AIBU - I do not want to tell DH I’m pregnant it’ll only get his hopes up after previous miscarriages

[DeepShaker]

I’m not really sure what I’m looking for here maybe just somewhere to say this out loud.

I’m 35 and DH 38, we’ve been trying for a baby. It’s been a really difficult journey. I’ve had two miscarriages and they’ve affected me more than I think I realised at the time. Lately I feel like I’m really struggling emotionally possibly depression, though I haven’t spoken to anyone properly about it yet.

I take care of myself I eat well, I exercise, I try to do all the “right” things and yet my body has let me down in a way I can’t seem to make sense of. Some days I can barely look at myself. I keep going over everything, wondering if I’ve done something wrong or if this is somehow my fault. I’ve even found myself trying to link it to things in my past, or karma, which I know probably isn’t rational but that’s where my head has gone.

DH and I had decided to try one last time, and if it didn’t work, take a break and then maybe look at adoption.

Today I found out I’m pregnant again. I haven’t even told DH yet. I feel awful saying that, but I’m scared to let him get excited. He’s so much more hopeful than me, and so much stronger emotionally. I don’t know how to be hopeful anymore I just feel anxious and detached.

My sister recently had a baby and when I went to meet my nephew, I had to leave early because I got so upset. I ended up crying in the car and felt so guilty because I am happy for her but I just couldn’t cope in that moment. I didn’t even want to hold my own nephew I was there for all of maybe 15 mins.

Part of me feels like maybe I should just accept that I might not have a child of my own, and try to make peace with that. I do have good things in my life a supportive husband, we recently got a cocker spaniel and that’s helped me a lot. I have a job I like, DH has a great job, we are privileged enough to never really have to think about money, we have a nice home but even the house feels complicated. We bought a 5 bedroom family house in SW London, and being surrounded by families all the time is a constant reminder of what we don’t have. I’ve even suggested to DH that maybe we should sell and start somewhere new, though I don’t know if that’s running away or not.

I suppose I just needed to get this out. Has anyone else who wanted children felt like this

Wonderful update, gentle hugs to you!

Best of luck!

Yes I have, I’m on aspirin and I take folic acid so hopefully that helps. I have been referred to miscarriage clinic and in eligible for early/more scans.

I have one next week, I’m very nervous as it’s still early days but I am excited and so is DH but we aren’t going to get our hopes up and we want to keep it ourselves for a bit first see how things go then share with close family and friends.

Thank you.

I am in the process of sorting out counselling. I am afraid of being told that something is wrong with me or DH and that’s what’s causing the miscarriages. It’s hard because everyone around me seems to make it look easy, my sister has been pregnant every year for the past 4 1/2 yrs and I can’t even have a baby. DH and I always wanted 2 or 3 kids but having one is proving difficult.

I can relate and understand why you would be hesitant. It's good you're sharing this journey together though.
I had a mc when 20. I'd split with the bf. I was so green I had no clue about dcs. Met dh1 and had ds1. Then another mc. So with ds2 I waited until 12 week scan to tell dm and mil and then everyone else. It's such a worrying time.
Keep posting as I'm so invested as am sure others are. I've followed a similar thread before and was so happy when it went well.
Sending love and positive vibes.

A good friend was in a similar position recently (2 early miscarriages so hadn’t had any investigation yet). She got pregnant again and had had lots of scans (some private) which has helped her relax. She also had some bleeding and was given progesterone due to the two previous miscarriages. She’s now 13 weeks and 🤞 all is ok.
Hoping you have a similar journey. I’m glad you have told DH; if the worst had happened he would want to support you. You’re a team in this.

Ah, I’m so sorry OP, and like everyone has said, your feelings and anxiety are totally natural.

I don’t have any advice that’s not already been offered, only to say that I know 3 women who now have fabulous babies having suffered recurrent miscarriages and for all intents ‘given up’ on having a child naturally. One couple were at the end stages of adoption approval when they fell pregnant and now have 2 lovely girls.

I’ll be hoping I come back to this thread in a few months time and hear you’re in the mid stages of a healthy pregnancy x

Have felt exactly this. Also had 2 miscarriages before having my 2 boys. Sending lots of hope for his one for you.
Pregnancy will be hard so be kind to yourself. I found setting my self something to do every evening (non baby related - so reading a bit of a favourite book or completing a puzzle or something) very helpful as it meant I’d got through another day of anxiety.

dont blame yourself - unfortunately it’s common and it will be hugely unlikely to be anything you’ve done. And don’t feel
bad about not wanting to be around your nephew - mentally it’s incredibly hard to miscarry.

tell your husband when YOURE ready, but you could also explain you find the positivity hard and could he just be supportive for now. It might help to have someone else at this stage.

wishing you the best of luck

Good luck OP! I'm glad you told your DH especially if the worst does happen then at least one person knows and can support you.

I know it's not guarnteed but my DM had 8 miscarriages before me and then went on to have another 3 after me so there's always hope. I really do wish you the best of luck.

@DeepShaker I relate to this far too much!!

Currently 20 weeks pregnant and I have cried through every appointment, every scan and have tried not to get attached. My anxiety has been through the roof.

Multiple losses and we said we would try 1 more time and this one stuck, I’m still in disbelief. It’s horrible to say but I constantly think I’m going to get bad news and they will be dead. I know some people won’t understand this but it’s so hard after loss to explain.

I would recommend ringing EPAU or go through your GP for a referral. You should be able to get an early scan and progesterone. Low dose aspirin is another option.

Worse case if you have another loss you should be to able refer to a reoccurring miscarriage clinic and they will check your bloods and for any medical reasons.

Your feelings are valid, your anxiety is valid. You don’t need to tell your husband if you don’t want to. However some mental support may be beneficial. If you started telling him by saying you don’t want him to be too optimistic and you are just really scared, it could help.

Just seen your update OP - glad you have told him and got a scan booked. As for telling people, we didn’t tell anyone till after our 20 week scan. 2 friends knew as I puked in front of them but no family etc. I felt like I jinxing it!

Start taking a low dose of asprin ( baby aspirin) I had 3 loses one at 22 weeks which got investigated turns out my blood was too thick and wasn’t supplying the placenta. Took a baby aspirin boom healthy pregnancy

Hugs to you and your DH. Hope it all goes well for your scan x

I'm sorry you've been through this.
I do have a young son (4) but after him I suffered 3 losses - 2 miscarriages, 1 chemical (so a very, very early loss). I was referred to the recurrent miscarriage clinic but was told, that most women end up not needing their appointment in the end (bearing in mind, you have to have 3 losses to get referred in the first place). My point is, even though it feels like a lot to us, really it is normal to have multiple losses before having a successful pregnancy. After I had these 3 losses I was actually told that it's very lucky for someone to have no losses.
The next time I concieved I started straight away on Aspirin. I was told that it isn't usually recommended until 12 weeks, but since i wasnt getting to that point, i decided i'd start it earlier. It causes no harm and i had nothing to lose. I've now made it to 24 weeks.
Good luck OP. It is hard going through losses but I personally wouldn't give up yet. I hope this is your sticky one🤞

Your feelings are entirely normal OP and I really hope this one sticks for you.

Sending you and your husband my very best wishes. With great respect do you think that you would feel less at fault if your husband put his mother, and other family members, back in their respective boxes? Of course maybe he already has?

Just a supportive hand-holding post from me...

My mum had 5 - 6 miscarriages before I arrived safely when she was 41 years old. This was 60+ years ago when having a first baby in your 40s was quite unsual. My brother arrived two years later.

Wishing you well x x

I was just about to reply when I saw your update. I was going to say i totally get why you wanted to keep this to yourself. For me it was the horror of phoning DH and trying to find the right words.

I wish you the very best of luck OP, you and DH sound like good people and deserve to be parents.

Take your time OP fwiw I didn't tell anyone but my husband when I was pregnant with DS2 til I was 21 weeks following a MMC. I wanted to make sure everything was OK first.

You do you to get you through. For me it was about going into protection/survival mode.

Good luck @Springiscoming368 It's like you have a loss of innocence and that's sad. But it looks like you are halfway there so try to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

Hi @DeepShaker I am so sorry for your losses.

I’ve just read your updates and I am so pleased that you’ve felt able to tell your DH. We had a second trimester loss a few months ago and due to telling people sort of as and when we saw them there were some people close to us who needed to know but had to be told afterwards and that was so, so much harder than telling the people who already knew the good bit. I can imagine how anxious you are feeling but I’m glad that you now have the support of your DH. Sending you lots of positive thoughts and wishes for your scan and the rest of your pregnancy. ❤️

❤️

Another person here who had 2 MCs before my living child. After the 2nd one I went a bit mad and got obsessed with chemicals and ‘bad luck’, wouldn’t touch receipts, would hold my breath if I walked past nail places so I wouldn’t breathe in the chemicals, got really into counting stuff and everything had to be an odd number or it was unlucky. In my 3rd pregnancy I became a complete recluse for the whole first trimester.

I would urge you to get CBT as it really helped me. If you self-refer they’ll prioritise a pregnant lady.

You can tell your husband whenever you want. Just wanted to send solidarity as I know it’s an awful time.

My advice, tell your husband and pay for a private early scan, you can hear the heartbeat from 7 weeks.

Your situation sounds almost identical to where we were 2yrs ago. 4yrs of infertility, no explanation, 1 miscarriage, got a dog, big house in same area of London. When we conceived naturally we couldn’t believe it, we got an early scan to reassure ourselves. To be honest the feeling of something going wrong didn’t really ever go away. 9 weeks is a great point to get to.

All the best OP. I'm glad you told him and it's something you are doing together.

Thank you and glad it worked out for you.

I have told my husband, I have a scan next week and hopefully that goes well I’m slightly nervous but I think I’ll be nervous throughout the whole pregnancy if I get to experience the pregnancy in full.

The house makes me feel anxious at times, we got the house in hopes of starting a family of our own, we are constantly surrounded by families, our friends are always sharing news of expecting and it just feels constant. I don’t want to share the news with anyone for a while I just don’t want to deal with all the pity from everyone if we do have another miscarriage.