AIBU not to attend brother-in-law’s wedding 500 miles away due to cost and lack of relationship with them?

[SunnyEgg123]

Brother in law is getting married in the summer. The wedding is being held 500miles away from where we live and will cost approximately £1000 for the weekend away to attend (summer weekend in expensive area). We will have to take our young toddler to the wedding as they want them to attend for family photos etc. We are not part of the wedding party - my husband is not best man etc, we are guests at the full day though. It will be a very long weekend for the toddler and not particularly enjoyable for them. In laws are useless with them so no support there.

We barely see this brother despite living in the same city as him. Husband does not have a close relationship with him. Him and his future wife make no effort to see our child (have seem them maybe 3 times in 18months and only at other family obligations) and didn't attend their 1st birthday etc despite it being important to us.

This weekend away is barely affordable. We do not have a spare £1000 to attend a wedding for 2 days. I do not feel we should be obligated to go when we are not friends. We would not go to the wedding of someone else that makes so little effort in our lives.

Husband feels we are in a tricky position. He agrees that it's very disappointing the lack of effort they make to see us or our child but that it will cause a lot of family upset if he does not attend. He was initially in agreement we should not go but now feels fearful of the fallout.

AIBU to decide not to attend this wedding for the reasons above.

I’m sure if BIL had posted about the wedding he’d have been told that he shouldn’t assume people will come to a destination wedding and that he’s being selfish.
I also think that with a destination wedding you tell the most important people you want to be there and confirm dates etc before booking and telling everyone else. The people you invite later are those that you don’t desperately want there anyway. This includes OP, niece and her husband. If they were so important to the wedding then they’d have talked about it prior.
I don’t think DH is bothered, he doesn’t have a close relationship with his brother but is worried how his parents will feel. Not a reason to drop £1k. No one really considered how difficult and expensive this would be to him. BIL will still have a wonderful wedding, he doesn’t need them there to do so.

You may not be friends but you are family.
It is wildly expensive but it would also be a nice weekend away for your family.
DH should tell his brother that things are a bit tight. My Dsis paid a portion of the accommodation and had a free bar at her expensive wedding, he might be happy to help out for his brother to get there.?

As it was a big wedding how many lived on the remote island and how many travelled 700 miles out of interest? Surely if the majority of guests are islanders than makes sense but if the majority travelled then not so much.

To me it seems like you're trying to isolate your dh from his family because of the choices you make.

Firstly, you didn't invite family to your destination wedding but only your friends. To me that's putting your friends above family in the pecking order. Now, you're trying to encourage him not to attend his brother's wedding.

You are giving the signal that family aren't important. Yet you've had the audacity to complain about them not attending your baby's birthday party. You don't have a right to complain because you didn't bother inviting your in laws to your own wedding. Incidentally, did you invite your own family to your wedding?

You need to do a bit of self reflection and become more self aware otherwise you might find yourself not invited to your own child's wedding.

I knew as soon as I read it that it would be Scotland.

If you are going to spend that much and travel, would you consider extending it to a family holiday so at least you get a bit more out of the distance?

Are there any camping pods? These can be great with a toddler, although some of the fancy ones cost nearly as much as a hotel.

If it's somewhere with a short crossing like Mull you could go for the day and stay on the mainland although Oban in summer is still pricey but if you had a pod or lodge you could have a nicer trip for your own family time and just head across to the wedding. Pitch up shows a couple of more reasonably priced ones near Oban. Does it require car access on the island as this again adds pounds over being a foot passenger.

Ferrys are also currently a nightmare depending which island you are going to.

I can understand why you don't want to shell out so much but if you need to go, I'd be finding ways to make it a nicer experience for you and just show face at the wedding.

i'm very sympathetic OP - it's a destination wedding, expensive and you are not close. Unfortunately as it's DH's brother Ibthink you have to suck it up. I wouldn't be too put out at their lack of engagement with your toddler - young(ish) people without kids are often just not that into children

Don’t go then? You don’t need our permission. You’ve got very huffy when people have given suggestions, despite missing out some key information. If he’s not got much relationship with his brother then will the family fall out even be that bad? If his parents think it’s that much of a big deal maybe they can stump up the £1k for you all to attend. Otherwise, say you can’t afford it and its a ridiculous distance to drag a toddler for a couple of night.

I think everyone should think how they'd answer if the wedding was in a foreign destination eg beach wedding.
Would we all say to go?

The fact it's 500 miles away makes this a destination wedding in my opinion. It's widely accepted that if you have a destination wedding then a lot of people will not attend, I don't see why this is any different. It would actually probably be easier and cheaper if the wedding was in Italy, not to mention quicker to travel.

Hang on, you post this message and yet call the OP rude?? I think you might be slightly lacking in self-awareness.

I haven’t seen any rudeness from the OP. Just correcting (often bizarre) assumptions.

Don’t forget that this is Mumsnet, where people are regularly told they just need to “find the money” for things like family weddings.

Im close to my brother and his wife.

They got married 350 miles away. I had four kids to take there. Theyve only seen them probably 3 or 4 times in the past 2 years. Even with fuel, hotel costs for two nights, outfits for us all and money for drinks it didnt cost us anywhere near £1k. Admittedly we didnt give them a big gift- just contributed to a couple of cocktails for their honeymoon wishlist.

Obviously you dont have to go - as the famous mn saying goes, its an invite, but I csnt imagine missing my brothers wedding, even if not particularly close.

Can you go for a weeks holiday and camp? If it's a touristy place there will likely be camping sites nearby.

That way you get a holiday included in the price. The toddler will love it. You might have to invest in a small tent and equipment, but at least you can use those for future holidays.
Buy second hand if need be, then sell on, if camping isn’t really your bag.

Break it up. Go on the train. Adapt. Life is for living

It's going to be more than one night. Noone sane would drive 500 miles with a toddler all in one go.

Eta re the post the quote was quoting iyswim

I agree every six months is ok.

I don't think you can complain that they didn't attend your child's first birthday because that is not on a level with a wedding. Children have birthdays every year.. A wedding is supposed to be a one off.

I am normally not in favour of attending expensive destination weddings, but it is your DH's brother and although you say you don't have much to do with them, imagine how you'd feel if they didn't invite you at all. Their invitation says that you, DH and toddler are part of their family.

I understand the expense but people have suggested ways of accomodating that.
It does sound like you don't like them very much and can't see the point, and I get that, but its clear your DH can see the point.so I think for his sake, DH at least should go. They've also said they invited your child too as they want them to be in the photos.. They want her to be included.

Not going for purely a cost reason, ie not a pregnancy or medical reason or something that cannot be worked around , is going to cause a family fall out, DH thinks and it sounds like he doesn't want that to happen, DH at least should go.
Sorry OP. I don't think you are being reasonable.

Did BIL attend your wedding?

These.destination weddings cause so much angst! It's a ridiculous imposition.

We hired a cheap venue in the village ..My sister and dBiL decorated it (for about £50). And we offered for guests to camp in our garden if they wanted. It was a wonderful day, couldn't have been lovelier.

The Scottish islands are very expensive and I’m not sure you’d save that much by just sending your husband either. It’s a difficult situation to be put in. I wouldn’t allow myself to go into debt for someone else’s wedding, even if we were close. We’ve had a similar situation twice where our own plans would have seen us not go on holiday that year, but we’ve been invited to destination weddings by family members. We did go and put our other plans on hold. It’s also very stressful travelling with small children and worth you considering what activities you can actually do once there, suitable stops on the way. My only thought is blood is a strong bond, and your husband and his brother may become close again in future. Your child may become close to his Uncle when he’s older. But if you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it.

Hahahaha you can't get a train to a Scottish island. Its an island because its surrounded by water!

Husband is free to go should he wish. However, it is our shared savings that will be used to pay for it so I disagree it's just his decision and he doesn't want to go on his own.

We got married during covid. We had a few best friends and some of my family that we are close to. Husbands parents refused to travel and so did not attend. We were only allowed 12 people.

Fair enough. I wouldnt describe that as an elopement. A planned small wedding.
The invitation was limited to his parents and they - presumably for Covid related reasons - didn't feel able to travel to your wedding.

I hardly think a child’s first birthday is the same as a wedding!
i haven’t been to that many weddings but I’d jump at the chance. I have attended a couple weddings when I’ve only been invited because I’m a cousin, and was very surprised when a cousin I’d never met, that my mother invited, flew over from Ireland to attend my wedding (representing the Irish side). I was touched. So it comes down to money really. Or if you think you’ll have a miserable time I guess (though with an all day wedding I’m sure there’s a couple hours you can take little one back to the hotel for a nap).

So DHs parents opted to decline the invitation to your wedding? So they shouldn’t be funny about you declining a wedding invitation. It’s an invite not a summons.
I completely understand why DH doesn’t want to go alone but you have given your reasons and now need to get on the same page.
how much of this is that DH and BIL aren’t close and this would probably cement that in the eyes of other family members eg:FIL/MIL.