AIBU not to attend brother-in-law’s wedding 500 miles away due to cost and lack of relationship with them?

[SunnyEgg123]

Brother in law is getting married in the summer. The wedding is being held 500miles away from where we live and will cost approximately £1000 for the weekend away to attend (summer weekend in expensive area). We will have to take our young toddler to the wedding as they want them to attend for family photos etc. We are not part of the wedding party - my husband is not best man etc, we are guests at the full day though. It will be a very long weekend for the toddler and not particularly enjoyable for them. In laws are useless with them so no support there.

We barely see this brother despite living in the same city as him. Husband does not have a close relationship with him. Him and his future wife make no effort to see our child (have seem them maybe 3 times in 18months and only at other family obligations) and didn't attend their 1st birthday etc despite it being important to us.

This weekend away is barely affordable. We do not have a spare £1000 to attend a wedding for 2 days. I do not feel we should be obligated to go when we are not friends. We would not go to the wedding of someone else that makes so little effort in our lives.

Husband feels we are in a tricky position. He agrees that it's very disappointing the lack of effort they make to see us or our child but that it will cause a lot of family upset if he does not attend. He was initially in agreement we should not go but now feels fearful of the fallout.

AIBU to decide not to attend this wedding for the reasons above.

having read the updates you obviously shouldnt attend the wedding.

You werent close enough to invite your husband's sibling to your own wedding. Clearly that hasn't changed - although I dont think you can complain about them not attending a first birthday party if you werent keen to have them at you your wedding.

Didn’t you invite BIL to your wedding @SunnyEgg123 ?

You just don’t like them and that’s fine. Husband should be able to go though without feeling guilty towards you.

It's probably that. I've got some sympathy for the PIL as I think it can be really hard for parents to come to terms with a lack of relationship between their kids as adults. Not that it changes anything, you can try reach out but you can't pretend that there is a closeness that isn't there.

This wedding is on a remite Scottish island. A Scotyish poster has confirmed that £1000 is probably what it would cost the OP.

OP I think if you can’t afford it then you can’t go and say you’ll get together with them after?

after reading the updates I’ve changed my mind and don’t think you’re unreasonable. It’s ALOT of money and they’ve made it hard for you choosing the location. If they’d wanted you there they’d have made it a bit easier.

other option is husband goes. Yes it’s still the money but at least you don’t have to drag toddler all the way etc.

If there was only 12 allowed attend OP’s wedding during Covid it was during heavy restrictions. PIL probably couldn’t travel without breaking the rules or could have been worried about an infection. It was a bizarre time not normal circumstances.

@SunnyEgg123
Is it one of the islands that has multiple ferries per day or is it more "Tuesdays Thursdays and saturdays" type event

I am wondering if you can stay.on mainland and go on day of....or just do 1 night

Given your more detailed updates I think it’s ok not to go (I said previously to go)

BUT the relationship will suffer unless you explain it’s about costs, but sounds like there isn’t a particularly good relationship anyway so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Op bottom line you just don't want to go.
You'll be made out to be the bad one.

I think if DH wants to go you should respect that and go together.

Definitely have DH share the reason why he can’t go to PIL or BIL. I’m sure they would rather cover the cost than allow the relationship between the brothers be destroyed and have other relatives questioning where you both are, and the child.
It’ll be stressful for PIL having to explain.

Is he allowed to go alone??

But they still felt unable or chose not to attend. OP should be able to make the same decision without repercussions.

If you choose to get married 500 miles away from where you live then you've got an almighty cheek if you take issue with people not attending.

I wouldn't feel even slightly conflicted about not going!

I was in a similar position with my brother's wedding. I spoke to my mother about it who felt missing the wedding would be a big snub and not taken at all well but could equally understand that I couldn't justify the expensive for someone who has seen my son twice in eight years.

In the end our parents paid for my travel and accommodation to keep us both happy and probably to save the embarrassment of explaining to people why a sibling was missing at the wedding. Is this something that might be an option for your family?

Is BILs wife-to-be from said Scottish island or is it a random pick?

You should go.

They've also said they invited your child too as they want them to be in the photos. They want her to be included.

They just want her for a photo shoot.

The Scottish islands are very expensive and I’m not sure you’d save that much by just sending your husband either.

Something that many posters on this thread don't realise.

You should go.

Have you read the OP's updates @Autumn38 ?

Oh no she shouldn't.

When I got married one of DH's brothers didn't come because he couldn't afford it. Probably 200 miles rather than 500. It didn't cause merry hell - we just accepted it. Maybe they will too?

I think my in-laws did offer to pay their accommodation but they said there would have been other costs like outfits etc (they had three children). It wasn't something we could have covered either as we didn't have much money ourselves.

Honestly OP, I know your child is the be all and end all to you (rightly so) but a young couple without kids aren't going to be that interested. Three visits in 18 months sounds fair enough. As for the 1st birthday, I don't know anyone who makes a big deal out of that. Maybe invite grandparents but not particularly aunties and uncles unless you are close and they're really invested in your kid. My brother nor my DH's brother came to any of my son's birthday parties and I wouldn't have expected them to. I don't think that's outrageously unusual.

Don't go. You don't have to.
I didn't attend my twin brothers wedding. He had already cheated on his wife to be and I felt he was rail roaded into marrying her to "make up". She was also a vile person, who did nothing but cause arguments amongst the family.
No one in my family wanted him to marry her but I was the only one who refused to go. Not 2 years later they're divorced.
Obviously bit different to your situation but it's ok to not attend a wedding of a family member.

Id go but leave the toddler if you can, at least you and your husband will have a chance to enjoy yourselves together. It seems unfair taking a toddler that far for an event that will be so unenjoyable for them. But you and your husband need to go or it'll be a huge family fall out I'd think and you'll look the worse for it