AIBU - I do not want to tell DH I’m pregnant it’ll only get his hopes up after previous miscarriages

[DeepShaker]

I’m not really sure what I’m looking for here maybe just somewhere to say this out loud.

I’m 35 and DH 38, we’ve been trying for a baby. It’s been a really difficult journey. I’ve had two miscarriages and they’ve affected me more than I think I realised at the time. Lately I feel like I’m really struggling emotionally possibly depression, though I haven’t spoken to anyone properly about it yet.

I take care of myself I eat well, I exercise, I try to do all the “right” things and yet my body has let me down in a way I can’t seem to make sense of. Some days I can barely look at myself. I keep going over everything, wondering if I’ve done something wrong or if this is somehow my fault. I’ve even found myself trying to link it to things in my past, or karma, which I know probably isn’t rational but that’s where my head has gone.

DH and I had decided to try one last time, and if it didn’t work, take a break and then maybe look at adoption.

Today I found out I’m pregnant again. I haven’t even told DH yet. I feel awful saying that, but I’m scared to let him get excited. He’s so much more hopeful than me, and so much stronger emotionally. I don’t know how to be hopeful anymore I just feel anxious and detached.

My sister recently had a baby and when I went to meet my nephew, I had to leave early because I got so upset. I ended up crying in the car and felt so guilty because I am happy for her but I just couldn’t cope in that moment. I didn’t even want to hold my own nephew I was there for all of maybe 15 mins.

Part of me feels like maybe I should just accept that I might not have a child of my own, and try to make peace with that. I do have good things in my life a supportive husband, we recently got a cocker spaniel and that’s helped me a lot. I have a job I like, DH has a great job, we are privileged enough to never really have to think about money, we have a nice home but even the house feels complicated. We bought a 5 bedroom family house in SW London, and being surrounded by families all the time is a constant reminder of what we don’t have. I’ve even suggested to DH that maybe we should sell and start somewhere new, though I don’t know if that’s running away or not.

I suppose I just needed to get this out. Has anyone else who wanted children felt like this

It's totally up to you OP, but as soon as you feel ready I would tell DH as it sounds like you would benefit from his support. Good luck.

Op be very much where you are. Dd (our only) happened when we weren't trying and tbh given up. I'd advise an early scan. Good luck and holding your hand tight x

love, you should see a specialist - it’s not about what’s ‘wrong’ with you. It could be something easily solved. My sister had a thryoid problem which only was a problem during pregnancy and just being on thryoid meds helped. I know women with low progesterone (second half of period cycle is shorter) and injections helped.

Sometimes when women miscarry more than once it’s because after the first miscarry their body develops antibodies to the man’s dna and going forward their body thinks future pregnancies are illnesses - but this can potentially be resolved by calming the women’s immune system.

The fact you are getting pregnant is wonderful as that can be the hardest bit for many. It must have been devastating for you miscarrying. But please don’t give up hope - I urge you to read some of the fertility boards on Mumsnet to find a specialist to help you.

acupuncture is great too and there are studies proving it helps during ivf.

You have so many people hoping and praying for you I hope that gives you and this baby some strength.

I am so sorry for your losses

This whole process of struggling through infertility is awful.and I don't blame you forfeeling as you do but I really thing that keeping it a secret from DH is a bad idea.

Of course maybe this pregnancy will be the one that sticks and eventually you feel confident enough to tell him, but if that happens the fact that you went through the months of uncertainty alone will always be a barrier between you.

And much worse is the effect of not telling him if this one also ends with grief - I am not sure your marriage would survive all the knock-on effects of carrying that grief alone, mentally correcting him when he mentions the number or recency of your losses, and him just not knowing the magnitude of what you went through.

He is a grownup and what's more he's supposed to be your equal partner in life, not a little child to be shielded from reality. Tell him that you had this impulse, tell him.you don't want to get excited or make plans or conversations that assume this pregnancy is going to result in a real live actual baby . Tell him your fears and tell him that you wanted to protect him from the next sledgehammer of grief that may be in store for you both if this time isn't the one that works - but tell him.

Also tell your doctor about what you are going through both to see whether you qualify for extra support to help you in your journey towards parenthood and also to establish whether your mental state can be supported better - this may not be depression in the medical sense of chemical imbalances in the brain - sometimes it's just that life is terribly sad - but yoir GP can still refer you for counselling support that may help.

I had three recorded mcs in my mid to late 30s before having DS2. I know that is different because I did have DS1 but it isn’t rare, sadly, to have three or more early mcs and go on to have a DC. If you have another loss you must push for investigations in case there is something that can be done rather than it being a case of defective eggs, which it was in my case.

Your DH needs to have a very strong word with his DM as my DH did with his DF, although my FIL just asked why we hadn’t had DC rather than anything worse.

OP, I have no direct experience of miscarriage however a friend of mine had eight and went on to have a healthy little girl.

Don’t give up hope - wishing you all the best for this pregnancy.

OP congratulations I really hope this pregnancy goes well for you. I had 2 miscarriages before giving birth to 3 healthy DC. I still have no idea why I miscarried. You should tell your DC so you can share the excitement together.... and if you were to miscarry again you'll need his support. Don't carry anything heavy. On my first successful pregnancy I rested a lot and had a few earlier nights. 🤞

Lots of us have had 2 miscarriages and gone on to have healthy babies - I did, so did friends at work. Don’t despair lovey there’s always hope

i would really suggest you see a counsellor who specialises in fertility. It helped me a lot after a miscarriage. Hopefully this one sticks but if not please do consider having tests as there are many options for things that can help. Even non invasive things like aspirin.

Sending you sticky baby dust I hope everything goes well, but I would still suggest getting a GP appointment booked as I think some therapy will help you process all of the trauma. Miscarriages are trauma and even being successfully pregnant doesn’t always mitigate the trauma and anxiety so getting therapy to help you process and hopefully get to enjoy your pregnancy would be good. I personally would tell DH for the support but that is up to you.

Just to add a friend had multiple miscarriages after a successful first pregnancy and she required progesterone injections I believe to maintain her pregnancy and managed to successfully have two more children. So don’t give up and good luck!

You don't have to tell DH until you feel ready, OP. Sending hugs and crossing fingers for you. Xx

That's a tough one. I think I would tell him but my reasoning is that if you don't, then if you were to have a miscarriage (I'm not suggesting you are all that likely to), it might be harder to tell him about that, just when you most need support.

Keeping everything crossed for you. Such support for you on this thread. I had a friend who had 8 miscarriages back in nineties before having her two (now grown up) sons.

I hope some of these comments resonate with you and you can find further strength from them and ideas on how to look after yourself xx

My dd had 2 misses before going on to have her first - followed within 2 years by her second. She was 38 and 39.

Hang on in there, OP - AFAIK it’s pretty common. All best wishes for now! 🤞

Tell him. You will need him to know either way.
see your doctor immediately about a referral so you have consultant led care. There may be a common reason behind your miscarriages or there may not. For a friend it was a blood thing and she was given a very mild blood thinner for a short time. But don’t mess about - get proper clinical support.

you should tell him. This is something you are both going through together

It’s so tough. I lost two and third one made it but I found the first 12 weeks unbearable but then it did got better. I told my partner and my manager only and then followed up with we won’t speak about it until I get much further on.

I found extra scans in the early part helped me although very emotional. The person doing the scans - for a healthy pregnancy even early at 9 weeks can find a heart beat quickly.

take it all day by day and good luck

You can get a private scan from 7 weeks to look for a heartbeat. Once there’s a heartbeat you can see, it drastically decreases chance of miscarriage so that could be reassuring for you if you booked one.

The other medical thing you can do to help is to speak to your GP about taking progesterone. Many women who have had multiple previous miscarriages are put on it for their first trimester.

A viability scan at this point will give you some useful information as to miscarriage risk

I had a miscarriage and then a still birth. I was 36.
i knew i was pregnant for three weeks before i told my husband.
I -like you- didn’t want to get his , or my, hopes up.
It was like a big secret I hugged to myself -me and my baby. As long as I didn’t burst the bubble it might, just might be ok.
And it was -she’s 18 now & drives me bonkers but I adore her with every fibre of my being.
Hang on in there @DeepShaker every day is a day closer.
Sending you love and my very very best wishes .

I have 3 kids, but also had 4 miscarriages, it's awful.
One of the times I was pregnant I decided not to tell my husband, so that it didn't hurt him. But then I thought if i miscarried again (which I did) I would not have any support, also that he would be wondering what was wrong with me and I'd be distant, upset etc. I also promised to never, ever lie to him. I would have to be a secret forever.
I'm glad I did tell him, even though it didn't work out.
Also, have you been to the hospital about your miscarriages?

I’d say try to see your GP or early pregnancy unit (where I am, because of previous miscarriages I could self refer to mine).
We had an early scan to confirm viable pregnancy at 7 weeks, then I was put onto a dose of aspirin daily and given progesterone pessaries to use until 12 weeks pregnant. It worked and our daughter is now 7 months old.
I totally get the fear and anxiety though, every single time I got a twinge or went to the toilet I was so anxious checking for bleeds and it did overshadow the joy a bit. However, I would suggest still telling your husband, you’re going to want his support either way whether it’s a successful pregnancy or whether it’s not. It’s easier to be able to talk about your fears as a team xx wishing you all the sticky glue ❤️ nine weeks so you’re nearly there x

Lots of my friends have had multiple miscarriages and gone on to have healthy babies. Don’t worry about telling your DH yet if you don’t want to. As PP have said you can get yourself in for a private scan first if you feel the need to double check. Sending love xx

Hand hold op and everything crossed.

I’m sorry for your losses OP and I’m really rooting for you this time. If I remember rightly the booking appointment with a midwife (if in UK) is around 8/9 weeks so it might be worth booking that if you feel you can. They might be able to offer some additional monitoring based on the history and they’ll be able to book your 12 week scan which is only a few weeks away.
I personally had an early scan as soon as I found out, they were readily available even on weekends for about £100 and gave me great peace of mind. I didn’t want to get my hopes up until I’d seen a heartbeat for myself.

Telling your DH is entirely when you feel ready. I completely understand not wanting to get his hopes up, but also you need support and it might be great to support eachother through this scary but also exciting time

Good luck and I’m really hoping for the outcome you deserve 🤞