AIBU not to attend brother-in-law’s wedding 500 miles away due to cost and lack of relationship with them?

[SunnyEgg123]

Brother in law is getting married in the summer. The wedding is being held 500miles away from where we live and will cost approximately £1000 for the weekend away to attend (summer weekend in expensive area). We will have to take our young toddler to the wedding as they want them to attend for family photos etc. We are not part of the wedding party - my husband is not best man etc, we are guests at the full day though. It will be a very long weekend for the toddler and not particularly enjoyable for them. In laws are useless with them so no support there.

We barely see this brother despite living in the same city as him. Husband does not have a close relationship with him. Him and his future wife make no effort to see our child (have seem them maybe 3 times in 18months and only at other family obligations) and didn't attend their 1st birthday etc despite it being important to us.

This weekend away is barely affordable. We do not have a spare £1000 to attend a wedding for 2 days. I do not feel we should be obligated to go when we are not friends. We would not go to the wedding of someone else that makes so little effort in our lives.

Husband feels we are in a tricky position. He agrees that it's very disappointing the lack of effort they make to see us or our child but that it will cause a lot of family upset if he does not attend. He was initially in agreement we should not go but now feels fearful of the fallout.

AIBU to decide not to attend this wedding for the reasons above.

I wouldn’t go, I would be honest and say you can’t afford to splurge £1k and the journey will be hell plus the annual leave from work is an issue.

It’s an invitation not a summons. Folk who are close with siblings will never understand how little interest you can have in these circumstances.

The fact you eloped shows that you never expected effort from others so it’s not even double standards.

Yea, id be saying no to this, its just not practical, and who gets married on remote islands ffs

I would just try and put a positive spin on it. A wedding on a Scottish island actually sounds like loads of fun and a real experience. Why not just accept you have to go for the sake of DH’s family relations, and try dnd have a good time? I’d stay a few more days, or stop somewhere on way back, make a holiday of it.

You also seemingly chose to get married far away, but chose to not invite any family.

I can understand elopement in the traditional sense, (in secret, telling no-one,) but agree with a PP that actually inviting friends to your wedding but no family seems odd.

Did this cause/ ratify the estrangement that led to them having no interest in the birthday party?

I'm changing my vote to YANBU though, as you travelling to that location by car with a toddler is unreasonable for a few days.

Your choice of wedding possibly showed them all that you don't care for them or any of the family, so there's unlikely to be any additional fallout from not attending BIL's.

I don’t think you can suggest because they eloped they don’t have to bother with their family weddings from now on. The two don’t follow.

Besides they had friends at their wedding which makes it less of an elopement in my book.

They just didn’t invite their families.

But the Op clearly won’t accept her husband going without her so that’s that.

make a holiday of it

take your time getting there

I think I would go, but keep the relationship to a minimum moving forward. I know what it’s like to have a troublesome relationship with a brother in law who simply doesn’t give a fuck about my family but wants the world to revolve around his own, but not going, I think, would cause a lot of drama, and run the risk of you being looked upon as ‘the cause’. You wouldn’t be, of course, but imo it wouldn’t really be worth that interpretation. At least you can just.. slowly and quietly oust them from your lives if that’s what you want to do afterwards. No mega fall out.

OP this needs to be your DH’s decision, it is his family and his relationship that could be impacted furthermore, he needs to assess how he feels about the current situation. You haven’t said in any of the posts what he wants to do.

That would certainly be some mega level of feeling x 😁😁

Who would do that?

So distance travel and accommodation is the cost

not going to the wedding esp as thy didn’t go to yours could be an option

could you make it your summer holiday so stay before /after wedding and chill /visit places

are the rest of family local to you both

how are they getting there an at what cost

We barely see this brother despite living in the same city as him. Husband does not have a close relationship with him. Him and his future wife make no effort to see our child (have seem them maybe 3 times in 18months and only at other family obligations) and didn't attend their 1st birthday etc despite it being important to us.

so the DBro is not invested in the relationship yet insists his DBro has to be there?

well, the choice is your DHs but honestly what could the fallout possibly be when they don't see each other often. I'd say to your DH he can go if he wants but you're staying home.

I’m with you, OP. £1000 (perhaps more?!) is a LOT to spend in someone who makes no effort with you, that you’ve seen three times in 18mths despite living in the same city, with whom you have no real relationship, and who, it appears, has only invited you so your child can be in the photos!!
wrangling a child who is bored/uncomfortable/fractious for whatever reason means that you may not have the most pleasant of experiences either.
I’d just tell them the (partial) truth - that you can’t afford this, and say you’ll get together when they’re home for a meal or something to celebrate and send a small gift.
And they take it however they take it.
But no, you’re not unreasonable.

I’ve changed my mind. It’s not unreasonable to balk at going to a Scottish island.

OP why are you so against your DH going? He may be able to share the journey and accommodation with someone local to you.

I would love to go to a wedding on a remote scottish island. What an unforgettable experience. Make the most if it.

4 days of long drives with a toddler in tow? No thank you.

This is a right pain the arse for you. Having a similarly minded BIL, I understand how you feel - my first instinct would also be not to attend.

I do, however also regularly make an 800 mile round trip to Scotland from the south of England, with small children, and there are ways to make it manageable.

We have everything packed up the night before, and get in the car around 4 / 4.30am. With any luck, your toddler will sleep through again until their normal breakfast, and that’s your first stop. You can get a fair way up the country in that time. Probably whichever one of you is not driving should sit in the back with them, and be ready with entertainment & snacks.

As you’ve got the extra 100 miles, you could consider making a much bigger trip of it, and staying at a premier inn or travel lodge for a night on the way up and down, and finding something to do in those areas. We stopped in Birmingham last year, having broken the back of the journey, went to Cadbury World the next morning, then drove the final 2.5 hours home later that day. You’d just need to figure out the rough area that was good to stop for you.

Assuming the wedding is a Saturday, I’d suggest leaving early on the Thursday, and making it to central Scotland around lunch. Spending the afternoon and night there somewhere cheap. Then make your way up to the ferry on the Friday morning. Friday & Saturday night on the island for the wedding, then leave whenever the ferry time works best. Do the worst of the journey on the Sunday, find somewhere to stay overnight, and have a morning / day out the next day before heading home. If you could stretch to two nights on the way home it would probably be more relaxing.

This way won’t make it any cheaper, but 2 nights on the island and a family trip may make it a bit more palatable.

Ultimately I think you need to suck it up for the sake of future relations with all your in-laws. Obviously the toddler will be very tired and it would it would only be right for you to retire to your room with them (and Netflix / wine / snacks), whilst your husband stays at the party

I got married on a 'remote' Scottish island that was 700 miles from where I was living at the time because it was where I grew up and where all my family were. It was a big wedding and lasted multiple days so once people were on the island they were well looked after. We still had some friends complain about having to travel that far (and a Scottish friend who worked on London who said her colleagues all thought it was the most exotic and adventurous place to travel to which she thought was hilarious).

Anyway, I can absolutely confirm that just the ferry and a cabin will cost the best part of £1K to get there. We live in the north of England now and it's just under 500 miles and can take 2 days to get there depending on the route we take.

There’s no way I would miss my brother’s wedding. It is not comparable to a first birthday party.

Did you miss that they would struggle to afford it?

I'd hate to waste money I couldn't afford and subject myself to 1000 miles in a car with a toddler.

Who knew that not everyone is the same and/or has cost constraints?

I think a lot of people on this thread don’t understand how far and inaccessible Scottish islands can be. They’re a pain for me, and I already live in Scotland. The ferries are unreliable and the flights extortionate. The roads to get there aren't brilliant and, in the summer, full of bloody campervans. Accommodation is limited.

The OP’s BIL and his fiancée sound quite self absorbed.

Neither of you really want to go for various very good reasons. You shouldn't feel pressured into attending any event you don't want to. Distance, cost and a weekend of toddler wrangling are excellent reasons not to go.

Exactly! Just go to a remote Scottish island for a honeymoon if it's so lovely. To expect guests to do all that traipsing is beyond arrogant and entitled.