AIBU - I do not want to tell DH I’m pregnant it’ll only get his hopes up after previous miscarriages

[DeepShaker]

I’m not really sure what I’m looking for here maybe just somewhere to say this out loud.

I’m 35 and DH 38, we’ve been trying for a baby. It’s been a really difficult journey. I’ve had two miscarriages and they’ve affected me more than I think I realised at the time. Lately I feel like I’m really struggling emotionally possibly depression, though I haven’t spoken to anyone properly about it yet.

I take care of myself I eat well, I exercise, I try to do all the “right” things and yet my body has let me down in a way I can’t seem to make sense of. Some days I can barely look at myself. I keep going over everything, wondering if I’ve done something wrong or if this is somehow my fault. I’ve even found myself trying to link it to things in my past, or karma, which I know probably isn’t rational but that’s where my head has gone.

DH and I had decided to try one last time, and if it didn’t work, take a break and then maybe look at adoption.

Today I found out I’m pregnant again. I haven’t even told DH yet. I feel awful saying that, but I’m scared to let him get excited. He’s so much more hopeful than me, and so much stronger emotionally. I don’t know how to be hopeful anymore I just feel anxious and detached.

My sister recently had a baby and when I went to meet my nephew, I had to leave early because I got so upset. I ended up crying in the car and felt so guilty because I am happy for her but I just couldn’t cope in that moment. I didn’t even want to hold my own nephew I was there for all of maybe 15 mins.

Part of me feels like maybe I should just accept that I might not have a child of my own, and try to make peace with that. I do have good things in my life a supportive husband, we recently got a cocker spaniel and that’s helped me a lot. I have a job I like, DH has a great job, we are privileged enough to never really have to think about money, we have a nice home but even the house feels complicated. We bought a 5 bedroom family house in SW London, and being surrounded by families all the time is a constant reminder of what we don’t have. I’ve even suggested to DH that maybe we should sell and start somewhere new, though I don’t know if that’s running away or not.

I suppose I just needed to get this out. Has anyone else who wanted children felt like this

Wishing you well, keeping my fingers crossed for you. I had a miscarriage in my 20s, followed by a positive test.. it was thought to be twins and I lost one. Met second DH,he was 7 years younger had no dcs. Id always had gynae issues, I was 39, told to get a move on by my lovely GP. Got pregnant,MC at 2 months . Then my baby at 41, (followed rapidly by the menopause!) I was going to say tell him, but wondering how he didn't know,you had missed 2 periods. I wouldn't tell anyone else yet. I had to have an amnio because of my age, I didn't announce it till 20 weeks. Lots of love.

Everything is crossed for you. X

Sorry if I missed but how long have you been trying?

Just over a year so not long I think it’s more so the fact that I’ve been pregnant and had miscarriages. If it was a year of trying and no luck I would be fine wish that but having miscarriages has really affected me emotionally.

I was on contraception for a while and coming off that messed with my periods etc.

Aww, I really hope it works out for you, OP. Please keep us all updated 🙏🏿

Thank you I will keep the thread updated. Nervous for the scan but excited 🤗

Congratulations 🎉 🤗

I have a scan next week and we can go from there DH and I don’t want to get our hopes to high our first pregnancy we got too excited and it was very difficult when I had a miscarriage, second pregnancy we were more hopeful but we had a if her miscarriage so now we just want to take it day by day and see how it all goes. We don’t want to share for a whole first, as the difficult part was telling people I’d had a miscarriage.

Statistically having two miscarriages doesn’t mean you are likely to be infertile. The majority of women (~75%) who have had two miscarriages will go on to have a successful pregnancy third time around. Even after three, the percentage is not catastrophically low. This is why the NHS doesn’t investigate women until after they have had three miscarriages.

You should do whatever feels right to you in terms of telling your partner but please don’t dwell too much on the risk of being infertile because that’s still a long way off. The fact that you have conceived twice in a year is a good sign that everything is working as it should. Around one in five of conceptions end in miscarriage so having two in row is statistically not that uncommon, and certainly not a sign of anything significantly wrong.

Wishing you all the best.

Just popped by to say that for recurrent miscarriage, the nhs ran a programme where scans happened every week until week 13. They were not quite sure why it worked, but it was thought to reduce maternal anxiety. So an early scan could be a good thing.

I had 2 MCs before 3 healthy babies and I totally understand. My DH actually looked horrified when I told him about pregnancy 3 and said I can't do this again.

But we did. We kept it to ourselves until the 12 week scan which showed everything seemed ok.

Congratulations! I truly hope everything continues to go well x

Came on here to say congratulations. My advice would be to stay in your nice happy bubble with your husband, rest, feet up watching nice tv, eating the most nutritious food. Every hour, day your embryo gets bigger and stronger. Just concentrate on one moment at a time.

What happy news @DeepShaker. Do whatever feels best for you. I hope everything is perfect when you have your scan.

Just seen your update. Best of luck!

Good luck OP
I didn’t tell anyone apart from DH when we were expecting until 20 weeks and we’d had all our scans etc so please don’t put any pressure on yourself to tell your wider circle.
Keeping everything crossed for you x

IVF helps people who can't conceive get pregnant, it doesn't keep you pregnant.

This person can evidently conceive naturally.

Unfortunately IVF isn't a cure for miscarriages.

However there are interventions that may be able to help in some cases of recurring miscarriage which is why I would recommend seeing a specialist now.

I just want to say that I really hope this is your rainbow baby.x

How sure are you that you are nine weeks? I’m only asking because it’s quite late to find out that you are pregnant. I just wanted to say that if you get to the scan and you are measuring much earlier then don’t worry. Do you know when you ovulated?

Congrats op and I hope everything goes well this time around. When I was pregnant after miscarriage not everyone knew about the loss and it felt too much to explain. I waited and couldn't really get excited until my 20 week scan and only told people after that so I understand how you feel xx

You don’t need to tell anyone until you’re comfortable. You’ll know when you’re ready to tell people so don’t put any pressure on yourselves, be in your bubble.

Gosh I do remember when it felt like EVERYONE was pregnant around me, it was draining and would almost spoil the rest of the day/evening for me. Trying to get pregnant was all consuming for us. It was probably unhealthy looking back.

I have everything crossed for you that it all works out. It helped me to take the pregnancy in small steps and celebrate each milestone. First private scan, 12wk scan, start of 2nd trimester, first feeling of movement, 20wl scan, 24wks, start of third trimester etc. But I was nervous throughout, I can’t pretend it was easy.

My best friend who had a baby at the time gave me advice to try and enjoy the pregnancy as much as I could because you never know if you’ll be able to have another one. That helped me focus a bit more on the positives and just enjoy the small milestones and not think too far ahead.

I’m sorry about your previous loss OP. Keeping fingers and toes crossed for you. I would tell your DH because it’s his baby, too. I think he may be upset you carried the burden alone or he may feel deceived.

My spontaneous losses were usually at 5-7 weeks. I think you may just have yourself a successful pregnancy there 🙏

I wouldn't blame you if you didn't for a bit.

I'm pregnant again after multiple losses and regret telling mine as I'm pretty sure it's not going to work out and now we're in limbo together. As it was IVF there was no chance of keeping it to myself until 9 weeks already. If I was you, I'd book a scan and probably tell him the night before. The bit I cant stand is the bit I'm living now - the bit where you're pregnant and terrified and unsure. I would always want his support during and after a loss. It's the waiting that I feel might be easier alone.

I had a mmc which was devastating.
I have two DC now who are 18 and 19.
I am keeping you in my thoughts x

All the best OP. I had 2 miscarriages between child 1 and 2 and I sympathise. I hated going for scans as I was sure something would be wrong. It is very hard to remain positive but take it day by day. All was fine in the end with us so I hope for the same for you xx

I am aware of that having had IVF. They might also discover the cause.

In the olden days women often wouldn't tell the father until quite late on.