AIBU - I do not want to tell DH I’m pregnant it’ll only get his hopes up after previous miscarriages

[DeepShaker]

I’m not really sure what I’m looking for here maybe just somewhere to say this out loud.

I’m 35 and DH 38, we’ve been trying for a baby. It’s been a really difficult journey. I’ve had two miscarriages and they’ve affected me more than I think I realised at the time. Lately I feel like I’m really struggling emotionally possibly depression, though I haven’t spoken to anyone properly about it yet.

I take care of myself I eat well, I exercise, I try to do all the “right” things and yet my body has let me down in a way I can’t seem to make sense of. Some days I can barely look at myself. I keep going over everything, wondering if I’ve done something wrong or if this is somehow my fault. I’ve even found myself trying to link it to things in my past, or karma, which I know probably isn’t rational but that’s where my head has gone.

DH and I had decided to try one last time, and if it didn’t work, take a break and then maybe look at adoption.

Today I found out I’m pregnant again. I haven’t even told DH yet. I feel awful saying that, but I’m scared to let him get excited. He’s so much more hopeful than me, and so much stronger emotionally. I don’t know how to be hopeful anymore I just feel anxious and detached.

My sister recently had a baby and when I went to meet my nephew, I had to leave early because I got so upset. I ended up crying in the car and felt so guilty because I am happy for her but I just couldn’t cope in that moment. I didn’t even want to hold my own nephew I was there for all of maybe 15 mins.

Part of me feels like maybe I should just accept that I might not have a child of my own, and try to make peace with that. I do have good things in my life a supportive husband, we recently got a cocker spaniel and that’s helped me a lot. I have a job I like, DH has a great job, we are privileged enough to never really have to think about money, we have a nice home but even the house feels complicated. We bought a 5 bedroom family house in SW London, and being surrounded by families all the time is a constant reminder of what we don’t have. I’ve even suggested to DH that maybe we should sell and start somewhere new, though I don’t know if that’s running away or not.

I suppose I just needed to get this out. Has anyone else who wanted children felt like this

That is progress. Everything crossed for you.

Op I had 3 miscarriages and an ectopic with my exh. I now have a 6mo and I'm pregnant so don't give up yet. I'm 36. Sending you all the love

Wishing you all the luck in the world OP.
I really hope it works out for you this time.

I would tell your GP and maybe get any early scan if you think it will help you, especially mentally.

Again, personal choice but you & your DH are a team. Being in it together rather than dealing with the anxiety on your own might also help.

Previous miscarraiges aren't your fault. They aren't something you can control. I really hope you can accept that.

If you really want a child, I would keep hoping, until hope has been ruled out. Hope for now amd also for the future.

Right now, you are pregnant which is positive. Take it one day at a time.

If not, fertility investigations are worthwhile - in most cases, not all, they can pin point the issues and treat in in so many ways.

I can't have children. I had to give up when it was over and counselling really helped (especially with the self blame) and somehow knowing why and that there was absolutely nothing I could do differently helped massively.

That said, I know of so many friends and acquaintances who have really positive stories, many more positive stories than negative and a lot of them against the odds.

Take it one day at a time. Be kind to yourself too (that's so overlooked).

Wishing you all the luck in the world. I truely hope it works out well for you.

I completely understand, but this would be his baby too, and he would surely want to support you. You can get referrals for more investigations and support-if your GP isn't helpful, see about another one.
There are counselling services which can help both of you. I wish we'd used them. I think my husband has been long-term affected, mainly because the (very limited) support there is tends to be towards women, and both deserve it.

Sending you much love and strength.

I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. I had a miscarriage before having my first. I found having early scans very helpful. To know there was a little heart beating inside me was a real comfort. It may give you a little peace to see that for yourself. I wish you a healthy pregnancy.

Sorry about your losses, I don't think anyone can comprehend how scary pregnancy after loss is unless they go through it.

I miscarried last year and had similar feelings to you when I found out I was pregnant again. I didn't tell DH either, I then ended up having another miscarriage which I tried to keep to myself but he could tell something was wrong and I ended up telling him. To be honest, he was extremely upset with me for not telling him I was pregnant and not allowing him to support me.

Hoping all goes well for you but I think you need to consider whether you will also be able to keep a miscarriage from your DH shoukd the worse happen. I thought I would be able to as I wanted to spare him the pain if something bad happened but then ended up telling him anyway so the initial secret was pointless and actually ended up causing more issues than it prevented.

Praying that your experience is different and there will only be celebrations relating to this pregnancy x

The first trimester is quite long and the odds of miscarriage at 4 weeks versus 9 is different. Where I live they do a viability scan at 8 weeks so get something like that so you know the situation better

I can sympathise OP. I had 3, all around the 10 week mark.

We went on to adopt.

Whether I would recommend adoption depends on what malarky we are going through at any one time.

I hope that this pregnancy progresses, but PLEASE do not blame yourself if it doesn't. After the third miscarriage we were offered tests to find out if it was my eggs or his sperm causing a problem. We opted not to know, neither of us wanted to know that it was our "fault". So the next time anyone says "What's wrong with her" I would be pointing out it could equally be him!

I had counselling - if you do go down the adoption route they would recommend it anyway.

Take all the time you need, and then decide on your next steps.

There are as as many pros and cons to having children as there is with being child free. Right now, at 63 and 20 years in to adoption with a 23 year old with mental health issues the thought of being child free and not having to deal with this crap on a daily basis is very appealing. Ask me next week and I might say the opposite.

Tell the hospital so they can monitor. I’ve had two friends with recurrent miscarriages, one kept the baby once she was put on high progesterone dose and the other was found to have an infection and after this was treated she’s had two babies

Keeping everything crossed for you and sending you love.

Fingers crossed it works out for you both. Only 3 weeks and it’s scan time so maybe I’d let him know.

If you were to mc (I hope you don’t) and have an op I’d get tests to try to work out whether a chromosome was missing etc. This is one way I found peace within myself as a vital chromosome was missing hence the baby would have only lived to 1 year old max which you can get private op on Bupa etc. my husband was very practical as this also helped him massively to get over the grief too.

Also at 9 weeks (although you need to be quite certain of the dates) there is a chance you can hear the heartbeat on a home Doppler machine (although if you haven’t used one of those before it could increase your nerves more as it can be hard to find)

Good luck I hope it works out for you both

Do self-refer to midwifery even if you dont tell your husband now.

Fingers crossed for you.

This is something I experienced and I found that not telling people backfired a little because when I miscarried, I ended up having to tell them anyway as was so upset and needed time off work to cope with physical symptoms. I would tell him so that you can share whatever is ahead. So hope this one is a healthy strong pregnancy for you both x

It’s really really common to have multiple miscarriages before a successful pregnancy

And it’s why it’s so hard to have early pregnancy tests as it gives us such false hope

At only 35 years old your chance of successfully having children is still very high, try to hold onto that

and try to take care of yourself

As in 4-6 weeks etc or 12 weeks? I had one at 5 weeks and I was sad but a family member had one at 12 weeks and that was devastating. At 9 weeks I think you should tell your DH.

Take a day or two by all means but at nine weeks I really think you should tell your DH. Another vote for a private scan here to help put your mind at rest a little bit, though I know it will never be fully at rest.

Have you only just found out at 9 weeks? You should tell your midwife/EPU system, after my miscarriage the put me straight onto progesterone when I got pregnant again, from 6 weeks.

Agreed, I was going to say that. I think also you need to tell your DH OP. Appreciate why you’re considering not, my ex partner would have been the same as he was so upset when we didn’t get pregnant when TTC at first, and I can only imagine how he’d have taken it had I had a mc. Good luck, really hope everything goes well with this pregnancy.

Can I reiterate a comment someone else said - at 9 weeks you could have an early scan for about 150 pounds and it should gove you much better data on if the pregnancy is viable or not. If there is a heartbeat at 9-10 weeks the likelihood of miscarriage drop considerably (I think chances of miscarriage drop from 25 percent to 10 percent). Conversely - if there is something wrong and you are likely to miscarriage it may be better to know now for your mental health. I would go and get the early scan so you can work out if there is still a substantial risk of miscarriage or not.

I’d have an early scan - sounds like financially that won’t be an issue - if all looks fine then I’d tell your DH. He may be disappointed he didn’t get to experience that with you though? At 9 weeks the chance of miscarriage really does decrease day by day week by week
how early were your previous miscarriages? If they were all in the 4-6 week mark the fact you are at 9 weeks is a good sign x

Wishing you all the best OP, definitely tell your DH though and at nine weeks I’d go for a private scan to see what’s going on.

Today you are pregnant. Take it one day at a time.

I had 4 miscarriages and 1 chemical pregnancy before having a healthy baby. I was also told by my doctor that two concurrent miscarriages are really common and are not a sign something is wrong. I’m only saying this so you don’t give up hope. Please get help- the grief is just awful. And remember that while you want to protect your dh, you need supporting too. As long as you don’t tell him you’ll be going through this incredibly anxious time alone. I really hope all goes well for you x

You sound in need of support, it's an incredibly stressful time for you. I would go against what everyone is saying and tell your DH, but that he needs to be strong and support your anxiety and work with you.

There is nothing you are doing wrong, I really think dealing with this worry alone is very difficult. If you are feeling down and depressed you need to talk to someone, DH would be my first go-to, but see if there is someone else to give you support.

I also agree on a private scan/consultation, that will resolve a lot of your worries for now.

Wishing you and your baby the very best, I hope everything all comes good and you start to feel better soon xx

Oh, OP, im so sorry youve had such a stressful and sad experience so far 💐 It's totally normal to feel apprehensive and so take a few days to process.

At 9 weeks though, have you booked in with a midwife yet? It might feel premature given your experience, but for example, i had my DC at St Georges and there can often be waits for scans, waits to be processed and the booking appointments usually happen around 9weeks already. If you dont get booked in, there can be problems with getting the 12weeks scan at the right time, for example.

if you dont want to see a midwife yet, id try and book an urgent early private scan (there are places in Wimbledon and Mitcham if either of those are close to you) and then decide about a hospital ASAP so you can get on their lists.

Wishing you lots of luck.