AIBU to expect my ex to stop disrupting calls with our son?

[GearC]

My ex-wife shut down an online chess game I was playing tonight (Friday) with my son (14). He’s very keen on chess and had asked me to play. We’d been playing for about 10 minutes. She scolded him for being on his phone too much, and when he explained he was playing with me, she said, “He(I) can do it in his own time” and insisted he end the call. This isn’t an isolated incident—she has tended to show extreme controlling behaviour over the years. She regularly disrupts or curtails our calls, and a few years ago she completely stopped our once-a-fortnight video calls, saying they “invaded her privacy.” (I can say with 99% certainty it was actually payback for an unrelated argument a few days earlier)
For context, I have the kids (him and his 13-year-old sister) every second weekend and one evening midweek. My son is somewhat neurodiverse (undiagnosed) and has very few friends or social outlets. It’s really hard to see him spending so much time alone. These small interactions—like a game of chess—feel worthwhile. They give him a bit of connection and enjoyment, and for me they’re a way of trying to make up for the father-son time we’ve missed. Not being able to be there for him, especially given his situation, has been genuinely heartbreaking.
I want his mother once and for all to stop interfering in our relationship. I do nothing to interfere in her calls with the kids when I have them. They can talk as long as they want.

How long had your son spent on his phone that day? What time was the chess happening at?

8pm. About an hour. (10 mins with me)

How do you know he was only on the phone for an hour?

Family Link app

Why do you see your children so rarely?

I live 100 miles away. I have long hols which helps so I see them more often during hols.

Did she move away or did you?

I did. Moved back into my own house.

Phone calls or video calls that are hours long are intrusive. Yes, you’re calling your kid not her, but you are her ex. She doesn’t want your presence in her house, even if it is not in person. I can’t speak for your relationship but for some men, this would be a way of controlling/intimidating the ex and reminding them that even divorced they can’t be free of them.

If she is calling the kids during your custody time for hours then feel free to put a stop to that. Disclaimer: a ten min check in phone call for you both is perfectly fair

If you are genuinely worried about your children and wanting to spend more time with them, then move closer, get 50:50 custody and spend time in person. Don’t move away, barely see them and mistake quality father son time as being on a call playing online chess.

I mean, I think it's fair enough for her to be encouraging him to spend time off the phone if he's been on it for an hour. Especially if it's something he's very drawn to and he doesn't socialise often.

I think unless your calls are pre- agreed and scheduled then yes it could be seen as intrusive for you to be having lengthy calls, especially video calls and I personally wouldn't be remotely comfortable with my ex having a video call in my home. Clearly things are hostile between you both and its not an easy co parenting dynamic so that's amplified in your case. I think outside of a quick call to say hello and check in at an agreed time then you need to think seriously about the role you're playing here.

I have to say i think it's odd that you're essentially tracking your son remotely, seeing him rarely but then criticising his mother for trying to implement boundaries when she's the one doing the bulk of the parenting. I'm sorry but that's quite controlling behaviour in itself.

I think if you want to be more involved in your child's life then you need to move to be more present and take on your share of the load properly. You go to court and seek more contact with your son and then you stick to whatever agreement you can get in place. You can't say you want her to stop interfering when she's the one doing the majority of the parenting and managing his behaviour/ his screen time/ his routine on the daily.

How are you taking them mid week if you live 100 miles away? How does that work for schooling?

As a mother, maybe it's a different parenting style but I would 100% let my kids speak to their dad whenever they wanted to. Divorce is messy and clearly this dad would like to be more involved but it's not practical due to distance so this is something that benefits the child so it should be supported as long as it's not in the middle of dinner time or when he should be doing something else like getting ready for bed. Also, it's a bit unfair to assume he has the option to be closer - you don't know his circumstances. Jobs often drive where you can live.

For the op, it sounds like the relationship is quite strained but perhaps you should just have a discussion one on one with her and explain everything you did above about why you think it is benefiting your son and agree some boundaries together (miss the bit about her being controlling 😅). Emphasise that you want to make things easier for your kids so you're happy to take a call whenever they need but agree that you will both tell your son that he needs to ok it with the parent they're with beforehand and agree how long they'll be on something like that.

I think at age 14, neither parent should be interfering with when the child wants to interact with the other parent. Video calls can be done in the kids bedroom so the mum doesn’t have to be involved.

In theory yes I agree but when you've an isolated child who's spending large amounts of time on their phone or online then I think that's different. Perhaps she had plans for them to do something together that evening. Perhaps she's worried about the amount of time he's in a screen. Perhaps there's further history here we don't know as we're obviously only getting one side (not saying she's not controlling she obviously could be).

I'd also say that encouraging video calls for a ND child in their bedroom could be a safeguarding concern if they think that's OK to do with other adults/ friends outside of their parent.

This is very judgmental considering you know nothing about their situation. He's not interfering with her parenting but the child is old enough to say they want a phone call with their dad - who is still their parent and should still get a say. He might not have an option of living closer. I'm sure if he did he would push for whatever custody arrangement was best for the children anyway. And having an app to monitor usage is probably something both parents have so they can both support one another to limit their kids screen time. You seem to think if the dad is out of the house he's suddenly not a parent until the kids are back under his roof but you can't turn that off and on... Healthy co-parenting is agreeing principles and sticking with them together for consistency for your kids..

You're addressing a situation that doesn’t really reflect mine. If you have to introduce hypothetical scenarios to justify her reaction, that in itself might suggest how justified it actually was.
The interaction in question was a 10-minute game of chess that my son asked for. Most of our calls are brief—often just a few minutes—because that’s all he’s up for. So this isn’t about prolonged “presence” in her home or anything resembling control. It’s about very small, child-initiated moments of connection.
There’s no suggestion whatsoever of intimidation or control on my part, nor is there anything in what I wrote that would imply that.
Moving closer isn’t an immediate or straightforward option, for a variety of reasons. The question I raised was about a specific situation involving phone contact. Suggesting major changes to living arrangements or custody doesn’t address the immediate question.
I’m not suggesting that calls replace in-person time—they obviously don’t. But for a child who has limited social interaction, even a short, positive exchange like a game of chess can matter. That’s the context here.

I understand what you're saying but I'm just trying to point out that the other parent needs to be able to have some boundaries around screen time in their home as fits their parenting and the child's needs. Op himself has said this is a vulnerable and isolated child who is drawn to screens so it's not really much for a mother to be asking them to come off a screen and spend time with the rest of the family in an evening before bed. I'm not saying he's not a parent because he moved away from his kids (which he said was his decision) but whatever the reasons it has left the mother doing the bulk of the work, and he's using the little insight he's getting from an app to decide whether her boundaries are fair and appropriate or not? And that to me seems off.

"Healthy co-parenting is agreeing principles and sticking with them together for consistency for your kids.."

I totally agree but like I said that needs to be agreed and planned in a way that works for everyone. There's no reason why op can't negotiate a routine call in an evening with an agreed duration or method of contact that suits everyone.

When I refer to controlling behaviour, I’m not speaking in abstract terms—I’m going off lived experience. There was the occasion (during Covid) where my ex insisted we discuss an issue regarding the children before I left. I said I didn't want to have any potentially heated conversations in front of the kids and I’d call her when I got home. She insisted, I refused, she blew up. She followed me to my car and physically wedged herself in my car door to stop me leaving. When I tried to close the door, she started feigning as though I was assaulting her.
So when people suggest I might be the one overstepping or being intrusive for having a 10-minute game of chess with my son, you’ll forgive me if that doesn’t quite line up with my understanding of what “controlling” behaviour actually looks like.

Sounds like you already know perfectly well what you think.

What’s the history regarding court and being on the app?

Sorry. I don't understand the question.

I'm guessing they're asking if there's been an agreement through court where you can contact the kids when they aren't with you and what that looks like maybe?

Well, tough luck then

YANBU and I am pretty sure that by 14 the child has more of a say in seeing the parent. I feel sorry for DS that his Mum is controlling his life to such an extent that he’s not allowed to play chess with his Dad. It’s much easier to communicate that way than having a forced chat. She sounds unpleasant.

No formal agreement.
Perhaps it’s somewhat naive of me, but I genuinely believe that if the children want to speak to either parent, they should be able to—provided it’s not interfering with anything else going on in their home at the time.
There have been occasions where we’ve had longer conversations filled with joking and fun. That’s not every call, of course, but when it does happen, it’s simply children enjoying time with a parent.
I find it difficult to understand how that could be something to take issue with. Seeing your children happy and engaged in a positive interaction with the other parent should be a good thing. It’s probably one of the clearest tests of whether you truly want what’s best for them.