AIBU to expect my ex to stop disrupting calls with our son?

[GearC]

My ex-wife shut down an online chess game I was playing tonight (Friday) with my son (14). He’s very keen on chess and had asked me to play. We’d been playing for about 10 minutes. She scolded him for being on his phone too much, and when he explained he was playing with me, she said, “He(I) can do it in his own time” and insisted he end the call. This isn’t an isolated incident—she has tended to show extreme controlling behaviour over the years. She regularly disrupts or curtails our calls, and a few years ago she completely stopped our once-a-fortnight video calls, saying they “invaded her privacy.” (I can say with 99% certainty it was actually payback for an unrelated argument a few days earlier)
For context, I have the kids (him and his 13-year-old sister) every second weekend and one evening midweek. My son is somewhat neurodiverse (undiagnosed) and has very few friends or social outlets. It’s really hard to see him spending so much time alone. These small interactions—like a game of chess—feel worthwhile. They give him a bit of connection and enjoyment, and for me they’re a way of trying to make up for the father-son time we’ve missed. Not being able to be there for him, especially given his situation, has been genuinely heartbreaking.
I want his mother once and for all to stop interfering in our relationship. I do nothing to interfere in her calls with the kids when I have them. They can talk as long as they want.

whats the purpose of this question? it doesn’t answer the question OP’s initial post.

cruel.

I think you are getting a bit of a hard time on here but it seems to me that the current arrangements need revisiting. The evening in the week - is that weekly or fortnightly? How do you manage that with a 200 mile round tri?

if you were to agree a night for a call with your kids, would that help? Equally if she’s phoning whilst you have them, agree when - has to be fair both ways if that’s how she wants it

The distance must really minimise your time with the kids when you do have them and is a long way for them to travel. Have you not considered moving and reducing the distance to a more manageable 50 miles and commuting to work 50 miles which should also be manageable?

Otherwise I think you need solicitors advice

That seems like an extremely sensible solution but given how vague OP has been about the “various reasons” that have prevented him from moving nearer his kids in the last six or so years, I’m guessing there’s an unmentioned girlfriend in the background who doesn’t want to move and who is being prioritized over the kids.

The OP has had over six years.
@GearC do you acknowledge that your ex has done the daily work of raising your children? It doesn't matter if at the point of the split you had to move, your children needed caring for. Six years later (at least?) you are still 100 miles away making sarcastic comments about the best interests of children. You see her as trying to speak to you face-to-face as a bad thing, this was during lock down, things couldn't have been easy for her. I think that there's probably frustration about the lack of parenting from you, but you want token phone calls when it suits you. Your son needs to ask his Mum when the phone calls and chess games can happen and you then follow her lead. Are you giving her extra maintenance to make up to her for solo parenting?

OP, I think you have made a massive mistake posting for any sort of advice on here. It's full of bitter, man hating women who are full of double standards. So you are never going get any sort of balanced response.
I hear you (and I am a woman)

My friends ex rings his kids every hour when she has them. It is part of his abuse and coercive control. He does it on purpose to interrupt her time with the children. He also has to bring them something every day again on purpose to interrupt. It is intrusive. It is constant. He will ring the kids 10 minutes after dropping them off for 'a chat'. It is really damaging as he hears her telling the kids to get ready for bed and he is on the phone telling them to ignore her etc.

So it can impact on the other party negatively. Arrange a time and frequency with her that you both agree on. Then stick to it.

Op has received quite a number of balanced suggestions ranging from trying to get a better arrangement in place through court, or trying to negotiate and work in better collaboration with his ex. He has completely ignored all of those suggestions and as far as he's written has made no effort in the past 6 years to take action on any of these fronts. Im sorry but personal accountability where its due.

I'm by no means saying that his ex is a saint of any sort (and I personally can't stand women who wilfully and maliciously withhold contact because it gives the rest of us a bad name when trying to legitimately protect a child) but when you're dealing with a difficult ex you try to work with them and if that fails you go to court and fight it out. What you don't do is sit on your hands, watch it impact your kids and do nothing. I'd imagine that many of the 'bitter man hating women' you're referring to have been through that exact process with a horrible ex which is the exact reason why they've no sympathy for op and are calling bullshit. If he had come on here and shown that he's exhausted every possible avenue fighting for his kids and trying to work with his ex as well as possible using mediation or similar I'd have every sympathy for him. But he's not showing that he's done any of that in the past 6 years and has avoided answering any questions in that vein.

I think I recommended something along the lines of checking in with the mum several eons ago, to ensure that a game of chess wouldn't impact on any other plans.

The bottom line is when you have children with someone you are no longer in a relationship with, it’s your duty as a parent to ensure they can have contact with them. It’s
not about you. That ship sailed when you had kids.

Unless there’s an issue op hasn’t disclosed, the mother should not be limiting the son’s call with his father. He’s playing a game of chess, which is something the child enjoys and is beneficial.

Which is worse. Good relationships with BOTH parents are so important for confidence and future personal relationships. His mum should be putting her child's well being first, not her dislike of her ex. If she has a problem it's her problem only and she needs to grow up. I could see the point if the calls were taking place in the family living area and lasting for hours, but they're not. It just doesn't occur to some people that their exes have moved on and don't care what colour your walls are, they just want to speak to their child and the child wants to speak to them.

Just saw this comment now... the non resident moved away, naturally they will have less contact with the kids. Why didn't they stay closer?
Do they want contact for the boring things? What about doing homework together on zoom? Or do they only want the chess games and the fun part?

"Unless there’s an issue op hasn’t disclosed, the mother should not be limiting the son’s call with his father."
Clearly there's an issue the OP hasn't disclosed, probably several, that's the massive elephant in the room...

Same answer. Why should the child miss out on the chess call because of that? Unless it’s about punishing the non-resident father and not about what’s best for the child? Aside from all of your projecting there about what’s going on with this scenario.