AIBU to expect my ex to stop disrupting calls with our son?

[GearC]

My ex-wife shut down an online chess game I was playing tonight (Friday) with my son (14). He’s very keen on chess and had asked me to play. We’d been playing for about 10 minutes. She scolded him for being on his phone too much, and when he explained he was playing with me, she said, “He(I) can do it in his own time” and insisted he end the call. This isn’t an isolated incident—she has tended to show extreme controlling behaviour over the years. She regularly disrupts or curtails our calls, and a few years ago she completely stopped our once-a-fortnight video calls, saying they “invaded her privacy.” (I can say with 99% certainty it was actually payback for an unrelated argument a few days earlier)
For context, I have the kids (him and his 13-year-old sister) every second weekend and one evening midweek. My son is somewhat neurodiverse (undiagnosed) and has very few friends or social outlets. It’s really hard to see him spending so much time alone. These small interactions—like a game of chess—feel worthwhile. They give him a bit of connection and enjoyment, and for me they’re a way of trying to make up for the father-son time we’ve missed. Not being able to be there for him, especially given his situation, has been genuinely heartbreaking.
I want his mother once and for all to stop interfering in our relationship. I do nothing to interfere in her calls with the kids when I have them. They can talk as long as they want.

Then why on earth is she the primary care giver? That’s not how parenting works. One person doesn’t do more than the other

Alternate weekends and 1 evening in the week is hardly rarely! That’s pretty standard access arrangement with !

Agree. So much bitterness about him moving away and how he needs to go to court to get it sorted. What a waste of everyone’s time when the question in hand was about a simple video call and game of chess. The moving away or other contact is irrelevant to the question and she is being entirely unfair on the child making him hang up and saying he can play chess with his dad only on his dad’s time.

Maybe it’s not ideal he lives so far away but it’s not the point in discussion and the relationships with the child and his parents are being soured by a bitter and controlling mother.

I appreciate the reply—the number of bad faith commenters on here is wild.
You’ve raised some fair points around routine and context. If he’d been on his phone for hours, had something early the next morning, or was pushing past agreed limits, then fair enough—step in.
But that’s not what was happening here. This was a 10–15 minute game that he asked for, not a marathon session.
As for the video call point, a lot of people are jumping straight to worst-case scenarios that simply don’t apply. These weren’t long, intrusive calls or anything remotely like that. They were once a fortnight, on a laptop, in a spare room upstairs—completely separate from the main part of the house. Nothing was visible, nothing was audible, and there was no intrusion into anyone’s space.
Those calls were stopped following an argument a couple of days earlier. It had nothing to do with “boundaries” and everything to do with the timing of that disagreement.
All in the “best interests of the children,” of course.

This

Your wife sounds a bit ridiculous to be honest. I grew with my mum (my dad lived in a different continent) but she always encouraged me to talk to him on the phone as much as I want and during summer school holidays I used to visit him for 3-4 weeks. FYI my dad cheated on my mum and left us so he was on the wrong side. I would suggest maybe agree with your ex that you are allowed to talk to your kids daily for 1h if they wish? So she is not worried they will be on the phone for 2-3h but at the same time you ll get enough time talking to them.

It’s a shame you are getting so many biased and unbalanced responses that are not child focused OP.
its really hard to gauge without knowing the background issues to splitting, as it impacts what would be considered appropriate in terms of your Exs responses, but assuming you have not been abusive and are genuinely trying to offer your son support and connection I would suggest going to court to lock in arrangements that better prioritise the children. It’s clear from your post that there’s not going to be much headway organising it between you and would hopefully balance it out a little bit.

I think many of these replies are unnecessarily negative towards the OP. Playing chess with his Dad online isn’t quite the same as spending hours playing video games. The boy is fourteen and unless the family were just about to eat or go out I can’t see why he can’t choose for himself. If it were a week night I think Dad should check it wasn’t interfering with homework etc but Friday evening is usually a time to relax. The boy could play chess from his own room, no need for Dad to be impinging on Mum’s privacy. I think as he gets older now Mum needs to start to let him choose for himself. This is frustrating for you OP but obviously arguing about it will only stress your son so I don’t think there’s much you can do but I don’t think YABU.

Request to ex that you have a weekly time slot to play chess with dc?

Play online version woth headset so no need for cameras?

Hi @GearC sorry about your situation.

Are current arrangements court ordered? Sounds like from all your responses you’d be better going to Court to update access so you can spend more time with the kids. As your ex won’t do it amicably that will be best.

Your son’s wishes will be taken into account.

And I could guess that the mother resents her ex and that’s why she was in a bad mood over it. The thing is we don’t really know the context and people are just guessing to suit their agenda.

Based on the information you've given, it would certainly seem to be in your son's best interests to have the freedom to choose to play a game of online chess with you. It's not happening excessively or at antisocial hours. The phrase 'in his own time ' being used my his mum does not suggest child centered decision making. I can understand your frustration for your son.

But you would know all this already and clearly do so I'm curious about why you've posted.

I'd also like to know what it would take for you to be able to live close to your son.

As you’ve found, you’ll get a lot of responses making you out to a total arse, just because you’re a man. The first few responses were exactly what happens on here, people pick away until they find a thread in your story that they can swoop on and make out you’re to blame.

ignore the biased responses, there have been some good ones…

Go to the courts. Your children have the right to talk with you as much as they like. She's being a terrible parent.

I think this bears repeating. Also if chess is good for your son why not try to get him involved with a chess club so he can make more healthy friends.

Honestly, literally none of that poster's experience with regard to calls has parallels with mine.

Drives over and takes them out I suppose

I can’t say it would bother me, my son games with friends online. If my DH and I were apart and he wanted to online game with his Dad instead of one of his mates I would have 0 problem with this as long as school work was done and I wasn’t expected to allow more screen time then the settings currently allow.
If it hadn’t been you and it had been one of his friends I very much doubt she would have halted the game of chess.
I think you need to be present more though, you’ve described your son as neurodiverse who would get a lot out of your interactions because he is isolated.
My eldest is Autistic but has found his tribe (thankfully as primary school was awful) in secondary, however there have been times when he has had to rely on us doing things with him as he literally had no one else that wanted to hang out with him and do the activity he wanted.
Your son is of an age where he can choose who he lives with, if you have joint parental custody then there is nothing to stop you asking your Son if he would prefer to spend more time with you.
You moved 100 miles away back into your house, you may have to look at your options to be able to have more of an influence on your children, longer time in the holidays doesn’t really cut it especially if the description of your ex as controlling is accurate.

I appreciate your considered reply.
I will be in a position to relocate closer to the children very soon. That said, my ex has already made it clear that she won’t entertain any changes to the current access arrangements so I will have to go through the courts to address that.