AIBU to expect my ex to stop disrupting calls with our son?

[GearC]

My ex-wife shut down an online chess game I was playing tonight (Friday) with my son (14). He’s very keen on chess and had asked me to play. We’d been playing for about 10 minutes. She scolded him for being on his phone too much, and when he explained he was playing with me, she said, “He(I) can do it in his own time” and insisted he end the call. This isn’t an isolated incident—she has tended to show extreme controlling behaviour over the years. She regularly disrupts or curtails our calls, and a few years ago she completely stopped our once-a-fortnight video calls, saying they “invaded her privacy.” (I can say with 99% certainty it was actually payback for an unrelated argument a few days earlier)
For context, I have the kids (him and his 13-year-old sister) every second weekend and one evening midweek. My son is somewhat neurodiverse (undiagnosed) and has very few friends or social outlets. It’s really hard to see him spending so much time alone. These small interactions—like a game of chess—feel worthwhile. They give him a bit of connection and enjoyment, and for me they’re a way of trying to make up for the father-son time we’ve missed. Not being able to be there for him, especially given his situation, has been genuinely heartbreaking.
I want his mother once and for all to stop interfering in our relationship. I do nothing to interfere in her calls with the kids when I have them. They can talk as long as they want.

I strongly encourage my kids to call and text their dad if they want to tell him some news or ask a question throughout the week. However theres no history of abuse or using the kids to get at each other. Only you will know if theres a back story that affects this. But assuming there isnt i think you and your kids should call and text each other whenever the need arises. Video calls are a little bit intrusive in the home so he should keep them to his bedroom probably.

“Somewhat neurodiverse (undiagnosed)” is an informal way of saying:

• “Neurodiverse”: The person's brain seems to work a bit differently from what’s considered typical (neurotypical). This can relate to things like ADHD, autism, dyslexia, etc.
• “Somewhat”: I notice some traits or tendencies.
• “Undiagnosed”: He hasn't been formally assessed or diagnosed by a professional.

What's so hard to understand about it?

(cue next sneering, bad faith response)

People are either autistic or not autistic.

If your son is showing some traits of neurodiversity, he should undergo testing.

(cue next sneering, bad faith response)

You're the one who is writing sneering and bad faith responses @GearC

You are unwilling to accept that you could be wrong in any way.

This does give us a clue as to why your ex doesn't seem to be terribly keen on you.

To paraphrase Dorothy L. Sayers:

"he seemed to have had the word "compromise" left out of his make up".

"People are either autistic or not autistic."

Right, because human brains definitely come in only two settings: “autistic” and “standard". No grey area. Medicine, psychology, decades of research—all overcomplicating what is clearly a simple on/off switch.

Onceuponasunflower ·
What does "somewhat neurodiverse (undiagnosed)" mean?
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne
Indeed. It means nothing at all.

You chose to take one of the most sensitive aspects of a person's life—his child's struggles—and turn it into a smart-ass, dismissive remark.
You followed it up with blatant insults and made unfounded assumptions about my divorce, despite the fact that I had not said a single disrespectful thing to you.
And then play victim.

It's her time and I wouldn't want my child online at night, regardless of what they're doing.

There's no need to write of yourself in the third person.

Where am I "playing victim"?

You're right. "Sanctimonious moraliser" would be better.
Calling out third-person phrasing after quoting Dorothy L. Sayers rather makes the point.

Thanks for confirming what most of us already knew about you.

Calling out third-person phrasing after quoting Dorothy L. Sayers rather makes the point

Oh, I don't think so.

Neurodiversity involves a cluster of known traits, which exist on the overall human spectrum of personality. There’s a point at which neurodiversity is diagnosable as a recognizable challenge or difference from the norm. So yes, in that regard, you are diagnosed as either “on the spectrum” or not. The autism spectrum is a zone within the range of human functioning.

My nephew is neurodiverse (back in the day he’d have been said to have Asperger’s Syndrome, but now that is just diagnosed as part of the spectrum). It’s not a significant impairment but it’s almost immediately apparent to anyone who deals with him. He’s not “somewhat autistic”, he’s on the autism spectrum.

My daughter on the other hand has some characteristics that could indicate a neurodiversity (she’s very sensitive to noise, fabric textures etc) but there’s no additional cluster of traits that would give the casual observer pause or rise to a diagnosable level. She’s just a sensitive kid.

My mum, who worked with special needs kids her whole career, had my nephew’s mild autism pegged before he was five; she has never mentioned any thoughts about my daughter being neurodiverse. It’s definitely something that can be diagnosed by experts as there or not there. If you believe your son is being impaired by autism, you owe it to him to get a formal diagnosis.

Oh god these bloody women on here 🤬 your ex is toxic and needs to back the fuck up and let the kids contact their dad whenever they want! So sick of these toxic women and they wonder why the kids grow up and go non contact

15% suggests otherwise.

Onceuponasunflower ·
What does "somewhat neurodiverse (undiagnosed)" mean?
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne
Indeed. It means nothing at all.

You've see no problem with the tone of what I responded to?

A lot of comments seem to be shaped by bitter split ups and poor relationships. Having not been in that boat (touch wood) my take is perhaps naive.

If the child who's a teen, is capable of making the decision to call his parent he should be allowed to finish the call. That parent however should have a strategy agreed with the other parent that there are caveats ie homework is already done, the teen has not spent x hours gaming etc. If the teen has broken those rules that's when the call/game should be interrupted.

If both parents were together the game would be stopped if that were the case. Ideally.

You really aren't helping yourself here. All you are doing is proving exactly why your ex doesn't want your hours long chess games by phone/video call during her time, whilst blaming everyone else for your choices and actions, "look what you made me do" is the abusers mantra so you might want to think about how you are coming across to other people especially those who are used to dealing with abusers and child custody cases like cafcas, ss and judges who will be much more scathing of your choices than the posters on this thread have should you choose to go to crt.

The point that the posters you are attacking are trying to make is that if you really believe that your son has asd, adhd or something else going on then you are failing him by not getting him assesd, whilst simultaneously belittling those who have asd by implying that you can be a bit autistic no you cant, you are either asd or not same with adhd. If you meet the diagnostic criteria threshold you have asd and/or adhd if not then you don't.
Oh and before you go off on me aswell im autistic so is my son who also has adhd and several other conditions so please don't use ablist phrases like "somewhat nd" in the future thanks

In theory yes however when you have a parent who does the bare minimum parenting due to moving 100 miles away (his choice to move btw) and then blames mum for stopping him having his dc more than every other weekend, who then refuses to answer how he could have more time in term time as he cant get them to or from school mid week due to him living 100 miles from their school and mum being entitled to spend some weekends with her dc instead of just doing all the hard slog mid week and getting no fun/down time with them (no crt would agree to 1 parent having every weekend btw).
A man who starts a chess game at 8pm and gets pissy enough to start a thread about mum saying its too late after 10-20 minutes depending on which of the ops posts you believe, with the knowledge that chess games often take hours and uses the thread to verbally denigrate his ex at every opportunity and makes passive aggressive comments to anyone who doesn't buy his line of parental alienation is clearly someone who cant be reasonable in a co parenting relationship

The problem here is that people can hide behind their pseudonyms. They will beat you into a pulp for the joy of winning. Its a shame, as there are also many people on here who actually care.

My suggestion is the you ignore the witches, etc. They are not worth your effort.

I suggested some time ago on here that you perhaps contact your ex-wife. Make sure that there's nothing else going on before you start a chess game at 8pm. Just an idea, but could work, and it would shed you in a 'considrate' light.

BTW @GearC I'm also autistic, and I have three autistic children.

Suppose everyone agrees that YANBU (which they don't anyway), what exactly are you planning to do with that? Are you going to screenshot the replies that agree with you and send them to your ex as 'proof' that you're right?!

Tbh, you sound just like my ex BIL, who skews all of these sort of stories to make him look like an amazing dad, and my sister to look like a controlling, unreasonable shrew, even when there were witnesses to contradict him 🙄 In reality, he is the controlling, stalking, abusive partner. Are you? 🤔

At the end of the day, your son's mother is the one doing the bulk of the parenting, and if she's trying to limit screen time then your job is to support that, not undermine it. Unless undermining your ex is what you do best 😒

I was reading a thread earlier today about a 14 year old who would rather spend time in his room gaming instead of watching a film with his mother and siblings. The consensus was that he should be allowed to do that. What’s the difference here?

The difference here is that the mother has primary custody and she doesn't want her ex (who moved a hundred miles away) to intrude into her life.
We only have the OP's version of events, but he hasn't covered himself in glory with his snippy answers on this thread, so my sympathies are with the wife.

Totally agree. And after rereading his posts one after the other, far too many of his points sound like they've come from the F4J chat boards for my liking 😒

OMG don't they just.

Yabu. You didn't prearrange a time to play chess with your son. Next time do that. Remind him to not use up his screen time for other things, so he could use it with you. If he chooses to spend his daily screen time, playing online games. Then that is not the mothers fault.

Ds1 secondary school keeps on sending messages on the dangers of social media on children. Your son is still a child who needs adult supervision when using social media. If he can talk to you using the chess game, there is the potential for groomers to do the same.

I also take away ds1 moblie phone and only give it to him at certain times. He is however, allowed to contact his father using the house phone during no screen time. That is only limited by bedtime and other prearranged activities.

I encourage my son to share his calander with his father, so ex knows when dc are busy. And during assessment week, ex needs to use the house phone to contact dc and vice versa. Moblie phones get taken away two weeks before and on actual assessment weeks. My other two dc don't have a moblie phone and it was ex who bought ds1 a phone.

Since you used to regularly commute before, can you see your dc more often during the week? Take them out to dinner?

My main priority for now, would be putting your son on the waiting list for an assessment. School might even put in reasonable adjustments for your son to help him thrive. Do this before GCSE start. Time is ticking.