AIBU - I do not want to tell DH I’m pregnant it’ll only get his hopes up after previous miscarriages

[DeepShaker]

I’m not really sure what I’m looking for here maybe just somewhere to say this out loud.

I’m 35 and DH 38, we’ve been trying for a baby. It’s been a really difficult journey. I’ve had two miscarriages and they’ve affected me more than I think I realised at the time. Lately I feel like I’m really struggling emotionally possibly depression, though I haven’t spoken to anyone properly about it yet.

I take care of myself I eat well, I exercise, I try to do all the “right” things and yet my body has let me down in a way I can’t seem to make sense of. Some days I can barely look at myself. I keep going over everything, wondering if I’ve done something wrong or if this is somehow my fault. I’ve even found myself trying to link it to things in my past, or karma, which I know probably isn’t rational but that’s where my head has gone.

DH and I had decided to try one last time, and if it didn’t work, take a break and then maybe look at adoption.

Today I found out I’m pregnant again. I haven’t even told DH yet. I feel awful saying that, but I’m scared to let him get excited. He’s so much more hopeful than me, and so much stronger emotionally. I don’t know how to be hopeful anymore I just feel anxious and detached.

My sister recently had a baby and when I went to meet my nephew, I had to leave early because I got so upset. I ended up crying in the car and felt so guilty because I am happy for her but I just couldn’t cope in that moment. I didn’t even want to hold my own nephew I was there for all of maybe 15 mins.

Part of me feels like maybe I should just accept that I might not have a child of my own, and try to make peace with that. I do have good things in my life a supportive husband, we recently got a cocker spaniel and that’s helped me a lot. I have a job I like, DH has a great job, we are privileged enough to never really have to think about money, we have a nice home but even the house feels complicated. We bought a 5 bedroom family house in SW London, and being surrounded by families all the time is a constant reminder of what we don’t have. I’ve even suggested to DH that maybe we should sell and start somewhere new, though I don’t know if that’s running away or not.

I suppose I just needed to get this out. Has anyone else who wanted children felt like this

How many weeks? Hand hold op.

I'd perhaps take a few days to process it before I told my DH. At what point in the previous 2 pregnancies did you miscarry? Have you had any investigations, or does that not happen after 'only' 2 miscarriages?

I can imagine how difficult it is to see your newborn nephew. Do your family know about your miscarriages?

9 weeks so I don’t want to get my hopes up.

Aw I relate so much to this.
I also lost my first two babies.

I was very anxious when I got pregnant the third time, but it was fine and I had my daughter.

I'm wishing you well @DeepShaker
I remember pretty much all the emotions you've described.

Handhold OP. All your feelings are really natural. Fingers crossed for you. Don’t worry about telling your DH yet, take it day by day and see how you feel.

At nine weeks you're likely to have a successful pregnancy.
I'm surprised it's taken this long before you realised.
A scan would show a heartbeat at this point.

How many weeks were you when you lost the first two babies?

There’s no rush, you’ve been through such a lot. Have you seen a midwife yet? It might help to talk your feelings through with a professional.

Miscarriage robs the joy from any subsequent pregnancies, but try and remember that this is a new pregnancy, the odds are still in your favour, and right now you are pregnant and everything is fine. One day at a time. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and hoping all goes well 🙏 x

Please don't say things like that. It's not uncommon at all for scans to show a pregnancy hasn't progressed.

OP, I think it's totally fine to tell him or not tell him, just as feels right. It's a very long time ago, but I had repeated miscarriages and I didn't want to talk about them either.

If you did feel up to it, private scans at this stage are fairly affordable and would show whether or not there's a heartbeat. If there is a heartbeat your chances are pretty good.

Eh? You've also just suggested a scan.

I wasn't objecting to you suggesting a scan.

I was saying, please don't say things like 'a scan would show a heartbeat'.

It's horrible when it doesn't and it's not uncommon.

Thank you for your kind reply, I really appreciate it.

I think you’re right about taking a few days to process it before telling DH I’m just trying to get my own head around it first.

My previous miscarriages were both quite early on, around the first trimester. I haven’t had any ‘investigations’ yet I was told it’s not something they usually look into after two, which has been quite frustrating, but I understand that’s the guidance.
DH wanted us use his private health insurance from work to go private but I didn’t really want to hear ‘what’s wrong with me’ right after having a miscarriage.

Some of my family do know about the miscarriages but not everyone. It’s been quite hard to talk about, if I’m honest. Seeing my nephew was more overwhelming than I expected I am genuinely happy for my sister, it just brought up a lot of feelings I think I’ve been trying to push down.

DH and I have had a lot of judgement from various family members asking why we haven’t had any children. DHs mum has outright asked him if I’m infertile or ‘what’s wrong her’.

We’ve been married 7 yrs, we’ve always wanted to start a family but it just hasn’t worked out that way and maybe we should have tried sooner but there’s family members that make comments but they do not know that we’ve been struggling.

First trimester

I think you should tell your DH, I also think you should speak to your doctor, it really sounds like you’re suffering from some depression, and it’s quite likely situational and temporary but there are a couple of possibilities, one is that you will have a healthy pregnancy which would be wonderful and I really hope it’s the case for your OP. Even if you do pregnancy comes with epic hormonal shifts, anxiety and significant changes so if you are depressed it can accentuate that. The other possibility as you know is that the pregnancy will not be successful in which case if you are depressed it could worsen.

speak to your GP, they may be able to offer some help or signposting.

Good luck OP. I had 3 miscarriages before DS was born. 18 months later I had DD.

I was so anxious when I was pregnant with DS. I paid for extra scans.

Keeping everything crossed for you xx

Thank you I’m in the process of sorting out counselling and I want to speak to my gp not sure what they can but it would be helpful if they had any advice.

I have been struggling a lot, not too long ago I wasn’t even leaving the house, mainly just to go to work and back then we got our puppy which had helped my mood dramatically and I’m always out on walks.

I would like to tell him but I’m also very anxious I think he’s reached the acceptance stage of us maybe not being able to have biological children. We are both open to adoption, DH doesn’t dwell on the negative stuff as much as me. I’d feel bad if I did have another miscarriage.

Of course you'd feel bad, it's totally human.

When you say you're anxious - do you mean, anxious you'd get his hopes up and it'd disrupt the acceptance he's reached? Or do you mean anxious that it'd show how he and you are at slightly different stages?

Both would be perfectly natural responses, but maybe it's useful to talk about it?

You know: you are allowed to feel rotten and you don't have to protect your DH's feelings at the expense of your own, right? I get why you would want to, but you are a person too and you deserve to feel what you feel.

It isn't a guarantee though, and those that have experienced MCs know the feeling all too well. I never advocate for early scans for this reason, too. The emotional toll and anxiety is unbelievable.

OP, I held off telling my DH for over a week after I first found out about my pregnancy after multiple losses. I just couldn't bring myself to get both our hopes up, just in case.

Good luck OP.

I had 2 MC before DC1, secondary infertility, 3 MCs and finally DC2 (which was a threatened MC and progesterone to sustain).

In my area you can self-refer for talking therapy, is something like that an option? I'm sorry you're going through this.

So sorry your going through this op, I had 4 miscarriages, my 5th pregnancy resulted in my LG, I never told dp until I was around 11 weeks, you do what your comfortable with, wishing your all the luck in the world with the pregnancy xx

Thank you I’ll take it day by day before sharing the news it’s DH xxx

Hi op, I had a history of miscarriage (x4 ) and went on to have a child. Just wanted to say there is hope.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to keep it to yourself for a bit. Would you consider having a viability private scan before telling him? Wishing you the best of luck and courage. Are you having any symptoms like morning sickness which might become hard to hide?

Can you tell a close friend rather than your DH? Someone who can support you whatever happens but who isn’t as emotionally invested in the outcome?

Perhaps try to see your GP as they may suggest low dose aspirin and/or progesterone. I had four miscarriages and went private to a recurrent miscarriage clinic for tests and treatment - was also linked to fertility treatment for me. I think the nhs does kick in better after 3 losses (meant to be 2 now I belive) but if you have the money I’d just pay as there’s much less waiting between tests, appointments etc. I went to CRP clinic in Surrey, but there’ll be plenty in London.

if you’re not ready to tell DH that’s fine. Give yourself a little time. Good luck with everything.