AIBU - I do not want to tell DH I’m pregnant it’ll only get his hopes up after previous miscarriages

[DeepShaker]

I’m not really sure what I’m looking for here maybe just somewhere to say this out loud.

I’m 35 and DH 38, we’ve been trying for a baby. It’s been a really difficult journey. I’ve had two miscarriages and they’ve affected me more than I think I realised at the time. Lately I feel like I’m really struggling emotionally possibly depression, though I haven’t spoken to anyone properly about it yet.

I take care of myself I eat well, I exercise, I try to do all the “right” things and yet my body has let me down in a way I can’t seem to make sense of. Some days I can barely look at myself. I keep going over everything, wondering if I’ve done something wrong or if this is somehow my fault. I’ve even found myself trying to link it to things in my past, or karma, which I know probably isn’t rational but that’s where my head has gone.

DH and I had decided to try one last time, and if it didn’t work, take a break and then maybe look at adoption.

Today I found out I’m pregnant again. I haven’t even told DH yet. I feel awful saying that, but I’m scared to let him get excited. He’s so much more hopeful than me, and so much stronger emotionally. I don’t know how to be hopeful anymore I just feel anxious and detached.

My sister recently had a baby and when I went to meet my nephew, I had to leave early because I got so upset. I ended up crying in the car and felt so guilty because I am happy for her but I just couldn’t cope in that moment. I didn’t even want to hold my own nephew I was there for all of maybe 15 mins.

Part of me feels like maybe I should just accept that I might not have a child of my own, and try to make peace with that. I do have good things in my life a supportive husband, we recently got a cocker spaniel and that’s helped me a lot. I have a job I like, DH has a great job, we are privileged enough to never really have to think about money, we have a nice home but even the house feels complicated. We bought a 5 bedroom family house in SW London, and being surrounded by families all the time is a constant reminder of what we don’t have. I’ve even suggested to DH that maybe we should sell and start somewhere new, though I don’t know if that’s running away or not.

I suppose I just needed to get this out. Has anyone else who wanted children felt like this

tell him so he can support you. It’s not fair you have to go through this alone.

I had many miscarriages … 4 of them were missed miscarriages so i understand your anxiety. After the first 3 I was lucky and could afford to have weekly private scans which helped with anxiety.

2 miscarriages is really common OP. I'd hold off telling him until you get to your 12 week scan, after the first trimester odds are overwhelming for a viable pregnancy good luck and look to enjoy it as much as you can.

I think you should tell him, you're a team and you need his support. You also really, really need to let go of any notion that you're at any kind of 'fault' for your previous losses. Don't do that.

Praying so hard for a happy outcome for you.

I've not read the full thread so apologies if I'm repeating others. Please stop blaming yourself OP for your miscarriages, they are not your fault and certainly not in any way punishment for past 'misdemeanors'. In fact, early miscarriages are far more likely caused by a problem with the sperm. Is your husband taking as good care of himself as you are? Not that you should be blaming him either - the blame game will always be a hiding to nothing. Take care and best wishes for a good outcome 🙏

When I was pregnant after infertility and miscarriage I paid for a scan at a private hospital with a consultant. I wanted the reassurance of seeing a senior doctor rather than a sonographer. He did a scan, took measurements and said the embryo had implanted in the right spot. I had been a nervous wreck but I found his matter of fact medical comments enormously reassuring. Something to look into if you have the means.
Unmumsnetty hugs to you.

Hi OP, also wanting to offer hope. I had 3 miscarriages before going on to have 3 healthy children. Go to your GP and demand progesterone.

I think you should tell your DH; you are in this together. Should the worst happen again, you will need him to support you. It’s a shared grief.

I agree with others re scan. You could get one today or in the next few days.

You may just need extra progesterone, don’t give up having children when you’re clearly able to get pregnant successfully. I hope you tell your husband and seek his support. If you start to miscarry it will come as such a shock to him that you hadn’t told him.

^^this. I had three easy and successful pregnancies between 27 and 35 but because unexpectedly pregnant at 45!

Unfortunately that pregnancy and a subsequent pregnancy didn’t work out and we went for third time lucky armed with aspirin throughout, and progesterone in the first trimester, DD was born when I was 47 and is now a very healthy 8 yr old.

My point is that although you are much younger in the grand scheme of things, you may need some simple support.

i wish you so much luck for this pregnancy 🍀 x

I’m sorry for your previous losses, they’re heartbreaking on their own and the impact they have on a subsequent pregnancy can be huge. I completely understand you feeling guarded and anxious but I think you should tell your husband. If this is a continuing pregnancy you need each others support and if it sadly doesn’t progress you still need each others support - I don’t think keeping it from him now would help either of you to cope with another loss. You’d potentially feel more lonely in your grief and he might struggle to process it given that he never knew. I think you need to bite the bullet and tell him.

Practically you should in with a midwife so you can make sure you’re getting the antenatal care (mentally and physically) that you need.

I really hope this is your time 💐

Ah OP that is so tough, you must be so worried. I can totally understand you not wanting to tell your DH yet.

Not sure if anyone has mentioned this but it might be worth talking to your GP about whether taking a low dose of aspirin could be beneficial, see this article: https://www.nih.gov/news-events/news-releases/low-dose-aspirin-may-improve-pregnancy-chances-women-one-or-two-prior-miscarriages

I really hope everything works out for you this time.

Do whatever helps you manage, OP. This is so hard. I understand not wanting to tell your husband but you need someone to talk about it all with. Is there a friend you can tell? And I agree that talking to your GP is a good idea, and/or a miscarriage charity like SANDS?

I'm not sure about talking to a midwife- they are likely to talk in terms of this pregnancy going ahead positively and if you are too nervous to want to consider that yet, you might want to wait for a few weeks to get started with the midwives.

I had 2 miscarriages before I had my daughter. For my pregnancy I was put on aspirin and progesterone. Those are the guidelines in NI. I’m sure they’re the same in the rest of the UK. Get in touch with your GP or early pregnancy unit immediately.

I think it's fine to take some time to tell your husband, especially as you know in the circumstances he will be happy that you're pregnant, so you're not keeping a bombshell from him or anything. It's your body and it's a lot for you to process, so it's more than reasonable to sit with the news until you feel ready to share it. I would just suggest not to wait too long because early pregnancy is very difficult and experiencing another miscarriage will obviously be devastating if that happens, so no matter what, you're going to eventually need his support. Keeping everything crossed that this pregnancy goes well.

I feel for you and totally understand why you are reluctant to say anything. If you need to keep your news to yourself then give yourself a date when you will tell your DH. Maybe another week but remember the sooner you tell him the sooner you can start ante natal care. Good luck, the whole of mumsnet is rooting for you 🍀

You’ve been through such a difficult time OP. I would tell your husband. He can share the burden with you and support you. You don’t need to protect him from getting his hopes up, although that’s very sweet. I really hope this pregnancy is successful.
what your MIL said is despicable.
Take care.

Sending loads of good wishes to you!

yep - I needed extra progesterone. Frustratingly it took years to get to that knowledge. (We needed IVF regardless for additional issues)

It’s horribly common to experience a miscarriage. Once I told a couple of people there seemed like a flood of women with similar experiences. I know it doesn’t make your losses easier but know that there lots of people that will understand how you are feeling.

I think you need to share what’s happening with your DH - he’d want to support you I’m sure.

I feel for you. I was miserable beyond belief after my second miscarriage and fearful too. When I was pregnant for the third time I did tell my husband when I tested positive. He could then support me and understand my caution and fear. We didn't talk as though it was really going to be a baby until about 20 weeks! Not buying things or discussing names but supporting our health etc. I did talk to my GP and because of my previous miscarriages and my anxiety I did have an NHS scan at 7 weeks which was moderately reassuring and a phone number for the EPAC (Early Pregnancy something Centre?) My son was born healthy and full term and I chose to be a "one and done" . I wish you all the best OP

I do also agree that you sound a bit depressed OP, while any miscarriage is devastating, you haven’t even had any investigations as to why so I think to jump from that to accepting you’ll never have biological children is a big, unnecessary at the moment, leap! There are all sorts of reasons for miscarriages that have solutions so I wouldn’t give up hope right now at all. A friend of mine had 6 miscarriages before her first, it was to do with her thyroid and once that was managed she went on to have a successful pregnancy.

In saying that, I totally understand you wanting to keep this one quiet at the moment as it feels like you’re more in control and you’re not giving in to the “roller coaster” as much by not saying it out loud.

I honestly think it’s up to you, there is no rush, maybe you could do a private scan to see how things are progressing and then see how you feel after that?

Wishing you all the luck in the world for this pregnancy OP. You will know when the time is right to tell him but in the meantime you might find it useful to talk to someone and the miscarriage association has a support helpline if you need it

www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/how-we-help/

I feel I really benefited from my DH support after my miscarriage. When I found out I was pregnant again I came out of the bathroom sobbing with fear and he helped me through it. It also helped that he knew when I had spotting and panicked I was losing it again. He made sure I got a scan and was with me every step of the way. Obviously it’s up to you but I don’t think I could have coped without him knowing.
I ended up having a baby boy! So it ended well in the end. Also don’t give up after 3 miscarriages, they only start investigating then and it may be an easy fix, my friend had 3 and it turned out all she needed was baby aspirin. I think it is horrific that you have to wait for 3 for them to investigate, especially when it ends up being something so simple like it was for my friend

It wasn’t the scan she was objecting to. It was saying “At 9 weeks you’ll see a heartbeat” and “At 9 weeks you’re likely to have a successful pregnancy”. The fact is you can be “9 weeks” but the baby actually stopped growing a while before. I’ve had 3 missed miscarriages now. The first one was discovered at a 10 week scan - baby stopped growing at 5 weeks. Second one was discovered at 8 weeks - was a blighted ovum - no embryo seen - just a sac. Third was discovered at 7 week scan - baby stopped growing at 6 weeks.

If the OP has a scan now and it’s on track and sees a heartbeat then yes the chances of success are much higher.

It does happen that many people attend their 12 week scan thinking it’s all fine but find out the baby stopped growing weeks before. Or sometimes people have a normal miscarriage at say 10 weeks but if they never had a scan they actually wouldn’t know at what point the baby stopped growing. It can take weeks for the body to realise sometimes. And you often continue having symptoms as usual the entire time as your body thinks it’s pregnant.

That’s quite an extreme leap here. Sometimes easy and simple fixes (progesterone or aspirin) can help you carry the baby. You clearly can fall pregnant on your own without help. i had lots of miscarriages and now have two healthy children.

Wishing you all the best for your pregnancy and please tell your DH and you can have an early scan for some reassurance. All the best for you.

Fully agree with this. Progesterone was my saver!