AIBU to expect my ex to stop disrupting calls with our son?

[GearC]

My ex-wife shut down an online chess game I was playing tonight (Friday) with my son (14). He’s very keen on chess and had asked me to play. We’d been playing for about 10 minutes. She scolded him for being on his phone too much, and when he explained he was playing with me, she said, “He(I) can do it in his own time” and insisted he end the call. This isn’t an isolated incident—she has tended to show extreme controlling behaviour over the years. She regularly disrupts or curtails our calls, and a few years ago she completely stopped our once-a-fortnight video calls, saying they “invaded her privacy.” (I can say with 99% certainty it was actually payback for an unrelated argument a few days earlier)
For context, I have the kids (him and his 13-year-old sister) every second weekend and one evening midweek. My son is somewhat neurodiverse (undiagnosed) and has very few friends or social outlets. It’s really hard to see him spending so much time alone. These small interactions—like a game of chess—feel worthwhile. They give him a bit of connection and enjoyment, and for me they’re a way of trying to make up for the father-son time we’ve missed. Not being able to be there for him, especially given his situation, has been genuinely heartbreaking.
I want his mother once and for all to stop interfering in our relationship. I do nothing to interfere in her calls with the kids when I have them. They can talk as long as they want.

5 hour round trip. I finish work at 2.30pm.

Who are you talking about now?

You sound very difficult and full of resentment for your ex anyway.

I don't think it's particularly unreasonable for the resident parent to limit screen time during their parenting time. As you said, you'd already been on the phone ten mins, so she isn't stopping contact. I think prolonged calls to your ex's house are intrusive and unwelcome.

If you're concerned about your ds' social contact, that's a different topic to discuss with your ex and has many solutions. I also think you absolutely do have the option to move closer and do more parenting. But it seems like the only solution you want is for her to give way and you do get what you want. Which is probably why she doesn't want your presence in her home.

Good luck with your future plans.
Your children need to see that you’re trying even if it does mean going back to court.
My parents divorced when I was 10, it was acrimonious and bitter, our Mum used to try and turn us against our Dad/limit access.
In the end, over the course of 5 years he ended up with all of us permanently 🙈 The eldest went first, then me a couple of years later then the youngest a couple of years after that.
Our Dad never gave up and we knew that, he is still our go to parent despite us all being grown up, he was/is amazing especially when 30 odd years ago being a single Dad was a rarity. I was the only one throughout secondary school in my group of peers that lived with their Dad as sadly too often they aren’t seen for dust.

Look OP, you’ve been extremely combative and defensive from the start. If you’re like this with your ex it’s hardly a surprise that things between you are acrimonious.

Posters here have seen many, many instances where the dad fucks off to do whatever he wants, only bothering with the child on every other weekend or so. Exactly as you described here. That may not be a fair reflection but objectively, it seems to tick all the boxes.

You claim to have had no choice about moving 100 miles away but that’s nonsense. You chose to move to make your life easier, rather than continuing to commute. Thats on you. In the meantime, the mum is left with the day-to-day grind.

Posters here have tried to explain why a call might feel intrusive. The camera may only be in the spare room but that’s missing the point.

Ideally yes, there would be no issues with you calling your son. And if your ex is just stopping them as a power move then yes, that’s dickish. But it sounds as if this was a particularly acrimonious split and although you’ve tried to paint her as controlling, the incidences you’re describing make you sound pretty controlling yourself. It’s just poor all round.

You say you believe your child is ND but undiagnosed. Most ND folk are better with structure, knowing what’s going to happen and when. Unplanned calls can make them dysregulated - it’s possible that your ex is seeing a fallout after the call. Or your son may find it harder to do other things that evening because of the unplanned call. Multiple things can be true - she may be cutting off the calls just to piss you off, but also, she may be dealing with behaviour you’re unaware of.

In your last post you said that you’re moving back. That’s a positive start. And yes, given that your co-parenting relationship seems to be poor, you’ll have to go through the courts. However, as your child is 14 years old it should be much easier as they get a say in what they want. 50/50 contact should be easily attainable. That would solve the problem, right?

I’m AuDHD myself with ND DC, and I’ve given similar advice to a female friend recently. Focus your energies on getting a practical solution in place - wasting your headspace on bitterness about your ex’s behaviour achieves nothing. You say your move back is imminent so start the ball rolling now with your solicitor. Court action takes time so get started.

Hi OP. Briefly, I am sorry to see that you've had the kicked out of you here.

I'm going to answer your original question as simply as I can. If you want to have a game of chess with your son at 8pm, could you ask him to check with mum that it isn't infringing with any other arrangements? Especially as a game of chess is going to take considerably longer that 10 minutes. The thing is that you don't know what's been going on in at home at that time, or what's been happening in the run up. Or you could message her, saying, 'oh, just about to start a game ... etc. Does it mess with any of your plans?'

Just an idea.

My partner’s ex does this. The kids want to speak to him but she’ll cut off video calls for ridiculous reasons. It’s purely a control thing.

I'm the stepmother of a young woman whose mother moved to Spain to take her away from her dad. All contact was remote via video calls but the mum had to be in or near the room, so that she could control what my DSD said to her dad.

My DSD stayed with him every Christmas, Easter and two weeks in the summer. She was instructed on what to say and what not to say to him when she stayed. This went on until she was 23 and came to live with us permanently nearly ten years ago. As result my DSD felt unable to tell her dad about th physical and emotional abuse she suffered.

Since she has moved in with us (she has SEN and is semi-independent) we have heard much more about how controlling and abusive her mother was. We have also been privileged to watch my DSD blossom into a lovely person. She went no contact with her mother only three years ago.

I am writing this to say that not every mother is as kind and caring as we might hope. It sounds as if the OP's ex is very controlling and doesn't want their DS to have quality time with his dad. I hope the OP can resolve this when he moves closer. And to answer your question, OP, no, you are not being unreasonable.

I have some sympathy with OP, but I suspect because he is male he won’t get a good hearing on MN.

I am a woman and I have every sympathy with him about this issue - and with his fourteen year old son who is entitled to have a private phone call.

Soon he'll be able to leave home.

You chose to move away. You could have rented nearby and sold the home 100 miles away. You could go to court to get an order allowing you to be raising your children 50/50. You would then be able to fully support your son with his difficulties. The 10 minute chess game feels important to you, but it really isn't the thing that will make your son's life better. It's just the only thing you can offer at the moment.

It’s appalling of her to restrict contact between you like this. My sons dad did the same and he is now NC. She’s being an arsehole but there’s not much you can do, your son will either rebel or withdraw from her eventually

It is frankly beyond me that so many "loving" mothers could attempt to characterise a 15–20 minute call between a father and his child as “intrusive.” It is a complete distortion of reality.
We are talking about a child who, through no fault of his own, was separated from a loving, involved, supportive father. Allowing him a basic, regular line of communication with his dad should be a given. To reframe that as something negative or inappropriate is, quite honestly, a form of gaslighting—trying to distort something entirely reasonable into something problematic in order to justify a position that simply doesn’t stand up to any scrutiny.
A short, private call between a father and his child does not intrude on anyone. It does not disrupt the household. It does not require the involvement or awareness of anyone else. Those who suggest otherwise are being utterly disingenuous.
If the situation were reversed, I would fully support and encourage him to speak to his mother as often and as long as he wants. That is what putting the children first actually looks like.

I thought it was a 10 minute call? It appears to be getting longer.

What are you arguing with women on Mumsnet for, exactly? Stop writing us ChatGPT essays. Go to court and sort out custody/visitation with your children. Move closer to them to facilitate this.

FWIW, if a mother said "I moved 100 miles away from my kids, i have them EOW, and their controlling father told stopped them from playing chess with me" I would be saying exactly the same thing to her - why did you move so far away, move back, go to court, get 50/50 custody and be a real presense in your children's lives. Then the 10 min chess game won't be the be all and end all.

No matter what you say OP women will "stay mad" as another poster said just because you deign to be a man. Having a penis on this site means you're evil and they throw around a lot of projection because theyre unhappy.

Phone calls or video calls that are hours long are intrusive. Yes, you’re calling your kid not her, but you are her ex. She doesn’t want your presence in her house, even if it is not in person.

I mean, that's kind of tough shit really. He's her ex but he's also the child's father.

My son used to have a weekly online gaming session with his dad that started at the beginning of lockdown.

I didn't see that as my ex being present in my house. I can't actually think of a single time that I was bothered by either of my children speaking to their dad.

It literally had no impact on me.

I'm amazed by some of these responses. Well, I mean, I'm not. But come on, some of these replies are ridiculous.

If i had kids and anyone told me to stop talking to them, I'd tell them to fuck right off.

Men would get ripped apart if they done this but because op is the man the women is still right, fuck off is she.
No one stops anyone talking to their children.
No matter the back story its the now that matter.

I think the back story matters a lot. Rashomon effect.The ex wife's story would be interesting.

Well if that’s the case, it would seem that call would be beneficial to the son, then? Unless it’s about punishing the father, of course? I’m surprised to find myself in a position defending a dad on here, but come on…

Better late than never.

Because finding a job, selling your house, finding a decent rental, and organising a move can be done overnight, obviously.

If he hadn't moved away in the first place he wouldn't need to move back.