AIBU not to attend brother-in-law’s wedding 500 miles away due to cost and lack of relationship with them?

[SunnyEgg123]

Brother in law is getting married in the summer. The wedding is being held 500miles away from where we live and will cost approximately £1000 for the weekend away to attend (summer weekend in expensive area). We will have to take our young toddler to the wedding as they want them to attend for family photos etc. We are not part of the wedding party - my husband is not best man etc, we are guests at the full day though. It will be a very long weekend for the toddler and not particularly enjoyable for them. In laws are useless with them so no support there.

We barely see this brother despite living in the same city as him. Husband does not have a close relationship with him. Him and his future wife make no effort to see our child (have seem them maybe 3 times in 18months and only at other family obligations) and didn't attend their 1st birthday etc despite it being important to us.

This weekend away is barely affordable. We do not have a spare £1000 to attend a wedding for 2 days. I do not feel we should be obligated to go when we are not friends. We would not go to the wedding of someone else that makes so little effort in our lives.

Husband feels we are in a tricky position. He agrees that it's very disappointing the lack of effort they make to see us or our child but that it will cause a lot of family upset if he does not attend. He was initially in agreement we should not go but now feels fearful of the fallout.

AIBU to decide not to attend this wedding for the reasons above.

Could you have a frank conversation with your husband’s parents and say you can’t afford it and see what they say about not going?

Is accommodation being provided for them? If the consensus is that you should attend could you bunk in with them? I’m Scottish - island weddings can be astronomical.

This.

I had this problem myself many years ago. Ex husband cousin. She wanted daughter to be bridesmaid and we had no car at the time. Ex had no suit and when we totted up costs we just couldn't afford. Ex had gone voluntarily bankrupt 4 months prior, so doing it on credit wasn't an option either. We didn't go and it was an interesting time as nobody understood our issues at the time, but sometimes you do have to say no to things.

The cost is prohibitive.

It's his brother. If you want to irrefutably and finally damage their relationship then your dh not bothering with his wedding would be the way to do it.

Was his brother invited to your wedding BTW?

another saying you need to go. But do look for AirBnBs /holiday cottages in the area, it might be cheaper, particularly if PIL/someone else from the wedding party will share with you. (Eg get a 2 bed place and have dc in a travel cot in with you).

Also OP- you said that BIL and SIL live in the same city as you, but is there a connection to this island at all?! Is it where her family is from etc?

None of DH's family live on the islands and his family are quite international so several people travelled from other countries, including his aunt who travelled from another continent. Of our friends they were spread across the UK so quite a few travelled from the south of England, but some were further north and some of my old school friends lived on the islands. My families guests were mostly in Scotland but not all on the islands (and my brother was on the other side of the world). The evening guests were obviously all islanders (neighbours, work colleagues and friends of my parents).

It would have made no sense to us to have the wedding in England, we both grew up in Scotland and had both only lived in England for a few years.

@SunnyEgg123 has not said that it's a destination wedding, she said it's 500 miles from where she lives which suggests it is the bride's family home where the wedding is. She has also said she doesn't want to spend so much money out of their savings which suggests they can afford it, she just doesn't want to go because she doesn't like her ILs. Family weddings are important and they should make an effort if they don't want a permanent rift. A Scottish island might be a long way to travel (I still have the mental scars from driving up the A9 with 3 small children in the back of the car!) but it will be a child friendly holiday when they are there with lots of beaches, I'd recommend making it their family holiday this year and staying at least a week so they aren't exhausted from the travelling.

Husband surely won’t miss his own brothers wedding! He can go and maybe share a hotel room with someone to save on costs. Or get somewhere v cheap as he won’t have you and toddler to think of.

If its somewhere like mull, the shetlands, Harris etc have you checked to see if there's any air b and bs rather than Hotels. I can believe it's going to cost 1000 if you're down south. We live an hour and a half away from Loch lomond and spent over 500 pounds for one night for two on fuel, a dinner and drinks and the hotel.

I’ve just read your updates. Even if it doesn’t save mix moneys, DH should still go alone. It will be much easier without a toddler in tow. You definitely don’t want to be there so don’t.

Any hope of some casual meet ups with dh and his brother to try and repair things ?

Could you not hire a private jet and private helicopter?

I do think you should go - but can see why it’s expensive. We went to Hs best mates wedding in Scotland with our toddler many years ago and it cost us about that for 3 nights. H was best man though to be fair. I have to say it was hard work so I’d probably send H alone if we had to do it again - it certainly was inconvenient. I was unreasonably still annoyed about it when the couple divorced!

No one finds your children as interesting or as important to them as you.

Yet the happy-couple-to-be want the OP's children for their photographs.

The usual bonkers responses from Mumsnet! Do people really think there is a cheap travel lodge or Premier Inn in every single part of the UK? Of course a journey like London- Skye (not saying it’s there but as an example) is over 500 miles…Friends did it late last year and stopped in Carlisle on the way up for the night, it’s hours and ours of driving! Outside of the Scottish cities there are not many chain hotels (I can’t think of any) like Premier Inn.

There's a saying often used on Mumsnet: 'it's an invite not a summons'.
If you and your DH are happy with, or able to live with, the consequences of not going: don't go!
Travel to remote parts of the UK is exhausting even when you want to do it, let alone for something or someone you are not keen on.
You may be getting flamed here for not wanting to go, but only you know the full story, family history, and can work out what the consequences would be for either attending or not attending.
You could do a 'pros and cons' list if it helps.
Good luck!

I also don't get the logic of it's ok to not care about a child's 1st birthday but it's outrageous not to care about a family wedding.

Just a random thought: these days technology is so good, the 'happy couple' could have a picture of the OP's child digitally added to the wedding pictures....

Also, those who are saying 'family is important, family weddings are important ' may have missed the corker of a thread on bad behaviour at weddings recently. Not all bad behaviour was relatives but a lot was and shows that tensions can explode at a wedding. (I am not sure if this is a reason to stay away or a reason to go!).

Not when it's a family member you don't have much of a relationship with, who you rarely see, and who has chosen to have the wedding 500 miles away in the arse end of nowhere. The OP's brother-in-law clearly doesn't give a shiny shite how difficult and expensive and inconvenient it's going to be for the wedding guests to get there, and all the logistics and expense and time involved for them, so why should the OP (or anyone else) care about attending?

Indeed.

I find the lack of geographical knowledge on here astonishing. I am pretty familiar with the single track A roads with passing places you get in the highlands of Scotland and the lack of regular public transport, and just how expensive train travel is on some of the routes.

DH has family in Inverness, and even with a senior railcard the return fare is £140 from South Yorkshire. Times that by two and we are looking at the best part of £300 on train fares alone. National Express is not much cheaper, but can you imagine a 13 hour coach trip with toddlers? Then there is the ferry and accommodation on top of that.

I'm guessing the wedding is somewhere like Skye or Mull. They can be super pricey in the high season. However, you might find that you can get a caravan or B&B a bit cheaper. Alternatively, if it's Skye, and you're near the bridge end of the island, you could look at Kyle or Plockton to stay on the mainland. Obviously you'd have to drive there, and it might not be suitable, but we've noticed it's a fair bit cheaper.
On Lewis, you can be cheaper staying down nearer the Harris end sometimes. I've found some ace Air B&Bs in Stornoway too.

Just to back you up on the 500 miles thing, and it taking a while. I can take 4.5 hours to drive to Skye, and it's just over 200 miles from me on the outskirts of Edinburgh. The roads can be windy, and not fast to get through. Obviously, that adds to any ferry schedule, etc.

Especially when they live in the same town for the first birthday (which is basically as family get together) and the wedding is costly and miles away. One is for most people very easy and cheap to do and the other very expensive and logistically awkward- yet look at which one some people are saying you must not miss.

They’re not necessarily the same people opining.

ETA: even within the same family. And on MN. People are weird.

I live almost in Scotland and just thought of the drive and knowing how unreliable the ferries can be even if no storms makes me want to weep at the thought and I don’t have kids to take with me!