfortable. But as a student I re-used teabags and tinfoil, went cold and made similar sacrifices. It never occurred to me to ask my parents, who are millionaires, for help. Although I confess they had bought me a car earlier.

I am closer in age to your parents than to you, I don’t know how much. I feel sympathy for you because of our times, and because your desperation is showing. But mainly you’ve made me feel like I am from another planet.

Inheritance is not a right. Your parents are not obliged to give you anything. You chose to buy a house and have children. This is your financial responsibility not their's.

@ForAmusedHazelQuoter i didn’t think it was hugely common for people to upsize in their sixties when usually by then kids have left home

I'm sure she does, but she also seems to have a strong sense that her parents should contribute to it instead of making choices for their own good. It's not their job to provide this.

Come back to this thread when you finally get to retirement age and are able to live for yourself instead of putting your kids first.

Earn your own lifestyle and stop expecting handouts from your parents.

Sixties is nothing. They could have another 30+ years of life so why not be in a home that makes you happy.

My parents upsized when they retired. They couldn't find a bungalow so they went with a 2 floor house where they can have what they need downstairs. They also got a bigger yard so they can have a garage and a bigger garden. Now that they are retired and kids are out, they can enjoy their garden and build stuff in the garage. Makes total sense to me. And I doubt my brither would have visited so often if they didnt have a big house where hia family could fit.

@thankgoodnessforpuppies but plenty of parents do downsize and give money to their dc/gc at this stage of life.

The OP is simply saying she doesn’t understand why her parents want to use the money when she is struggling. She likely feels a little hurt.

Why do so many of the younger generation think they are entitled to their parents money? We all have less money when we are younger and if we are lucky and perhaps careful, a bit more when we are older. Their choice and absolutely nothing to do with you.
Of course its hard paying off a morgage unless you are super rich. Took me until my 60s.

I think they’re hugely selfish being that wealthy and not paying off your mortgage to be honest. I just know in my heart if I had access to that kind of money I would release some equity to help my children. It’s not like they’re going to be living in a shed. I just can’t fathom that to be honest and I totally get where you’re coming from.