AIBU - I do not want to tell DH I’m pregnant it’ll only get his hopes up after previous miscarriages

[DeepShaker]

I’m not really sure what I’m looking for here maybe just somewhere to say this out loud.

I’m 35 and DH 38, we’ve been trying for a baby. It’s been a really difficult journey. I’ve had two miscarriages and they’ve affected me more than I think I realised at the time. Lately I feel like I’m really struggling emotionally possibly depression, though I haven’t spoken to anyone properly about it yet.

I take care of myself I eat well, I exercise, I try to do all the “right” things and yet my body has let me down in a way I can’t seem to make sense of. Some days I can barely look at myself. I keep going over everything, wondering if I’ve done something wrong or if this is somehow my fault. I’ve even found myself trying to link it to things in my past, or karma, which I know probably isn’t rational but that’s where my head has gone.

DH and I had decided to try one last time, and if it didn’t work, take a break and then maybe look at adoption.

Today I found out I’m pregnant again. I haven’t even told DH yet. I feel awful saying that, but I’m scared to let him get excited. He’s so much more hopeful than me, and so much stronger emotionally. I don’t know how to be hopeful anymore I just feel anxious and detached.

My sister recently had a baby and when I went to meet my nephew, I had to leave early because I got so upset. I ended up crying in the car and felt so guilty because I am happy for her but I just couldn’t cope in that moment. I didn’t even want to hold my own nephew I was there for all of maybe 15 mins.

Part of me feels like maybe I should just accept that I might not have a child of my own, and try to make peace with that. I do have good things in my life a supportive husband, we recently got a cocker spaniel and that’s helped me a lot. I have a job I like, DH has a great job, we are privileged enough to never really have to think about money, we have a nice home but even the house feels complicated. We bought a 5 bedroom family house in SW London, and being surrounded by families all the time is a constant reminder of what we don’t have. I’ve even suggested to DH that maybe we should sell and start somewhere new, though I don’t know if that’s running away or not.

I suppose I just needed to get this out. Has anyone else who wanted children felt like this

First of all, I really hope this one stays. Definitely speak to your partner about it - he will want to support you. Second - Miscarriages are really devastating and I’m not surprised you’re feeling like this. I have a similar experience of struggling after having multiple miscarraiges. I genuinely didn’t understand that I was depressed (and was diagnosed with PTSD, very very common after miscarriages - I had no idea!) but therapy helped a lot. It’s very hard to extricate yourself from that mental state without specialist help. And finally, I would really strongly urge you to see a fertility specialist if things don’t go your way this time. It could be your partner’s sperm, it could be a thyroid issue as someone else said. Definitely don’t write yourself off yet, maybe IVF would be right for you, maybe it’s not necessary and everything is fine. My one big regret is listening to people saying it’s normal to have miscarriages, being afraid of being told something was wrong, and not getting tested sooner. Would have saved years of heartbreak. Best of luck with everything.

I think you’re right to wait. But I also think you’re so harsh on yourself as if it’s something you’ve done wrong. It could be just really bad luck. It could be down to issues with your husband’s sperm. It could be that you could do things that wouldn’t be overly invasive but might help sustain the pregnancy. Even if that were the case it doesn’t mean you’ve failed in some way. Therapy with someone who specialises in this area could really support you.

It’s awful that family members are talking in that way. If your MIL is saying things like that to your husband I’d asked him not to pass it on. If she’s saying it to you then give her both barrels. I agree that it’s hard to be investigated just after a miscarriage but if this one doesn’t work out for any reason it might reassure you to have some expert advice. You may also want to pay for an early private scan.

Really good luck OP.

OP I just wanted to tell you how you are feeling is completely normal and share my experience.

I had my first miscarriage at the end of February - the timing couldn’t have been worse tbh. I had endometriosis excision surgery last year (couldn’t conceive and had a lot of symptoms), followed by en egg collection, and was ready to start my embryo transfer protocol only to discover I had actually fallen pregnant naturally at the baseline scan. But I was only pregnant for long enough to just delay my embryo transfer for a few months. It felt like a bit of a sick joke.

I was in a deep depression afterwards - it peaked about 3 weeks after the bleeding stopped. I had non stop crying on the train, and I couldn’t muster a shred of positivity about being able to have a baby and my mind could only think of the worst case scenario. At the same time I had never wanted a baby more strongly. I felt so sad that my skin literally hurt, I’ve never had this before. My brother in law’s girlfriend - who is 42 and fell pregnant 3 months into them dating (found out that news just as I had found out I had ovarian endometriosis) - gave birth during that time and I felt like the sky had fallen in.

Then one morning I woke up and I felt like this rock had been lifted off me and the crying just completely stopped. Literally overnight. I now have a lot of hormonal joint pain as I’m waiting for my period to come back, but that horror show emotional phase of the miscarriage seems to be over. I’m meeting the new baby this weekend and I’m actually looking forward to it, this time last week it made me feel nauseated and devastated and I had told my DH I couldn’t go to meet the baby.

I don’t think women are told enough about what to expect with a miscarriage. The hormonal crash is no joke. And why the guidance is that it is “like a heavy period” I will never understand!

I can understand why you don’t want to tell your DH. Even after just my one miscarriage I think - if this transfer does work later this year - my brain will link pregnancy with loss and it will be hard to get excited or trust I won’t miscarry again. I understand the shame - I told my DH I felt I had let him down - but know that it is very very common for women to experience this and he is your support and loves you.

I personally found it even harder to experience infertility and loss without feeling I could talk to people about it. I’m sorry about the horrible comments from your in-laws. I feel a lot pressure from my in-laws to get pregnant and I made the decision to tell them about the miscarriage, to get them to back off in a way - I couldn’t handle an insensitive comment when I was feeling so fragile, so in effect I put them on notice. Ask your DH to be your bouncer! Get him to tell his parents certain topics are off limits. It’s one way he can help and men can feel helpless in these situations.

Don’t force yourself to “push through” with the new baby - you will just make it worse and it will get easier with time. I understand how the “ugly feelings” make you feel like a bad person, but it is a physiological response you are having and that you are not in control of. It is NOT a case of mind over matter, that if you were a better or stronger person you would be able to handle it and only have joy about the new baby. You are raw now, but you won’t always be, and it doesn’t mean you will always feel like this about the baby.

I would recommend the podcast The Worst Girl Gang ever. It really helped me listening to women talk about their experiences and stories of hope. But honestly I would say for me it was ultimately time and my hormones shifting back to baseline that allowed me to even imagine a future with a baby again.

Sending so much love and strength, and really hoping this pregnancy works out xxxx

I really love this site sometimes.

Can't type anymore as I'm in public and in danger of crying!

I just wanted to suggest using your private insurance or own money to go and see a specialist in recurrent miscarriage right now whilst you're pregnant.

There are treatments for some issues and it could be something as simple as taking aspirin or additional progesterone that could potentially help maintain this pregnancy.

Obviously this is not the case for everyone but why not find out if there's a treatable cause.

Not telling him is adding to your stress and you should be taking things easy, if he knew he would be looking after you.

Honestly, it sounds like you’re in a worse place than him following your miscarriages. You should tell him, because if you miscarry again you are going to need his support.

I know it’s early days, and you are right to not get your hopes up, but congratulations! You are pregnant. 🩵🩵🩵

Everything crossed for you.
However you need investigation irrespective of this pgcy. It’s entirely possible there are some things going on that they could fix or help with. Please please see a private MC consultant asap.

Can you consider IVF if god forbid something happens?

I do think you should tell him. If you do t and do go on to miscarry surely he’d realise something is wrong and you’d want his support, rather that him thinking you’re being upset over nothing. And if it is successful (which I really hope it is) would he be upset that he didn’t know sooner? Either way, do what feels right for you.

But if you are 9 weeks I would definitely suggest a private scan to see if there’s a heartbeat. It’s still obviously not a guarantee, but at 9 weeks with a heartbeat, the chance of it continuing greatly increases. I had a miscarriage first pregnancy and definitely needed that early scan with my following two to see that heartbeat and give me hope that it would be okay.

You should see a midwife though. They may be able to prescribe progesterone or something to help. And also to get on the list for the 12 week scan. If you wait much longer it could be delayed. Or if you do miscarry, see someone to see what it could be. It’s not “something wrong with you”, it could be a really easy fix. A friend has just found out she had a thyroid issue after 10 years of TTC and a few miscarriages. That was resolved and she got pregnant almost immediately - she’s just had a successful 12 week scan.

keeping everything crossed for you.

Couldn't read and run. I'm so so sorry about your previous pregnancies. I've had one miscarriage myself and it sent me up the wall. I'll never forget it as long as I live. I had a healthy pregnancy and DC1 very soon after.

There is no advice I can give other than please have hope and tell DH whenever you feel ready but you will need him for support for the first scan either way. 9 weeks though! That's positive! In your position I needed to get the early private scan to see the heartbeat or not. I just couldn't wait 12 weeks. But equally it's not too long to go until the 12 week scan.

I really hope it works out for you and you get your baby x

@HappyBert said it much better than I managed to last night.

OP, I don't know if you find this sort of thing comforting, but I do - ignore it if it doesn't help:

Early miscarriages are incredibly common. Usually, they happen because the embryo doesn't have the right number of chromosomes and just can't develop. Even for a woman under 30, a third to a quarter of the time she ovulates, the egg just can't develop into a foetus, even if nothing else is wrong. It's completely natural. Very early on, you sometimes won't even know you miscarried. But sometimes, your body holds on to the embryo and the egg sac around it keeps growing, so your body thinks you are still pregnant and sends you all the symptoms. It's actually hard to know how many pregnancies are lost in the first half of the first trimester (up to six weeks), but it's a huge number. Some estimates reckon that 70% of all fertilised eggs don't make it to six weeks, and this includes quite a lot that would show up on a pregnancy test but won't make it further.

It's really, really normal.

Sometimes, your body carries on holding on to a pregnancy for longer. Usually, an early miscarriage doesn't happen right away - it happens slowly, so, very sadly, an embryo that stops developing at six weeks or seven weeks will likely show up on a pregnancy test at 9 weeks. The scan will tell you whether there is a heartbeat, or whether there isn't. As @HappyBert says, if there is a heartbeat at 9 weeks, your chances are quite good.

Having two early miscarriages doesn't say anything about how likely you are to have a successful pregnancy now. It's horrible and scary waiting. I know what it feels like. But please don't feel as if there's something 'wrong' with you that this has happened, and please don't blame yourself.

Just wanted to give a handhold. I have PCOS and was given a leaflet and told I probably wouldn’t have children naturally. Nice.

We tried for 7 years, and had 3 miscarriages. Gave up, sold up and moved abroad. A year in and I was quite poorly and didn’t fancy the local rum anymore. I was pregnant! Returned to the UK to continue my pregnancy. Was very anxious throughout. Healthy boy delivered! I was 31. Went on to have three children in total, but sadly with a miscarriage between each healthy pregnancy. I was 31, 35 and 39 with each healthy baby, and 7 miscarriages in total (one was an accident at 43).

There is hope. Everything crossed for you. I was so anxious I bought a fetal doppler so I could check the heartbeat anytime I felt panicked, but I understand it makes some women more anxious if they can’t find it, but it helped me. Best wishes.

Can I recommend Tommy's charity to you? They are excellent and provide advice regarding miscarriage and early pregnancy after losses.

I received counselling via my GP after my second miscarriage, up to the birth of my dd. Please ask your GP for support, it could help you manage your feelings during this pregnancy and afterwards too.

Sending you strength and hope x

I have told DH this morning he’s very happy, im happy too but I don’t want to share with too many people. I don’t even really want to share with friends they’ve been amazing support but I don’t want people feeling sorry for me.

I have a scan booked for next week he wants to come with me. I don’t want us to get too excited over a scan but it would be nice to know that baby is okay.

Have you spoken to your GP and asked for a referral to the recurrent miscarriage clinic? I’ve had four miscarriages and two successful pregnancies whilst using progesterone.

I’m currently 8 weeks pregnant and as soon as I found out my GP put lots of referrals in, they got me onto progesterone, booked me in for early scans. In my region at least, this is offered to anybody that has had two miscarriages in a row. You can also self refer for early reassurance scans with your EPU following miscarriages.

I think you should tell him. Firstly as you say, it’s a journey. It’s a journey you are both on together, and I think being together through it is important. I don’t think it’s fair to not tell him really, and you have to at some point. My X used to not tell me big news in case it got my hopes up and I hated it, it felt so infantilising.
and secondly, what happens if (I am so hope this won’t happen) you miscarry?! You’d need to tell him, you would need love and support. And then he’s got to deal with not only losing it but the fact he didn’t know. That would make it so much worse for you.

I hope everything goes well for you OP, I really do. Good luck.

@DeepShaker

Yes, keep it to yourself for as long as you can. I am so sorry for your previous losses, and am wishing you all the best luck in the world with this one!

Oh bloody cross post 😂 😂

Oh I cross posted too! Forget what I said! Apart from the bit where I said I hope it all goes well this time! 😘

Will keep everything crossed for you both.

This is all true op.

I think at 9 weeks a viability scan would be very informative.

If you think about this, the pregnancy is either going to progress or you will have a need for support, and I think either way your DH needs to know - for both of your sakes. I do understand the temptation to try to navigate this by yourself, but I do think you both need him to know either of those outcomes. The MIL comments were cruel but they are what they are: ignorant and thoughtless puffs of hot air.

I'd be inclined to have the scan first then tell him the result either way. That way he knows if he is breath-holding at the moment you tell him, or supporting and working through disappointment together, and sometimes the not knowing is the hardest bit in terms of rollercoaster emotions.

You are not to blame in any of this and do not need to protect your DH or hide the reality.

Sending you good wishes and positive thoughts op.

Oh sorry just found your update! I'm glad you told him. Fingers crossed!!!!

I think it's good that you now have each other.

No need to tell anyone else at all if you feel that's best.

We ended up not telling anyone until I was 16wks.

Best of luck for the scan Op.

Sending love OP, if you haven’t already pls contact your GP about being given progesterone, there is NICE guidance around it being prescribed to women that have experienced similar, I was prescribed it after two losses. Although not usual by a GP mine was able to. Praying all goes well for you xx