AIBU to expect my ex to stop disrupting calls with our son?

[GearC]

My ex-wife shut down an online chess game I was playing tonight (Friday) with my son (14). He’s very keen on chess and had asked me to play. We’d been playing for about 10 minutes. She scolded him for being on his phone too much, and when he explained he was playing with me, she said, “He(I) can do it in his own time” and insisted he end the call. This isn’t an isolated incident—she has tended to show extreme controlling behaviour over the years. She regularly disrupts or curtails our calls, and a few years ago she completely stopped our once-a-fortnight video calls, saying they “invaded her privacy.” (I can say with 99% certainty it was actually payback for an unrelated argument a few days earlier)
For context, I have the kids (him and his 13-year-old sister) every second weekend and one evening midweek. My son is somewhat neurodiverse (undiagnosed) and has very few friends or social outlets. It’s really hard to see him spending so much time alone. These small interactions—like a game of chess—feel worthwhile. They give him a bit of connection and enjoyment, and for me they’re a way of trying to make up for the father-son time we’ve missed. Not being able to be there for him, especially given his situation, has been genuinely heartbreaking.
I want his mother once and for all to stop interfering in our relationship. I do nothing to interfere in her calls with the kids when I have them. They can talk as long as they want.

He moved into a property that was already his near his work.

They’ve been separated since before Covid so there’s been a little more time than “overnight” to get things sorted.

Being honest, would you want someone who made you feel uncomfortable listening in to your home? What if it was a person who has form for criticising your parenting or telling others you don't love your children? Can you see why that's uncomfortable?

It's clear you have a negative view of your ex. She has a right to a private life. She clearly isn't stopping contact, just doesn't want it stretching on for longer periods.

You need to make the necessary changes to have more contact with your dc to play an active parenting role, not expect your ex to further bend her boundaries.

So will you be taking her to court for 50/50 since you are talking the talk about how it wasn’t your choice to leave and move 100 miles and be an every other weekend dad then?

My children have been allowed (for want of a better word) to speak to their Dad whenever and for however long they like (outwith bedtimes of course - but that's never been an issue because it's a mutual agreement they went to bed in good time for school, obviously). He's their other parent for goodness sake.

All these posters only caring about the mum, not caring about the child at all or the damage limiting a relationship with a parent does.

A 14 year old playing a game of chess with his Dad on a Friday night in a room away from the main living area, Jesus wept.

But yet, why would that be a good reason to restrict the son from playing chess online with him? Is this about punishing the dad or doing what’s right for the son?

Indeed. But he'd sacrificed so much, commuting to work and everything. It's not like he wanted a medal, is it?...

A 14 year old playing a game of chess with his Dad on a Friday night in a room away from the main living area, Jesus wept.

Yes, posters seem to want the dad to be somehow worthy of the phone call with the son rather than what’s best for the son on what seems to be a pretty minor matter for a 14-year-old.

Ironically, it’s rather making the case for the dad, rather than the mum. And I am still surprised to find myself on this side of a post on Mumsnet.

Because the OP is inserting himself into his ex-wife's household. A game of Chess takes far longer than 10 minutes. We all know this.
It wasn't about Chess.

Although Chess is what the OP is playing and I think his ex-wife is wise to that.

Presumably he's not allowed to speak to any friends or other relatives then, as it's her household and not her sons. Sounds awful for the poor boy.

You're being disingenuous. Other family and friends are not the sticking point. And you know that.

Its a shame you live so far away & can’t up the time you have both children

she shouldn’t be doing this & whilst she might think she is getting at you, what she is doing is isolating her son.

I think you might need to talk to her and agree that now they are teenagers, within reason, they should be free to contact you by phone, text, video calls, online chess or whatever when it suits them

Who's to say it's anything to do with punishing anyone. For all we know she'd asked him to tidy up and he hasn't done it, or she's noticed he's already been on a screen for at least an hour and feels that's long enough and wants him to get involved in something else the family are doing. Or maybe she wanted some quality time with her son in the evening before bed. We don't know how many other evenings op has phoned that week. We don't know what way the exes evening has gone.

Op has assumed shes deliberately intercepting the relationship between him and his son, but we (and op) don't actually know the full context of their day or their week. As the primary parent she does need to be able to make a judgement call on things like screens without being undermined. Which is why communication between op and the ex is the real issue here.

If op and his ex were able to have a remotely healthy co parenting relationship then he could have text her and asked about it and come to an agreement around this type of interaction. He could have gone to court to seek an agreement around such contact. But he's not done any of that, he's gone on here to vent about his ex. Instead of actually acting on the bits that are within his control. I think what's unreasonable is sitting back and complaining that you don't get on with your ex while expecting them to act like you do. If his ex has shown him clearly that she's not willing to work with him, then he needs to go to court to resolve that and gain more access to his children.

Its absolutely nothing about him being a man, I'd say the exact same to a woman in this scenario.

Because I was replying specifically to the comments criticising him for moving away…

Had you of been a woman the replies on this post would be very different and I'm pretty disgusted in some replies tbh .
He's 14 old enough to decide if he wants to talk to his dad he can do that in his bedroom that in no way impacts her or her privacy its purely a control move nothing more . If she won't allow phone calls etc then the same should go at your home she might then realise how bloody idiotic her behaviour is . The joy of older children is they can have contact with the other parent so you dont have to , personally I found it great once my kids were old enough to call their dad and arrange things themselves because it meant I didn't have to speak to him .
You are not in the wrong here .

If he's in his own bedroom what's the big deal why are you bending over backwards to try and justify her ridiculous behaviour !
This is about punishing the dad having control and screw the poor kid who just wants to play a game of online chess with his dad !

I haven't read all of the post because it was making me annoyed.
As a single parent to 2 ND children of similar ages to yours, I think it's great that you are trying to stay so involved!
My children's dad also moved away and works a lot, so only sees them for a few hours each week. Restricting the access he has to his own children because of choices he made regarding our relationship would only punish the children.
Regardless of what caused the breakdown of your relationship, your kids are old enough to make their own decision about how much contact they want with either parent. In terms of the chess, if they really had used up all of their screen time, I would have made an exception and allowed them to finish the game and say goodnight etc and encouraged them to arrange a more convenient time to play next time.

I think the op's unpleasant and aggressive manner on this thread probably gives us a clue as to why his ex doesn't want his presence in her house.

He wants her to fall in line with his wishes, and she doesn't owe him that.

I'd go so far as to question whether we're actually sure the ds wanted the call, because I wonder how easy he'd find it to say if he didn't, when the op clearly doesn't easily accept a "no". For all we know he's signalling for his dm to get him out of the situation.

If one parent is preventing their child from speaking to the other because they find it “intrusive”, this is not putting the child first. This is selfish in the extreme. You need to just grow up and get over it.

He moved to a house that he already owned. I went through a house purchase simultaneously with a divorce. It's not pretty.

Could you apply to have some extra time with your son, but online (as you’re so far away)?

Chess is surely a good activity for him.

This

And it wasn't a 10 minute game. You were 10 minutes INTO your gaming with him online.

What does "somewhat neurodiverse (undiagnosed)" mean?

Indeed. It means nothing at all.