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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to expect my ex to stop disrupting calls with our son?

188 replies

GearC · 21/03/2026 00:09

My ex-wife shut down an online chess game I was playing tonight (Friday) with my son (14). He’s very keen on chess and had asked me to play. We’d been playing for about 10 minutes. She scolded him for being on his phone too much, and when he explained he was playing with me, she said, “He(I) can do it in his own time” and insisted he end the call. This isn’t an isolated incident—she has tended to show extreme controlling behaviour over the years. She regularly disrupts or curtails our calls, and a few years ago she completely stopped our once-a-fortnight video calls, saying they “invaded her privacy.” (I can say with 99% certainty it was actually payback for an unrelated argument a few days earlier)
For context, I have the kids (him and his 13-year-old sister) every second weekend and one evening midweek. My son is somewhat neurodiverse (undiagnosed) and has very few friends or social outlets. It’s really hard to see him spending so much time alone. These small interactions—like a game of chess—feel worthwhile. They give him a bit of connection and enjoyment, and for me they’re a way of trying to make up for the father-son time we’ve missed. Not being able to be there for him, especially given his situation, has been genuinely heartbreaking.
I want his mother once and for all to stop interfering in our relationship. I do nothing to interfere in her calls with the kids when I have them. They can talk as long as they want.

OP posts:
Newusername0 · 21/03/2026 12:00

If you looked after your children more it wouldn’t be such an issue

Itsmetheflamingo · 21/03/2026 12:00

you havent done much childcare, I can see why it’s frustrating that you swoop in on their time. She does all the slog and you get the quality time, everytime?

Justthethingsthatyoudointhisgarden · 21/03/2026 12:01

When I split up with exh, we were both reasonable enough to encourage the children to interact with each parent. Face to face, phone calls, whatever the child wanted.

I hope this answers your question!

GearC · 21/03/2026 12:01

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 21/03/2026 11:53

They live a hundred miles apart.
The dad decided to move that far away when he split up with the mother.

He moved back in to his old house in the city where he works. He had been commuting 30,000mile/year during the marriage.

OP posts:
writingsonthewall · 21/03/2026 12:02

Yeah she’s out of order but not alone in her way of thinking as demonstrated on this thread.

We don’t have her side of the story so on face value from what you’ve said he should be able to play a game of chess online with whoever he wants at 8pm on a Friday and she’s being controlling and alienating you by forcing him to hang up. It’s very sad. You could try court but not sure whether it would make any difference.

GearC · 21/03/2026 12:03

Newusername0 · 21/03/2026 12:00

If you looked after your children more it wouldn’t be such an issue

No. She keeps them from me. Refuses to let me have more time.

OP posts:
Newusername0 · 21/03/2026 12:06

GearC · 21/03/2026 12:03

No. She keeps them from me. Refuses to let me have more time.

She stops you seeing them? What did the courts suggest?

Periperi2025 · 21/03/2026 12:06

GearC · 21/03/2026 02:19

No formal agreement.
Perhaps it’s somewhat naive of me, but I genuinely believe that if the children want to speak to either parent, they should be able to—provided it’s not interfering with anything else going on in their home at the time.
There have been occasions where we’ve had longer conversations filled with joking and fun. That’s not every call, of course, but when it does happen, it’s simply children enjoying time with a parent.
I find it difficult to understand how that could be something to take issue with. Seeing your children happy and engaged in a positive interaction with the other parent should be a good thing. It’s probably one of the clearest tests of whether you truly want what’s best for them.

Edited

But it is interfering with something else going on in your ex's home, it's interfering with her parenting how she sees fit in her time.

She might have put in place a screen time limit, which you are then undermining, not deliberately but by being on at the end of the hour when he hits a limit, and then sulking because you feel you should get what you want.

If you really can't sort out 50/50 maybe arrange with your ex and your son an acceptable time to call and ask acceptable duration for each week.

Hoardasurass · 21/03/2026 12:07

GearC · 21/03/2026 11:59

That’s quite an impressive amount of assumption packed into one comment.
You’ve managed to conclude that I “abandoned” my parenting responsibilities, chose to only see my children in “scraps of time,” and engineered the entire situation myself—all without having the slightest idea of the actual circumstances. Nice work.
Unfortunately, none of that is accurate.
Parenting arrangements after separation aren’t something one person just redesigns on a whim, and “just move closer and get 50:50” isn’t how any of this works in reality.
As for the “intrusive” calls—if a 10-minute game of chess that my son asked for qualifies as that, then we’re clearly working with very different definitions of the word.
I’m not trying to replace being physically present with phone calls, and I’m not “leaving it all to mum.” I’m maintaining a relationship with my child within the structure that exists—something most people would consider fairly normal.
But by all means, if inventing a backstory that makes his mum a martyr helps your point, I can see why you’d go with that.

Whether you like it or not by choosing to move 100 miles away from your child yes you have abandoned all parenting and left it to mum.
Oh and I didn't invent anything I just repeated your words and the information that you gave in your posts

Hoardasurass · 21/03/2026 12:12

GearC · 21/03/2026 12:03

No. She keeps them from me. Refuses to let me have more time.

How exactly is she doing that.
You live 100 miles from your children as such you cant have them on a school day as you can't get them to of from school, that leaves weekends and you already have half of them, his mum is entitled to some fun time with her dc too especially when she does all the day to day slog.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 21/03/2026 12:12

Parenting arrangements after separation aren’t something one person just redesigns on a whim, and “just move closer and get 50:50” isn’t how any of this works in reality.
Then go to court to get acceptable arrangements ratified.
I'm not sure why you've never done this, given that you have such obvious contempt for your unfortunate ex.

As for the “intrusive” calls—if a 10-minute game of chess that my son asked for qualifies as that, then we’re clearly working with very different definitions of the word.
Yes, your calls do qualify as intrusive. Go to court and get things arranged legally, then everyone knows where they are.

I’m not trying to replace being physically present with phone calls, and I’m not “leaving it all to mum.”
Yes, you are. She had the daily grind of parenting. You do none at all.

I’m maintaining a relationship with my child within the structure that exists—something most people would consider fairly normal.
But it's not a structure which your ex finds acceptable, so it shouldn't be happening.

But by all means, if inventing a backstory that makes his mum a martyr helps your point, I can see why you’d go with that.
I'm not surprised your relationship ended, given your highly combative style. You don't seem able to accept that you've done anything wrong at all.

Why DID you post here? You're not seeking advice. You just seem to be here to pick a fight.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 21/03/2026 12:13

GearC · 21/03/2026 12:03

No. She keeps them from me. Refuses to let me have more time.

Move nearer.
Go to court.
HTH

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 21/03/2026 12:14

GearC · 21/03/2026 12:01

He moved back in to his old house in the city where he works. He had been commuting 30,000mile/year during the marriage.

So move nearer to the children and get another job if necessary.

Sux2buthen · 21/03/2026 12:16

Kid should be able to play chess with his dad if he wants to, simple really

Snorlaxo · 21/03/2026 12:18

You’ve had some bonkers replies.

A 14yo is legally allowed to choose how much contact they have with each parent. If you went to court and ds said he wanted 50/50 then you’d have 50/50 once you sold your house and moved closer etc If you can’t move then you’d get more time if ds agreed and voiced that in court. He’s had the right for at least a couple of years.

Playing online games is a perfectly normal way for teen boys to connect with their friends. I know that you’re his dad rather than a friend but some replies make it sound like it’s an outrageous thing to do. Does he play and use a gaming headset? Is it quite calm chat or does he get excited and shouty? Playing devil’s advocate here but how does this fit into Ds’ routine with mum? Does he have to be up early for a club on Saturday? Does he have a 1 hour time limit and he’s gone over that when playing the game?

As for the video call, you should have mentioned that ds was in the spare bedroom (is it his room?) and the camera was pointed at the ceiling. I’ve read many stories on here where the child walks around the house and films the other parent which is annoying and intrusive. playing devil’s advocate but does mum have the bedroom next to the spare bedroom and not like hearing your voice from the video call? I wonder if she’d be happier if ds used some AirPods or something so that she doesn’t hear your voice?

outerspacepotato · 21/03/2026 12:19

GearC · 21/03/2026 11:47

I got to carefully scrutinize the wall in the spare room upstairs once a fortnight.
Hugely "invasive" of course and far too big a price to pay for the fun it gave the children seeing their dad.

Snippy, eh?

It's a window into her home and she's within her rights to close it. You can also hear what's going on. She doesn't want you to have visual or auditory access to the inside of her home. That's it. Stay mad. You want contact on your terms in her home and that's not happening.

Dude. You moved. Get a grip. She doesn't have to do anything. You want contact, get a court order or move back.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 21/03/2026 12:21

Dude. You moved. Get a grip. She doesn't have to do anything. You want contact, get a court order or move back.

Yup.

GearC · 21/03/2026 12:22

Itsmetheflamingo · 21/03/2026 12:00

you havent done much childcare, I can see why it’s frustrating that you swoop in on their time. She does all the slog and you get the quality time, everytime?

Son asking dad to play a 10 minute game of chess = dad swooping in on their time.

Such balanced analysis.

For five years I was the go-to parent in the kids eyes. There was only one way mum could re-establish herself as primary caregiver.

OP posts:
AgnesMcDoo · 21/03/2026 12:24

She’s being an arsehole and at age 14 he should have a say over spending time on the phone with his dad.

IrradiatedHaggis · 21/03/2026 12:25

Hey everyone, can't you understand? It's her fault he moved away and didn't go to court for 50/50 residency of the children.

Hoardasurass · 21/03/2026 12:27

GearC · 21/03/2026 12:22

Son asking dad to play a 10 minute game of chess = dad swooping in on their time.

Such balanced analysis.

For five years I was the go-to parent in the kids eyes. There was only one way mum could re-establish herself as primary caregiver.

Edited

Now I know your not serious. You chose to move 100 miles away from your children and are now blaming their mum for that choice when you didn't even go to crt for custody

LBFseBrom · 21/03/2026 12:29

It's very ill mannered to interrupt anyone while they are having a phone call. Your son is fourteen, deserves more respect. I'm surprised he doesn't say something about it to his mother, I would in his shoes.

GearC · 21/03/2026 12:30

outerspacepotato · 21/03/2026 12:19

Snippy, eh?

It's a window into her home and she's within her rights to close it. You can also hear what's going on. She doesn't want you to have visual or auditory access to the inside of her home. That's it. Stay mad. You want contact on your terms in her home and that's not happening.

Dude. You moved. Get a grip. She doesn't have to do anything. You want contact, get a court order or move back.

Funny how the mother is front and centre in your thinking, but the children barely get a mention.

OP posts:
Barnsleybonuz · 21/03/2026 12:31

A 14 year old should be perfectl at liberty to spend as much time as he likes talking to his dad or playing chess with his dad. It’s entirely different to an 8 year old. Obviously there may be times when he can’t because of homework or dinner etc but otherwise, it’s entirely appropriate if that’s what he wants. He’s entirely of the age to make that decision himself

Wheresthebeach · 21/03/2026 12:42

Honestly these responses make me angry. Of course she shouldn’t be interfering. Good parents prioritise communication. Playing chess is a great way to connect and so
many posters just having a pop.